I cried while I made his peanut butter pie  

smoothnjuicy4u 50F
426 posts
6/11/2006 9:41 am

Last Read:
6/17/2006 8:26 pm

I cried while I made his peanut butter pie

Well inside I cried, I couldn't let any of my wet tears drop into the pie mix could I??? I will just have to wait and let them fall later on today maybe while I write this.

Today we are having a bon voyage party for one of my "full blooded brothers". He is headed to Florida to hang out with our Dad before he is suppose to re enlist into the military. And possibly then onto Iraq.

We do not know for sure if they are going to let him back in, he has DUIs. But so far it looks as though he has a good chance getting into the National Guard and you know they are deployed often. I have mixed feelings on him going back in. He has already given his time to his country, but right now he has no direction in his life, maybe this is what he needs. I know my Dad will "help" him get his sh*% straight.

I had no clue it would hit me this hard. Our relationship is strained to say the least. He bullied me so much when we were growing up, still does to this day even. But thats another post. That ole saying that blood is thicker than water must be true after all.

When I started this blog I made a statement about going thru alot lately well I guess I'll give some more of it up now since it seems to be at the root of my sadness. And my brothers lack of direction in his life.

Back in January my eldest brother, my protector, the one I knew was always there for me and loved me for who I am truly am suffered a massive stroke and nearly died. At times I still feel it might of been better. He was 42 when it happened. It was one of the hardest things I have ever went thru. Seeing him like that, in a coma lifeless and helpless. When I was around him I felt no spirit.
Seeing his wife suffer and struggle with such major life decisions.
Not being able to have my say that we should let him go and let nature take its course.
I saw my Mom suffer to, the guilt for not being a better Mother to him. Letting her dislike for his wife get between them, the grief and sadness of yet the possibility of loosing someone else she loves.
Seeing the pain, the tears in his kids and grandkids eyes was almost to much for me to bear.

He laid there close death for two weeks straight, but he did survive.
The brother that I once had, knew is gone.
He no longer exists. It is hard for me to go and see him. I guess the little girl within me doesn't see her protector anymore, I guess the grown woman doesn't see the friend that she had so much in common with.
It is hard to grieve him he is still here. And I suppose I am afraid if my other brother leaves I will never see him again, if not from the war from his bad decisions to drink and drive.

Sometimes I get mad at my eldest brother for not taking better care of himself. for letting his childhood affect him to the point that he didn't value his own life to slow down and get rid of some bad habits and live a more healthy life.

I am so thankful that I realized a few years ago that I am a valuable, lovable person, who deserves to live a happy long love fill life.
Though I still struggle with my smoking habit, you'd think I'd be able to put them down after this, but i tried, never start smoking they are the hardest thing to quit!!!

I still have two half brothers whom I am somewhat close too and one step brother, but nothing compares to fullblood, knowing the same blood runs thru their veins and yours.

Well I hope I didn't depress anyone. I had to let it out because I have to get my chin up for the party. I am the cheerful strong one, always.

Hugs and Peace2u all.

westhill2006 53M

6/11/2006 11:14 am

Nice post smooth,thought provoking for me,like you though "that's another post"
100% agree re.smoking,easier never to start.5 years was my longest quit,back on them again...
P.S. Nice to see your pic back...

warmandsexy52 64M
13164 posts
6/11/2006 3:56 pm

A very tough experience. Sometimes the post-stroke brain can recover, at least in part, and my thoughts and prayers go out to your bother that this might be so.

warm xx

smoothnjuicy4u 50F

6/11/2006 7:15 pm

Dear Fly (i hate using this term again) thank you for your words too, I don't know how you do it hun, so many people you try and encourage and help. If you ever run out of time or energy you can skip me, I know who's watching over me I think the pie making thing is a great idea, I will have to try it out. hugs

I know it West I have quit for long periods of time before but always go back to them, but hey we never know the next time we try may be our last !!!

Warm ,he has improved some ,still paralyzed on his left side and maybe more improvement to be made but the core of his personality has changed but we our thankful that he remembers who we are just very distant like he has forgotten the memories each of us shared with him. I can't imagine what his wife goes thru. I am very grateful for your thoughts and prayers.

Hugs and Peace2u all

smoothnjuicy4u 50F

6/12/2006 7:23 am

Hi Dusty and thanks for listening and stopping in
Hugs Smooth

TabithaElectra79 37F

6/12/2006 7:58 am

Sorry you are feeling low, take care xx

smoothnjuicy4u 50F

6/12/2006 8:28 am

Congrats Tabitha, you are my 2ooth comment I almsot feel like apart of this blogville now. BTW I think you are gorgeous. I'd kill for that hair. Thanks for your kind words.

mycin62 54F

6/13/2006 4:35 am

I'm so sorry about your brother, I know it's hard to see someone you love go thru that. Your other brother will find his way, in his own time, you'll see. Cherish your half brothers, never mind about the "full blood", my brother doesn't share any of my blood, yet I'm closer to him than my full blood sisters. It's what you feel in your heart that matters.

smoothnjuicy4u 50F

6/13/2006 8:08 am

I am grateful for your kind words mycin, I do cherish my half brothers I am very close to one of them, but the rest well they dont cherish me because of the half, step crap, but hey their loose right. But I still have to say, which was a surprise for me as well, there is somehting to it knowing no full bros may not be around. Cant explain it.

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