That was then This is now  

smoothnjuicy4u 50F
426 posts
5/20/2006 9:22 am

Last Read:
5/29/2006 7:29 am

That was then This is now

Well (#@!$,

Last night, actually the whole day was a let down. I crack myself up, just the other day I made a comment on not having expectations about things. Well I did not use my own advice and got my feeling hurt yesterday. He came home announced that he had to work today and was going to bed early. I can remember aday when no matter how tired or stressed out he was he never turned me down. Oh well I guess we have arrived at that time in our marriage, cant say I'm happy about it done my best to not let it go there but I suppose there comes a time when this does happen. But I tell you what these are the times I am tempted to second guess my decision to stay. Not because he turned me down, my ego can take that, it's in the way he did, he saw my preparations, read my blog and knew how much I wanted to be with him and said nothing, just announced his news. Rude. But I have to remember its part of his asperbergs. but I have learned that I am allowed my feeling of hurt anyways. I just cant ever except a true apology. That is the hard part.

I use to write poetry, I wasn't that good but I did end up turning out a couple of really good ones and I went this morning to get them out and post one that seemed fitting but all be dang they are gone. The floppy I put them on now has a game on it !!!!!!!!!! I can not remember them word for word either. I feel like crying they were my heart and soul, sweat and tears. Oh well nothing can be done about it now.
So to get my thoughts across this fine day I am going to Post the lyrics to a couple of songs that seem fitting.
I realized a few years back how my childhood had kept my captive and affected everything about me from my career decisions to my marriage. Oneday I may feel comfortable enough to share the details of it all to ya. But I think you will get the jest of it from these. I am proud of myself when I think of what I have came thru and how I have used it to grow and not rob me of who I truly am. Maybe some will think (like I use to) that I am still captive because I stay, but it's not that. I stay because of who I am, and who he is.

I usually am not a pop fan but these speak to me.
Thanks Kelly Clarkson for your words and talent.

That was then, but not to long ago:

Because of You
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did, you feel so hard
I've learned the hard way to never let it go that far.
Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk.
Because of you,I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt.
Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me.
Because of you I am afraid.
I lose my way,
and its not to long before you point it out
I can not cry because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake a smile a laugh ever day of my life
My heart cant possibly break
when it wasn't even whole to start with
I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young, you should of known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else.
You just saw your pain
and now I cry in the middle of the night
for the same damn thing
Because of you
Because of you I am afraid
Because of you I never strayed to far from the sidewalk
Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you I don't know how to let anyone else in.
Because of you I am ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you i am afraid
Because of you.

After alot of tears screams sweat blame anger and soul searching..

This is now

Grew up in a small town
and when the rain would fall down
id just stare out my window
dreamin of what could be
and if id end up happy.
I would pray
trying hard to reach out
but when i tried to speak out
felt like no one could hear me.
Wanted to belong here
but sometimes felt so wrong here.
So I prayed i could break away.
I'll spread my wings
and I'll learn to how to fly.
And I'll make a wish, take a chance ,make a change
and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun
but i wont forget all the ones I love.
I'll take a risk take a chcne and make a change
and break away.
Want to feel a warm breeze, sleep under a palm tree.
Feel the rush of the ocean.
Get on board a fast train.
Travel on a jet plane
far away and break away.
Buildings with a hundred floors
swinging and revolving doors.
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
I gotta keep movin on.
Fly away ,break away.
I'll spread my wings
and ill learn how to fly.
Though it's not easy
to tell you goodbye.
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun.
But I wont forget the place I come from.
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
and break away.

I now wait for the chance to do this, once my kids are alittle older and things are more settled with them I plan on spreading my wings and taking chances. So now I wait and as I said before I need patience. Hopes of strength and peace to all those who maybe fighting their own demons.


smoothnjuicy4u 50F

5/20/2006 1:07 pm

Yes flyaway my husband has that and my youngest is mildly autistic with pragmatic issues and my oldest we are not sure yet, but problay a mix of a few things. I am glad you enjoyed my post and wishing you well this day too. I hope you all are having a good day.

puntachueca 105M

5/20/2006 4:47 pm

Sending you some soul nourishment. Get down at the keyboard and write some new poetry!
Hear where you are. Flip side...was talking to my kids a few years after the divorce and they said they knew exactly what was going on and had wished it had ended sooner so the healing could have started sooner. What a surprise that was!

smoothnjuicy4u 50F

5/21/2006 6:46 am

I was hoping when people read this that they didnt assume I meant divorce when I said spread my wings and taking chances. I have no plans on doing this.

Catdoc2000 57M

5/28/2006 5:30 pm

You are a strong woman to keep such a positive attitude!

smoothnjuicy4u 50F

5/29/2006 7:29 am

Thank you catdoc.

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