January 19, 1930  

slidein2meplz 62F
1363 posts
1/19/2006 7:09 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

January 19, 1930

My dad would have been 76 years old today.

He and I didn't exactly have the best relationship between a father and a daughter.

In fact I honestly can't ever remember having heard him tell me he loved me. He didn't really know how to show love...and he didn't know how to discipline without beating one of us half to death....or so it seemed at the time.

I am the oldest of the 5 of us. I have a sister and 3 brothers. We were the 5 J's.
Jean, Jo, Jim, John and Jeff.

My mother would stand at the door and holler..each of our names when it was time to come in for dinner or just plain time to come in. She'd holler just once and wait...I suppose maybe 5 or 6 min's... don't know.. I was busy bein a kid.

If we didn't come a runnin when she called...then we'd hear... our dad... "WHISTLE"....and that was our 1 and only last warning to get into the house.

From what my mom has told me through the years, my dad apparently had a hard time growing up. His mother...my grandmother...didn't treat him very well.

I guess when he was just a toddler...she would literally tie him up like some sort of a dog...to the clothes line outside while she did the washing and ironing of other peoples clothes. She didn't have the time to care for him...she had clothes to wash. It was part of the way she earned a living back then.

Neighbors of my grandmother had shared this story with my mom. I remember when she told me about it for the first time...how sad I felt for my dad.

No wonder I often thought..no wonder he didn't know how to show us he loved us...he hadn't been shown how by his mother.

As I grew up, and because I was the oldest...it seemed that I was the one who got it the most. I was the one my sister and brothers watched and made their mental notes to themselves about what NOT to do.

I'm not going to go into all the beatings...and there were plenty....and...they were bad...I will say that once he knocked me out...that one was the worst....but they got it too...just not quite as bad as I did.

I grew up hating my dad....I dreaded hearing that old Studaker truck of his turning the corner and coming up the street at the end of his work day.

By the time we were all in our teens and my brothers were in their pre-teens... we learned what sort of stuff pissed him off and we learned how to read his body language...how to read the expressions on his face when he walked through the door....we learned what kind of MOOD he was in by the tone of his voice....and we walked on egg shells...boy did we walk on egg shells.

We got to be expert egg shell walkers. We also, learned to avoid him in any and every way possible. You've never seen 5 kids scatter to their rooms or to the backyard or the living room faster. Little by little...we'd venture out to the kitchen...walking on egg shells.

Once I turned 17.. I discovered that if I had a boyfriend... my dad wouldn't beat me. So I always made sure I had a boyfriend.

My last boyfriend of my youth...became my first (and only -- so far)husband. I married him for all the wrong reasons. I married him so I could get out from under my dads roof.

We've all heard that..haven't we.."while your living under my roof..it's going to be this way". Maybe we've said it ourselves...to our kids..huh? Makes sense..my house, my rules...I'm the one feeding and clothing you...providing shelter.

Anyway... I get married.. I'm barely 18...2 weeks out of high school. Now..I didn't have to get married... I wasn't pregnant...but I got married to get away from my dad.

3 days later.. I realize...I don't love my husband...what the hell am I doing? I call my mom...and I'm crying...and she tells me I'm just nervous...and it'll be ok...just give it some time. So...I gave it some time. 3 years later... I have a daughter...I do so love my daughter... but I still didn't exactly love my husband.

This link will give you a little
better understanding about that

Was I wrong?

So, I stick with it and gave it more time.

About 2 years later...I decide...I can't do this anymore. I'm 23 years old...I've never had a job in my life. But...I've got to get out and I do. I move back to Az. from Ca. and in with my mom temporarily. I've no car and hardly any money.

All I had was my daughter, 3 suitcases...and $75.00

My dad...by now....has grown... or maybe it was because I had grown. He was different...and I was for sure way different....I wasn't just a daughter anymore...but I was also a mom...and he was a Grandpa.

He was just plain COOL..

Now, my mom and dad...divorced when I was 19 but they had always remained close. So the 2 of them went in together and bought me a car. It was a 1969 Ford Fairlane or something like that.... ugliest car you've ever seen... light pea green, 4 door sled. Gas gauge didn't work, heater didn't work, no a/c...but it was transportation.

