Was I wrong?  

slidein2meplz 61F
1363 posts
11/5/2005 11:02 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Was I wrong?

mzhunyhole brought up this subject...in her post....[post 135028]
Which brought up a memory from a long tme ago...
And this was the comment I left (all though I have added/edited it for this post).

Anyway... my question is... Was I wrong?

Let me share with you my experience.

I was 18 years old when I got married...2 weeks out of high school...didn't have to get married..wasn't pregnant or anything...we were just young..very, very young.

I had never been with anyone except my husband. Shortly after we were married, he started in on me... wanting to bring home "other" men...for me to have sex with them...because...I had never been with anyone other than him..and I guess..he felt I was inexperienced... Which I was...no doubt about it...I was inexperienced and very nieve.

This "badgering" would go on...for days, sometimes weeks...he was never ending with it...no matter how much I protested...no matter how upset I got at the thought...no matter how much I cried... he kept at it. This went on...on and off for YEARS...finally, after my daughter was born...she was about 7 months old...I was 21 going on 22...he started up again.

Finally, I said ...ok fine... (I was just so damn tired of it and gave in)...so I asked him who did he have in mind? He said that his buddy Rob would want to sleep with me. That he and "Rob" had discussed it many, many times. I knew Rob...he'd been over hundreds of times...they were best friends...he was married too... his wife and I were friends... I asked my husband.. "Well..what about Mary"...and his answer was Rob didn't care...he cheats on her all the time.

My husband and Rob both worked 2nd and 3rd shifts...so it was easy for him. It made me sick at my stomach the thought of sleeping with my friends husband...but I was more tired of the constant nagging for me to be with someone else... I gave in.

So the night came that Rob would come over... my husband went to work...(3rd shift)... Rob, called in sick to work. Before Rob got to the house.. I made sure my daughter was asleep... I showered.. I was nervous, scared...not at all excited..not at all wanting to do this.

Rob showed up... I met him at the door with my robe on and that was all. He came in, we sat on the sofa...we talked...finally, he leaned in and kissed me... I was still not ready, but didn't stop him...he took me to the bedroom... and we had sex. It was awesome... I could not believe the difference between my husband and the way he treated me...and how Rob had just treated me. I had my first orgasm...I had no clue...it could feel this good.

Well...know what happened...

About 3 weeks later... Rob calls me up... want's to see me again... want's me to come to HIS house... while his wife was gone to work. So I did.


We had an affair for a little over 10 months...clear up until my husband and I moved to CA. My husband never knew... but he found out because he found letters Rob had written me.

Of course... that didn't go over well at all. All of a sudden I was the bad one.

He failed to remember...HE was the one who after years and years of badgering me to be with someone and was relentless in his quest for me to be with someone that it finally wore me down and I "was with someone" of HIS choosing...with HIS permission.

So the 1st night... according to my EX husband...was ok.... after that it was cheating.

If both people in the relationship...regardless of whether its a male/female relationship or a same sex relationship..or whether 1 is bi....if both AGREE that it's what they want and it's not a problem...the I guess it isn't cheating...as long as it's always done together.

But...if one sneaks behind the back of the other...then it is.

I have always wanted to know though.... was I wrong to give in? Was he wrong...for pushing me to that? Was I wrong to continue...probably, but he brought it on himself... I didn't go looking for it...and I honestly, sincerely doubt that I would've done something like that on my own....and I would probably still be married to him to this day...all though I don't think I would be happy...because he'd probably would still be after me to be with someone else...

That was 30 years ago...

I would never allow that now...it wasn't a good experience. Cheating is wrong....and if you feel you need someone else...end the relationship...first....then go do whatever.

Just a little side note here ~~ it's somewhat amusing ~~

My granddaughter was born April 2004 and while I was there...my ex husbands wife Linda and I went shopping for an afternoon to give my daughter and son-in-law some alone time...and it was fun, she and I always did seem to get along fairly well..all things considered. So we decide to have lunch and while we're waiting for our food...she says "I've always wanted to ask you... your side of the story...why did you and "R" get divorced?".

Now...this has been 29 years ago...and they've been married for approx 27 years at this time.

So, I tell her...he wanted me to be with other men...and he badgered me for years...I finally did....I ended up having an affair with they guy HE chose...the guy HE gave permission to, to sleep with HIS wife...because I was inexperienced." That's why....the look on her face was total shock. She had no clue... he had just always told her... I cheated on him....but he failed to tell her it was because he pushed it.

A word of advise...if you value your relationship...if you love your partner.... Don't push 'em to do something they don't want to do...Just don't do it...because it doesn't always work out the way you might think it ought to...

I wish I had never given in...but I've learned from my mistake and I won't ever let it happen again.

So..was I wrong?


