Have NO idea what is going on with me  

softnlush 53F
878 posts
1/17/2006 6:44 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Have NO idea what is going on with me

I wake up every morning and do the same thing..check my email..go to bathroom,take my shower,blow my crazy ass thick friggin hair..get dressed,delete spam..go on AdultFriendFinder..go to work..bust my ass,never get out on time..get home..check AdultFriendFinder..check my email..catch up on some tv and fall into a coma and get up and do it all again..I know EVERYONE can relate to that,it is real life..

But everyday about oh,lets say I notice it at like 1pm..that dull throb in my left temple..*groans* stress headache..I know that is what it is but everyday now since Jan 2nd. And it magically goes away by hmm lets see anytime from 830pm-915pm (when I usually get out of work)..I live on advil everyday now every 3 hrs since Jan 2nd. In the olden days of my old job..I took it as a hint that perhaps I need to leave..but I don't,not responsible softnlush,need to work,need to pay the bills need to be independant. This job is only 5 months old and already I feel it,but looking at the whole picture,it is what I do,it is what I did for 20 yrs,I am good at it..and for the most part,I enjoy it..but the accounts we have are just spoiled little brats and because of that everyday is something new to learn because they add technological bullshit to add to my already demanding job. Everyday a new email with new things we must must must add to every reservation for their monthly audit and god help you if you forget..god help all of us LOL.

I want to win a huge lottery..I want to be able to not get up for work if I choose not to,again EVERYONE can relate to that,so it is just a fantasy,a wish,a dream,a vent.

I want to find that one person who can make time for me and take that stress away from me at night when I get home,a backrub..lightly gently rubbing my back(I cannot take deep massage),massaging my aching temples,massage my fingers loosen them up from the typing I do for 10 hours at a time. Someone to take care of me. But I do not think that will ever happen. I do not think he exists anymore,My Sir did that for me and I did not even work when I lived with him,but when he saw I was out of sorts,a bath awaited me,he would undress me and lead me to it,candles lit and he would read to me sometimes,or just wash my hair,or just let me be if that is what I desired,I never had a man do that for me before or since.

I want my friends to be ok..my best friend is going thru the ringer in her divorce..I am firmly convinced her ex is suffering from some bi-polar,multiple personality disorder and he is making her crazy with all his shenanigans. I have another friend who has not slept in the same bed with her husband in 17 yrs and they stay together for finances..she cannot stand him and he is well,I met him and I can see why she lost interest.

I want everyone to have a good life,good friends,great loves but that is just a fantasy as well. For some a reality I am sure,but for most it is a fantasy.

I guess I just feel like I am missing something..I just do not know what it is exactly,I touched on stuff but that is not it..I am missing something..I will know it when I finally find it..yesss..it was this..this is all I need now..will it ever happen? Probably not.

oh well..I know this one did not make sense,but I just have NO idea what is going on with me


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