My ex husband and I hadn't divorced just yet...but we were in the process and ...there were still a lot of things I didn't have and still needed...like important papers, pictures...the rest of my clothes and my daughter's clothes...certain keep sakes, stuff I had left in Ca.

So my dad and I take a road trip. We drove up on a Sunday...stayed the night at a really cheap motel....and the next morning....I called the house to see if he was there...and he wasn't...he was gone to work. So, we went to the house... we got what I wanted and needed....and packed the back of my dads truck til it was full and then headed for home.

We didn't do a lot of talking...but we sure did listen to a lot of country music...and we laughed a lot.

Getting divorced was proving to be a very difficult thing... my ex-husband wanted custody and of course...so did I. We battled back and forth for months....until finally one day...my dad picked up the phone and said to my ex....
"Sign the mother fucking papers...or I'll come out there with a baseball bat".

Nuff said...the fear of God instilled.... the ex did.. and ~~ POOF ~~ shortly thereafter... we were divorced. Done deal. I got custody and he got pretty liberal visitation rights. He also got off damn cheap for child support. Back then he only had to pay $125.00 a month...and it didn't have to go through the court system. Wasn't monitored at all for compliance.

So, now that I have all that out of the way... I went looking for a job...and I found one fairly quick. Shortly after I started working...my dad met a woman and he moved in with her....but he had a dilema...his apartment lease was not up.

So...he gave me his apartment, and he helped me move in....all was good.

I have my daughter..I have a job, a car...and my own place.

However...being a single mom... money was always very tight and my ex husband didn't always send child support. It was a constant battle between he and I.

Then that first Christmas and New Years after we were divorced he asked if our daughter could come out for the entire month of January. His sister would pick her up and drive her out to Ca. I wasn't wild about letting her go, but I did.

When the month was up and she was to be flown home... I get a call from him saying...he wasn't going to let her come home. I made too much money according to DES and not enough money to afford a lawyer. I was stuck..or felt stuck... and didn't know what to do... this went on for nearly 9 months. Finally my dad said... that he and I would go out there.. and we would "snatch" her back, because every time I called to talk to her... he wouldn't let me. Well... we did.. we snatched her back... My dad... got my daughter back for me....and off we went... with dust flyin. My ex was pissed...but his wife calmed him down....and we didn't have any more trouble after that.

My dad... and I became bud's. He became the dad he should've been when I was growing up. He came to my rescue more times than I can count since those early days I came back home. I finally loved my dad. I finally respected my dad.... I finally needed my dad....and he needed not only me..but the rest of us too.

I have tons and tons of funny memories of my dad. He was a character, he had charisma...he was street smart...common sense smart... and a damn good car mechanic. He used to race cars...he used to work for a famous Indy car driver... he knew how to do just damn near anything... and he could fix nearly damn near anything. He was funny, really, really funny. He kinda looked a lot like Johnny Carson. He had that same kind of sparkle in his eye.

When he was diagnosed with bladder cancer shortly after his birthday in 1991 he came to the dealership I was working at and he came in calm, cool... collected like he always had...and he said for me to come outside..he needed to talk to me. He told me he had just been diagnosed with cancer and for me not to worry, because he didn't know just how bad it was yet...but in a few days he was going to go and have a biopsy...then we'd know.

It wasn't good news... he didn't have long to live. He tried chemotherapy but it just made him so sick. I took him for chemo once...and I remember I had to drive really slow...because he was getting motion sickness.

He quit having chemo and opted for quality over quantity. 1 week before he died....I knew I had to forgive him... I knew he needed to know how he made me feel when I was growing up and he needed to know that I forgive him.

So, I wrote and I wrote and I poured every ounce of everything I ever felt into that letter....and I forgave him....and I let him know that even though he couldn't say he loved me.... I knew he did...and that I loved him too.

He died May 15th, 1991 not even 4 months after he was diagnosed...and his name was Keith.

He didn't know how to say it... but he knew how to show it.

