Emotional Regurgatation  

softnlush 53F
878 posts
6/29/2006 7:47 am

Last Read:
7/3/2006 7:32 am

Emotional Regurgatation


Which is what I did yesterday...I emotionally puked all over my blog. Sorry about that,but what are blogs for,if not to puke all over them?

He is gone again,will be back during the next 2 weeks for a day or so,not enough time to fit everything in I am sure,but hopefully he will find a few for me..I am not counting on it..but I have been surprised before.

This is the down side to meeting someone you actually like,respect and care about on a level other than grinding sexual frustration out of eachother..it makes the idea of a fuck buddy more attractive than a FWB..with fuck buddies..who cares? They are there to serve a purpose,to scratch an itch temporarily..no connection other than sexual gratification..no caring about their lives outside of those moments..no banter,no sharing..nothing,empty,no strings,no emotions,no feeling..nothing. A friend with benefits or FWB,well,you risk much,as you meet with them more often,share things,secrets..you risk emotional investment in the other person..you risk,perhaps feelings for them,more than a friend,but not quite as a life partner..fine line for sure,but one that is still pretty visable..you make the conscience effort not to cross it..it can be hard,but it can be done. I am at the point with FWB,I can step over the line and fall..or I can stay dangerously close to it,and for the fact that his career is what it is,refuse to step over it,taunt the line,tease it,inch closer..but never go over..never!!

I wonder if he thinks that way too,I know his feelings for me run deeper than he hoped,but not deep enough to really talk about it at length,he thinks the world of me,he trusts me more than most,he feels with me he gets brutal honesty (his words),he knows where I stand,he knows that I am here in whatever capacity he needs me for..but I honestly do not know what he feels when he is in his car,coming for me..or when he is in his car after leaving my bed..does he push me out of his mind with every mile? Maybe he has to,in order not to feel anything,he told me..he cannot and will not put another person in the position as his former wife,until this career is over,he cannot imagine being with anyone too intensely,yet,when we are together fucking,it is as intense as 2 people can get. It is kind of thing I think about..I can talk to him about it,but I chose not to,not because it will make me feel strange,but he has so much to deal with,why put more pressure on a man who is pressure packed? I do not think he and I are forever in the storybook kind of way..but I think he and I will be lifelong friends..we probably will be lovers until one or both of us find someone else..I am just not ready for finding someone else right now..I have tried..3 times..to put myself out there,date,entertain a crush..and I got nothing for it,except hurt feelings and emotional/spiritual irritation..FWB never ever made me feel badly..ever..nothing said or did ever hurt my feelings..when I see him..I do not feel like I have to be on my best behavior,I do not have to pretend to be something I am not,I have NO fear of rejection from him..at all.

I wish the men I have met in my recent life,had the integrity in their whole body that FWB possesses in his tiny finger. No one I have met since him has shown me what he does..and I am not romanticizing him for the fact he is going away,I seriously thought about it..even comparing him to the man I was to marry..and even he does not compare when I compare the whole picture..FWB holds himself to a standard and others to the same,be honest,be respectful,think about your actions before you do them,take that 10 seconds to think about it before you do something you cannot take back. Do not promise more than you can deliver,and when a hand is extended without expectations,take it..because not many will be offered so honestly..in fact,it rarely if ever will happen..almost everyone has an agenda..almost everyone and to think different is foolish..but,there are some,that just do not..they offer what they offer because they can and want to,without a thought to themselves..FWB said I am one of those people..that makes me feel good.He said,you are honest to a fault,that is rare..people know where they stand with you..that is rare..there is no games with you..rare..you are a great lady in every sense of the word..can you imagine how that makes someone like me feel? I am a great lady in the eyes of a man,that I feel is a great man..that is amazing. Too bad not many see that..but their loss eh?

So it is Thursday now..the day after..I still miss him and he is not even gone yet..I hope I will see him one nore time before he heads out..and I have to understand if he cannot see me,he has obligations that go well deeper than me..I knew this going in..he needs to make sure his kids are content and happy and I may not fit in time wise but I do hope he can fit me in anyway..something tells me he will,but I guess I will not know till the phone call comes..anyway,time to head to work and try to keep my mind off things..hard to do,but I will give it the ol' college try.

Happy Thursday

~~~snl~~~

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