Rambling post on question posted by 1hotwahine, love and sex, different for men and women?  

smartmama 58F
181 posts
11/12/2005 2:34 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Rambling post on question posted by 1hotwahine, love and sex, different for men and women?


1hotwahine asked in her entry of 11/9 (and I don't think I linked correctly), about the difference between men and women, and their way of going about having sex and being intimate. The old story being that women need the love thang, or at least the possibility of; whereas men are perhaps willing to have sex if it is offered or available. The comments were great, and I started one, and it went on so long that I copied it and decided just to blog about it here. Can someone tell me how to put a link in the blog. Thanks.

Lately it feels much better to blog than to cruise or be cruised. A reminder that intelligent exchange can't be beat, well, sort of, and then there is sex. The combination; the perfect mix, just hasn't been presenting itself. But what of the arrangement I've heard about here: the fuck buddy. A regular companion who visits with the express purpose of having sex. I would emphasize that I don't want to just be fucked, but want to have affection with this fuck. My male friend said that a woman telling a man that she wants friendship from him is confusing. That he has friends, and he wants you for sex. But it ties in with the original question, are men and women different when it comes to sex and love? When I say someone is my friend, it means I don't see a long-term romance; but what I do see is someone I would like to befriend, and this friend, if sexy, is someone I would like to also touch. A friend I touch. Now when I put that thought together and then expressed it, it gave me a rush, it felt pretty sexy. It felt sexy because in that idea I had vanquished the bad mojo, the, I will be immediately disrespected because I am having sex with you when you aren't my true love, vibe. As long as there is that sense of play and fun and I guess, kissing. I've discovered that I want to kiss these days, which implies an intimacy.

It is like what I put in an earlier post, which I think a visitor saw as a slight, but was really about men and men, and how they state what they want, when looking for a man, in a way that is different. More direct. More about sex, anonymous sex. Not all gay men, but some. My gay roomate, when I lived in NY, in my twenties, pre-marriage and children, and the age of AIDs, would go to the piers, and get blowjobs. I used to joke that women couldn't procure sex that way, it wasn't part of the culture. There was no AdultFriendFinder. I lived a pretty adventuresome life when it came to sex and relationships, a love or three, a lot of fun, but I also lived in a city where I could be anonymous and experimental. And I was.

But the love/sex and differences between men and women question, the kind of question that is frightening, even though it shouldn't be; especially if it is a matter of our biology. But the concept of being prey, or being mistreated is never fun. It is awful to be ill treated even without sex, and then throw in being naked, literally unprotected, with a stranger, with someone you haven't built a connection with other than this mutual lust, desire. It can be intoxicating, but it can also produce, as they say in this part of the country, a wicked hangover. That empty, oh shit, now I feel worse, left, unloved, not enough, feeling. It is also, for me, a source of shame, like if I were more whole, then I would meet loving and sexy and smart men, and I would be safe and happy and loved and fucked and we would look like that picture of the picnic-ing couple, in 1hotwahine's blog. Like the scene of the couple in the Woody Allen (Annie Hall?)movie, where the tall blonde god and goddess, pass, and he stops them and interviews them, and asks what it feels like to be perfect, and without thoughts, and they, funnily, answer that it is fine, or something. So I didn't see intimacy in the picture she posted; I see an advertising photo of blandness, and sameness. It is like the hot girls in the lineup when I bring up this site. They are not pretty, they are generic slutty hot girl. It is what is being sold. Of course, step in, and there is a motley mix. Which is great.

But I see love when I can see the eyes. I can't see it without checking out the eyes. I see sex in bodies entwined, in some artful shots, usually not mainstream porn, but, again, that Nerve photographer thing, with long limbs and very hot young men and women, looking, not cookie cutter generic sexy photo, but hot, a heat captured. So, wait, where was I. Okay, so the eyes. Yeah, so I look and sometimes I pretend to see something, cause the prospect of not seeing it is unacceptable. And there can be the eye lock thing everywhere. This morning at the beach, I was walking the dog and ran into someone I had met a couple of weeks ago. I recognized the dogs, one of which is a twin of my Ridgeback mix, also a mix, and puppyish. But last time he was without his sunglasses, and so I saw his beautiful, very blue eyes. Today he had on sunglasses. He remembered my name, and the dog's name. I'd forgotten his and his animals. He was forgiving, said maybe it was good to erase the cache. Last time, I looked him in the eye. We connected. Today I fumbled, no eye contact. Oh, and my alpha female tried to hump his little mutt, and was quickly put in her place. He says, "Yeah, she doesn't take any shit." Yeah, good doggie. Ha.

Yeah, so you fumble and stumble around and after awhile the lack of finding that easy connection starts to get to you, so you pretend, or I pretend. I pretend it is there, cause I need to, because if I don't, I feel, yeah, I feel disposable. The other thing I have done is to just avoid eye contact. Not look, just fuck. Much too intimate to have eye contact with just a fuck. In my younger years, or even just post-divorce five years ago, I was more fancy free. I am so shocked by bad manners. The idea of cavorting in joy and pleasure, if briefly, is nice. I just lament the times when bad manners prevail. Sometimes I look at AdultFriendFinder and I think to myself, hmmmm, why am I here, what am I doing? I sometimes think it is an excuse for some people to revel in their bad behavior. Other times I have fun. Not sure I am having fun.

I'll let you know, soon, when I figure it out, maybe. Hehe.

caressmewell 53F

11/12/2005 3:54 pm

First question: the link to the blog is [blog 1hotXXXX] spell out the bloggers name and that should link the blog.

I do believe that love and sex are viewed differently by men and women. I just can't explain why, it seems to be a bit different with each man and I get hear different points of view from women.


smartmama 58F

11/13/2005 8:38 am

thank you, caress. i thought i did that, with the brackets, hmmmm.

and you're right, it is different with each man, and each woman.


redswallow777 48M
6810 posts
11/17/2005 2:45 pm

Guess I will head over to 1hotwahine's blog to check this out but I liked your ramble. Unfortunatly I have no experience to offer as my partners have been so singular....meaning one. I like to think that I need love before I have sex....that is where I have come after blogging here for months. Well, if not love, I at least need to respect and care for the other person....but perhaps that is love. Hmmmmm...talk about rambling.....


smartmama 58F

11/18/2005 5:22 am

Red, I think I need a sense of play. It has to feel playful.


redmustang91 57M  
8658 posts
11/18/2005 1:50 pm

Well some women seem to want a friend with benefits, and some want a lover without the heavy emotionality, but everyone wants affection, an intimate connection and respect. Generally the old line that men give love to get sex and women give sex to get love has some truth in it for many, but people vary quite a bit!


reallynotbad 49M
1 post
11/21/2005 8:25 am

What an extremely enjoyable entry. Thank you for creating it.

I truly wish I could live in a world where good friends could exchange passionate affection without fear of pain (from loss or rejection) or expectation of "progress". Progress being "the next logical step in a "normal" relationship. I wish to defect to this world. Please transmit coordinates.


rm_art_persists 51M
1789 posts
11/23/2005 8:56 pm

Men and women are still learning to be friends... In the world we come from men have been set up as hunters and women as prey. A little bit fucked. Glad to see it's changing gradually: hopefully it'll become more balance by the time my 2 year old daughter starts to date....


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