~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


kyplowboy22 61M

11/6/2005 2:41 am

For my part of it, SlidinAngel, you were a victim of duress and the day you finally caved, the relationship was over. He placed you in the arms of another man, against your will, its almost like a form of or something. You became a free agent at that time. It would have been different had you wanted to participate in the first place, but you were bullied into sex acts you didn't want to do. My question is what was his true motive? Was he, perhaps seeing someone on the side and wanted you to as well, to relieve some of his guilt? Seems likely to me. At any rate, you were young, and its history now. I have a hard time relating to this story...I can't imagine offing my woman up to anyone. But that's just me....I don't understand his motive. Might be because I'm trying to make sense out of nonsense.


slidein2meplz 61F
1994 posts
11/6/2005 7:48 am

KP~ Thanks for comin 'round and sayin hey. I questioned those very same suspicions you raised probably hundreds of times. Your right, and reading it here in your comment is what exactly happened...when I gave up and gave in....any feelings I had for the man were gone.

I don't believe he was already fooling around, since this constant obsession with him started almost immediately after we had gotten married. I don't think we'd been married barely 3 months when he started in on it.

My argument back to him was always "why would you want your wife to sleep with other men"...he just always would say it was because he thought I missed out by not having been with anyone other than him.

I've come to the conclusion that he was just a sicko and that the thought of me being with someone else was exciting to him. There are a lot of people out there, who think that way.

I've never understood that myself, nor would I ever accept it or allow it...and damn sure wouldn't encourage it. But then, deep down inside that's me and it is wrong to cheat.

At any rate, it backfired on him...and he not only lost me but he lost is best friend. I'm pretty sure he learned from his mistake as well, considering the surprise on his wife when I told her my side. She also questioned why would he do that. Apparently, he never suggested or pressured her to sleep with someone else.


~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
11/6/2005 12:49 pm

I don't think you were wrong, but I would not cast judgement upon anyone for making those choices. Wrong comes from inside, your morals and values. Even if you feel it was wrong, I would hope that by now you have forgiven yourself. Holding anger against yourself is just as damaging, if not worse, than holding anger against another.

DustStormDiva


slidein2meplz 61F
1994 posts
11/6/2005 2:41 pm

Hey there Dust ~~ Thanks...I have forgiven myself a long, long time ago.

Mzhuny's post just triggered a memory and because of the nature of the question, I just felt the need to share my experience...even though it wasn't a mutual thing ever between my husband and myself to be with someone else.

Still, some people/couples who participate in that lifestyle or bring in a 3rd partner have no problem...and for them that's ok.

But I wonder sometimes...if deep down inside one of their minds/hearts...it secretly bothers them. Even if they don't outwardly show it or share those concerns with their partner after the fact.

I wonder how many relationships fall apart after having had those experiences. Or perhaps the experience strengthened their bond.

I don't know...but I couldn't go there....nor could I push my man into the arms of another woman....not intentionally anyway.

Course...this is just one of a gillion class's in the school of hard knocks...ain't it. I learned my lesson...one I don't ever intend to make again.

~~Good to see ya..Dust..come visit again~~


~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


rm_luke69iner 48M
3275 posts
11/7/2005 3:10 am

A great post

I like a lot of what KP said. It sounds like your Ex invited the problem when he pushed you so hard to act against your will.

I think you were a little wrong more because Roy was married and you might have been part of hurting the only innocent one in this if his wife found out. In the same circumstance I can't say that I wouldn't have done the exact same thing though.

I think it's great that you're writing about infidelity because it's such a controversial issue on this site. I admire you for being able to share your own personal story. I hope I make it through life without ever cheating on a partner or having a partner cheat on me.

I have several friends though who have cheated on partners and I realize it's one of those imperfections that happens in life.


S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s'i'odo il vero,
Senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo
.
~Dante~


slidein2meplz 61F
1994 posts
11/7/2005 6:41 am

Luke ~~ Howdy! Thanks... The topic of infidelity does
seem to generate quite a bit of dialoge that's for sure.
I'm glad mzhuny opened up the subject. I hope you can make it through life with someone too w/out cheating or being cheated on. I know I won't ever again.


~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


slidein2meplz 61F
1994 posts
11/7/2005 6:47 am

I think I have an invisible comment floating around... Luke...thanks for stopping by....

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


rm_titsandtires 51M/41F
3656 posts
11/7/2005 2:18 pm

you made the best decision you could at that time. the same as anyone. you just don't always realize if it was right or wrong until later. even then, is there really a wrong choice, of just room for a better choice than the one that was made? two lessons for the younger folks here: pay attention

1. hind-sight is always 20/20.

2. careful what you wish for, you might just get it.

tires


slidein2meplz 61F
1994 posts
11/7/2005 9:40 pm

Hi T & T ~~ Yep...lol...he got what he asked for.. me with another man...but he didn't expect the rest. He was plenty sorry but it didn't do him any good. KP was right, when I gave up and gave in....it was already over.

