I feel so sad  

softnlush 53F
878 posts
1/3/2006 6:31 am

Last Read:
3/22/2006 8:01 am

I feel so sad

I received an email from My Sir telling me he could not come in February as we had planned and I finally set myself free from him.

I wrote him back explaining how I understand he cannot come in..but that it is time that I set myself free because holding on to what we had is closing myself off to something that can come along..

I have used our relationship as an excuse to keep myself from falling and getting hurt again..he gave me sexual freedom to meet my "needs" but he still had my heart and it hurts to have someone control that part of you,it really does.

I told him I want to be in his life as his friend..that I will always and forever honor what we were..but that it is time for me to be single and open again. I know he is going to read this email sometime today and feel a whole bunch of things..and I am hoping one of them will be relief.

Relief being,that he knew it was unfair of him to hold me to my collar even now,he explained in the past during emotional phone calls,that perhaps I was hoping for something that may never be again where he was concerned..and then once he said those words he would say something to pull me back into the emotional wreckage of what was the remnants of our relationship..so I never felt clear on what he really meant.

If he came to me right now and said..I realized I love you,I never should have asked you to leave our home..I want to marry you..I would do it beacuse I know he is my soul mate..but those words will never come and I am not happy..I want to get closer to my FWB but My Sirs emotional hold on me is so strong that I feel guilty every time a moment with FWB ends..and that is not fair..I am not doing anything wrong..yet why do I feel like I am?

Now about FWB..he is a wonderful person..but I question whether I should even be with him..his job takes up 95% of his time and when he does see me..although it is good..it is not what I want..I want to be treated like someone worthy of being treated well..He claims he wants to as well but our timing is off..way fucking off.

I just feel sad..I wish I could have My Sir as we once were..but if I can't..I just cannot be entangled in his life long distance and with him always sick,and feeling like he is dying and I am all the way here..dealing with him..my feelings of loss and sometimes my feelings of anger.

I know this blog is all over the place..probably because my emotions are all over the place..I am fighting back tears so I can write this.

Why can't it be easy..to say goodbye to someone? Why does it have to hurt so fucking much? Why do I feel like I probably did the best and worst thing I could have possible done??!!

Anyway..need to fix my face and pretend to be part of the work day and that nothing is wrong..goddess help me thru this one.


rm_MisterFrumpy 46M
428 posts
1/3/2006 2:45 pm

big step but i think its something you know you needed to do..just remember theres always people to help you thru things.

softnlush 53F

1/3/2006 6:41 pm

I appreciate it,Frump..he replied to my email..he felt that I did the right thing..and he still and forever will be my friend and that means everything to me..

TheWatcher1966 50M
2 posts
1/4/2006 5:42 am

you need to look at your needs as well and you did that... I've been a Dom for about 8 yrs and My first thoughts are of My sub, and how I effect her life.. I had a 3 yr long distance relationship with one sub that ended because I couldn't be all I should have been to her. She cried for months... But she made it... Today, Wwe are still in touch and she has found Another and I can't be happier.
I wish you all the happiness that you have reserved for Him..
Stay strong, and when you need a friend One will show up to help.


softnlush 53F

1/4/2006 7:25 am

Thank you Sir,for your reply..Yes,W/we discussed that aspect when My Sir gave me freedom for physical needs to be fulfilled elsewhere,that i would always be true to the Collar and I did that,but after a while it seemed wrong of Him to expect this and in his last email to me,he did acknowledge that..W/we always will be what W/we are,but W/we had to be realistic..at least i had to be..we part as dearest friends forever,no longer Dom and sub to eachother..I will not wear another's Collar in this lifetime,that was exclusive to him and him alone. But I will always love him and hold him in great esteem.

Thank you


fun4allin2006 53M
1583 posts
1/5/2006 11:38 am

Sorry for the hurt and Pain you are feeling.

TheWatcher1966 50M
2 posts
1/6/2006 8:06 am

He chose well little one… you have His collar on it’s just invisible.. One day you might find the strength to remove it. But for now it’s connected to your heart… you have a big heart and a great attitude in your time of trail… That says more about you then you know… If you ever need to chat Or (VENT) feel free to e-mail Me directly..

Be well
The Watcher1966

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