|Blogs > softnlush > Confessions of a Luscious mind|
Feelings I feel....
Feelings I feel....
Did you ever find yourself in a situation that makes so very uncomfortable,yet you cannot quite pick exactly what it is that is making you feel that way?
Did you ever make a mistake with a person and regret it almost instantaneously,and everytime you see them,your stomach turns or your flesh crawls?
Did you ever wish you can take a harsh word that you may have said to a loved one? Knowing if you could it will make it all better? Like a kiss on your boo boos when you were a young child?
Did you ever wish for one more moment with a lover,thinking to yourself,had I known this would have been the last time,I would have paid more attention?
Did you ever wonder,what hurts someone's feelings? Truly in the core of their being?
Have you ever wished you could have been brave enough to tell them..baby I love you.
I sat in my thoughts,thinking of choices I made in my past,some that had to be made,others that were the easy way out..you know the path of least resistance..alot of us do it..and there are a few that would never..I used to be that brave at one time..now I tread with caution..always wary,always waiting for the shoe to drop,the shit to hit the fan..for no reason except,if things are too calm..something is brewing and will eventually puke all over me.
I thought about times I was in love,truly in love and remembered instantly the pain I felt when it ended..either by myself or by the other party..only once mutually,it still was the same pain..gut wrenching..I immediately felt a coldness in my heart..remembering the pain,makes me want to avoid it again at any cost. I know to some that is a cowards way out,perhaps it is..but if I do not protect my heart,who will?
I will make a huge admission here,but,know this,even though I am admitting it,it is highly unlikely I will ever change my stance on it..but I am extremely rigid when it comes to what I feel is just behavior..if I feel someone has tresspassed the appearance of good taste..I usually shut down,turn off and turn away..not looking back and not really wanting to know why it happened? Is there a back story I do not know about,does that person even realize they did that? Is that all they know? I know it can be considered a bad trait I have,but being that way,prevents me from getting any more stressed,pissed off and aggravated..so yea,I am rigid..I am hard core about honesty..I am hard core about respect..and I feel I am a pretty good judge of character..I do not have a huge amount of close friends,I do not let someone in so easily..but if I sense a kindred soul..I will wrap my arms around and never let go..I have been blessed in that regard..my friendships,deep,meaningful and some 20+ years,loyal friends,wonderful family the family I chose rather than what I was born into.
If I open my heart and my soul to a friend and they betray me..it is a death to me..I will mourn them as if they died,but they will never get that chance again..I am thankful I only had to do that once in my life..many many years ago..I wish her well,but she cannot be in my realm..ever..that may sound cold..but a betrayal of my trust is a personal attack on my soul..that is how I feel..always did and always will.
I have a friend..I knew her since I was 15..she feels I betrayed her when I moved to canada with my then fiance..she felt I was making the wrong decision,made no effort to see me before I left..I invited her to my engagement/moving party..my best friend flew in from Fla..but my friend who lived 1/2 hr away,could not find the time to say goodbye..yet she feels betrayed by me..I recently emailed her to tell her of the death of "Rick" (previous blog circle of friends),she in fact met him around the same time I did,she was there the day I met first love..we go way back..I wrote in the subject line..Please read,this is about "Rick Descalles" do not delete..and inside I wrote a heartfelt email,telling her I did not want us to be how first love felt realizing he will not in his lifetime on earth ever be able to talk to him again..I wanted her to know I loved and missed her,and gave her my phone number,please call I said..I did not hear from her..on ao-hell you can check status of sent mail..she deleted it..did not read it,yet she feels betrayed..I decided to mourn her death..she feels how she feels,I did all I could..I will miss her,but I will not do it again..I did it for the last 3 yrs,every so often catching her online..sending her an IM ,she had to go she said..sorry..sent her emails on her birthday..only to be deleted..but this email hurt the most because I begged her to read it,and she thought so little of what I wrote in the subject line to delete me..so I am going to say this..outright..if she happens to be on this site..so be it..
Laura..as far as I am concerned,you are just not in my realm anymore..never again will I reach out to you..I know you could care less..but now I could care less and how sad is that for you? Very sad,because one day you will try to reach me..that is your M.O. and I will NOT be there..not again,not again..be well,stay happy..but remember,you do not have many in your life that accepted you as I did..put up with what I had to,ran to you when he beat you senseless and bloody..changed your locks only for you to give him the keys 2 days later,listened to your crying when he disappeared for days at a time..no one ever did that for you..I did..over and over and over and even then I never turned my back on you when everyone said you were a lost cause..I never considered you that...now,I do..I am sorry for that,but it is how it has to be..
Well..enough displaying my innards..it was just something I had to say..and I used her real name..something I never do..ever..today I broke a rule of discretion..Bye Laura.
7/13/2006 8:20 pm
Theres alot of things you talked of that are on my mind alot, its nice to know its not just me.thks|
7/13/2006 9:00 pm
1.Oh yeah, a million times...|
4.I wish for all my moments with my mate/lover, until the day I die
5.I know what hurts my man
6.I do all the time
Wow, quite the questions but good ones... that's all I do is ask questions...sorry bout your friend...
7/13/2006 9:49 pm
Been there, done that.|
That is ONE reason I do not let many into the inner sanctum...
7/14/2006 2:42 pm
Like you and bucfannn, I am learning. I have lots of acquaintences and very few close friends, but I still feel I set myself up for betrayal too easily.|
Today was a very very tough day for me. I think a lot of things hit home and I am struggling to keep myself together. It will pass. I go through this from time to time.
I know it is hard to just let go of someone when you have shared so many precious memories, but sometimes when people change it is best to remove yourself from the new "them" and just hang onto the old friend. I'm sorry you've had to do this. Eventually, hopefully soon, the pain will subside. *hugs*