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


tillerbabe 55F

11/7/2005 9:55 pm

Slide, that took a lot of guts to share with us. Thank you. The experiences that make who you are today; are never wrong. "Wrong" is repetition of the same act, when you've learned from it.....
These are the "gifts" that make each and every one of us wonderful and able to share knowledge with others.


slidein2meplz 61F
1994 posts
11/7/2005 11:46 pm

Thanks..Tiller ~~ You know, as I was reading mzhuny's post...and thinking about the question, and after reading all the comments, I just felt I had to share....because even tho there are a lot of people out there that have an open relationship...still it's good to kindof "forewarn" folks that while it may be all fun and good....and even acceptable and shared between them... stuff does happen, feelings do change...and it can backfire.

Nice to see you in my neck of the woods...hope you come by and visit again sometime... Have a good one!


~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


slidein2meplz 61F
1994 posts
11/7/2005 11:54 pm

Candy ~~ Hey there girlie whirlie... I understand completely what you are saying...and I imagine it's a difficult choice to make...do you or don't you ????...and if you still feel young and alive...and have those desires...yet have them unfullfilled is so sad.

Like that song ... Torn between 2 lovers. It ain't no fun being put on the back of a shelf and forgotten...been there once myself...and at a young age too...I was 31-32...and had a boyfriend who would barely touch me.
It makes you start to wonder if something is wrong with yourself....and then you find your self esteem sinking lower and lower.

So...we gonna have a dance? lol...

Thanks...for the visit...holler at me sometime soon..ok.


~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


rm_TwiztedCharm 56M
456 posts
11/9/2005 7:22 am

This is some of the best advise I seen here and isn't it a shame it need ever be given....

A word of advise...if you value your relationship...if you love your partner.... Don't push 'em to do something they don't want to do...Just don't do it...because it doesn't always work out the way you might think it ought to...

Lifes lessons are hard and the costs are high but worth it all .... that is what makes us all different and the same... the learning is what really counts and you know that too well...

I wish I had never given in...but I've learned from my mistake and I won't ever let it happen again.

I believe it is about RESPECT for one another, what I see as the biggest problem is that one partner always feels they must CONTROL the other and to me this a basic lack of respect.


slidein2meplz 61F
1994 posts
11/9/2005 8:13 am

TwiztedCharm ~~ Yes, it is a shame but people are going to do what ever it is that floats their boat. Thank you for your compliment.

"I believe it is about RESPECT for one another, what I see as the biggest problem is that one partner always feels they must CONTROL the other and to me this a basic lack of respect".

Have you ever noticed that when 2 people are in a relationship...there is always 1 of the 2 that works harder at it, loves deeper than the other, gives more than the other? Even if both people love each other very, very much....think about it. There is always 1 who loves the other more. Which is where the control comes into...because the other one...knows it. Thank you for you visit...and your comment. Hope you'll come around again and say hi.


~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


_Safira 53F
11260 posts
11/21/2005 3:32 am

Dear Slide ~

You told the story well, with unflinching honesty. Brava, Dear Lady!

"R" forced you into a position that should never have been; but this you know. You grabbing some happiness/enjoyment out of it was the bonus. Sorry Linda had to be dragged into it ... Obviously "R" "learned from his mistake" if he didn't ask HER to do the same thing. (I mean ... He had to know he wasn't all that great, and was afraid Linda might find out, too. *sorry ... just the "B" in me coming out*)

This was a great post, and I'm glad I "found" it. Thanks, again, for sharing.

Warmest regards,
Safira

This is my blog - Comes With Warning Labels. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

RECOMMENDED READING: A F F ... The Only Site For Me?


slidein2meplz 61F
1994 posts
11/21/2005 8:08 am

~~ Safira...cool name by the way! Thanks for stopping by my neck of the woods...and thank you for your compliment. Yep, he learned his lesson big time...and no I don't believe he did even try "goin there" with wife# 2...not after such dramatic--backfiring results with me.

I guess one of the reason's I chose to share this was so that maybe someone..somewhere might "see" something w/in their existance that maybe going on...or maybe some significat other is doing the same thing...trying to get the other one to do something they don't feel right about.

Maybe it will reach someone....and cause them to re-think what they are doing and opening their eyes up to the possibilty that it could very well backfire on them as well. Anyway....thanks for stopping by. Slide.


~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


slidein2meplz 61F
1994 posts
1/20/2006 1:48 am

    Quoting rm_mzhunyhole:
    You were young..it was a long time ago..you have learned alot now..it was and it wasn't.Alesson learned.
yep...huny...it was and I did...by now a lot of us have. Haven't we? Thanks..

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


slidein2meplz 61F
1994 posts
1/25/2006 4:46 pm

HEY SFW...I wondered where the other comment was that they said I had. LOL. So you have stories huh? hmmm... perhaps you'll link it to me if you've posted them. Ok?

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


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