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Dreams of My Mother
Dreams of My Mother
I had the weirdest conversation with my sister today,called her to wish her a happy mothers day and missing my own mother,and she told me "I had a dream about mom,but in this one,she is past and I knew it,I dreamt I had my eyes closed and felt her arms around me" and the funny thing is,since I had my accident I too,have had dreams about her where I feel her pressence soooo intensly..I feel her around me and sometimes I think I see her. I do not see her for any length of time,a glimpse here and there,I saw her or sensed her alot at Blu's when I lived there,in the kitchen..out of the corner of my eye,a glimpse..and then she was gone. My brother also has sensed her pressence,we are missing her alot,with mothers day and her birthday coming on the 19th..it is very very intense.
My mom passed away after a valiant 7 yr struggle with cancer,she just turned 60,cancer ravaged her looks but to me,she was beautiful..our relationship was close very close,but we had our moments of almost knock down drag out,she was not very supportive of me most of my life and I struggled with it,battled her about it,and then gave up and realized,the reason she could not support me was she did not know how not to be judgemental,her mother,my grandma was the same way..I suspect my mother did not really know how to be a good mother,but all in all,she was an ok mother..but we did become friends as I grew older,and I was her biggest defender against anyone who spoke ill of her or to her,even if I agreed,NO ONE talked ill of my mother..that was just the way it was.
I miss the shit out of her,I miss my daily calls (even when I lived in bumfucked egypt we spoke daily),I miss our laughs and our tears and our fights and our make ups..I miss hearing the way she put things..her made up sayings.."the bottom of the line is".."just remember I carried you in my wound,I am your only mother".."I hope you have kids who act just like you do" (sorry mom,kids are not in my future).."make sure you take care of your future,I am taking mine with me"..as it turned out,my mom never took care of her future,even with the diagnosis of cancer,things got mucked up when she passed and it could have been ugly,but I feel a prevented that..I just simply said,it is was it is,she left us each a little something and it was all she had for us,we did not expect and that was fine..my other family members have issues..I told them get over it.
My step-father,the man she was married to for about 25 yrs,he turned out to be a sneak and a creep,but as I tell everyone,G-d don't like ugly and his time will come where he has to answer to a higher power other than myself..but he will be hearing from me about a few things,just not on the phone..I will face him and tell him and confront him and listen to his lies and walk away..for good..not before then..I did promise my mother to always maintain a relationship with him..I did not promise her it would be a good one,though..he has her ashes,I made it clear,make sure when you die,I get her..he agreed. I want nothing else..just her.
I sometimes will be alone and close my eyes and I will smell her latkes frying in the kitchen,her stuffed cabbage simmering in the pot and my eyes start to tear up,she was an amazing cook and hostess (esp when she was married to the man who is my father),her 2nd husband was not very social,I feel he held back her true essence,my mom loved to entertain,she loved having people over,she loved to go out dancing..he did not,he was truly a bore and he held her back,another thing I had a hard time accepting..but she chose him,I didn't.
Blu was like another daughter to my mom,and my mom adored her,probably more than her own kids lol..when ever Blu would come to NY,my mom would throw us $50 or $100.00 to go out and party..but g-d forbid I asked for money just because..nope..nope nope LOL..but when Blu came..wow was she generous..we also asked her to come with us,for a change of pace,but she always said no,deep down I think she wanted to go,but knew HE would have issues with it..bastard!!
Anyway..I hope everyone had a wonderful mothers day,I hope if your mothers are still with you,you appreciate them and if she is gone,as mine is,you think well of her on this day..remember,she may not be where you can see her,but she is where you need her,in your heart and in your memory..
I Love You Mom,even though you made me crazy most times..I miss you and I will see you again
5/14/2006 4:23 pm
I know how you feel, chica. I still have my mom, but, she is ravaged by alzheimer's. She's here, but, not really here. I miss my "old" mom daily...|
((((hugs)))) to you, my friend.