Happy birthday Dad! I miss you..and I still love you.



~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


CelticKarma 43F
1350 posts
1/19/2006 11:34 pm

*sniffle* Happy Birthday, Keith.

*HUGS slide*


slidein2meplz 62F
1994 posts
1/19/2006 11:35 pm

    Quoting rm_mzhunyhole:
    Hey..ya got me crying here..HAPPY BIRTHDAY to your dad...sweet post.
You and me both...thank you.

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


Sorceror07 54M

1/19/2006 11:49 pm

once we realize out parents are human, not perfect... that's the first step. it is good you made your peace with him and that he did the same. i know many who have not and it's too late.

i am very touched by your words, thank you

...That which does not kill me merely pisses me off!...


slidein2meplz 62F
1994 posts
1/20/2006 1:32 am

Thank you Celtic...and hugs back at ya. Thanks for reading my story and visiting my blog.

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


slidein2meplz 62F
1994 posts
1/20/2006 1:39 am

Your so very right Sorceror...my sister and brothers... still hold a grudge to an extent. I was the only one who made peace with him before he went. I attribute that to my Buddhism. Thank you for your kind words...and for your visit.

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


kyplowboy22 61M

1/20/2006 4:26 am

This may be one of the most honest, open things I have ever read. What a woman. Glad to call you friend. Later

kpb


slidein2meplz 62F
1994 posts
1/20/2006 7:23 am

Thank you KP. I'm glad to call you my friend too.

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


rm_DaphneR 58F
7938 posts
1/20/2006 8:01 am

Ya know Slide, you made it hard for me to leave a smartass comment.

As much as we were at odds with them as we were growing up, daddies are special and in the end we could always count on them.

Hugs woman

Have tongue, will use it. Repeatedly.


slidein2meplz 62F
1994 posts
1/20/2006 8:26 am

Aww thanks Daphne...you could've left a smartass comment...my dad would've loved it...he was the King of smartass....just where do you think I get my "stomp the dick/cock in the dirt" from...lol. Yep...one of his many, many words of wisdom.

Yes my dad was special...and I think I wanted so bad during those growing up years to be able to feel it....but couldn't until we both grew up. He rescued me many a time...and I could count on him.

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


sexymermaid6956 63F
26393 posts
1/20/2006 9:22 am

wow slide.bearing your heart and in doing so i saw the love for your dad through out.Happy Belated birthday to your dad..He was a very handsom man as the beautiful picture of him shows l am glad kp sent me this way.

[]

Seduce my mind and my body


slidein2meplz 62F
1994 posts
1/20/2006 10:04 am

thank you and welcome to my blog Sexymermaid. He was a good looking man.

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


fun4allin2006 53M
1583 posts
1/20/2006 7:42 pm

A warm hug goes out to you on this special day. A day you can reflect back on your father. You know you almost wonder if since his childhood was snatched away, he never knew how to treach children-sad-how was he with your daughter? Great post and I know many tears fell as you were writing it. I give you a HUG.
Fun


slidein2meplz 62F
1994 posts
1/20/2006 11:42 pm

Thanks Fun..Yes, I'm certain that a lot of how my dad was, was a direct result of the way his mother treated him.

Back in the early/mid 1930's... I think she had a rough time financially and so she ran a boarding house and did peoples laundry, washing/drying and ironing.

Plus she had him late in life.. I think she was maybe in her 40's or so when he was born. One of her boarders, as it turned out actually got her pregnant...and of course they married.

My grandmother was a bitter, mean old woman...and she did not like my mother at all, nor was she very good to us kids. So we rarely spent much time with her...we knew her..and saw her...but we just weren't close to her at all.

Now my grandfather...was completely different according to my mom. He was very soft spoken, very kind and very loving. He passed away when I was very young and so I barely remember him.

As far as my dad was at being a Grandpa... he was great... typical loving grandpa. Course, he scolded her a time or too...but never swatted her little butt or talked harshly to her. Sorta ironic in a way...how a person changes in those regards.

Yes..there were a great many tears flowing while I was writing this post....I actually didn't intend for it to be so long, but then again...to understand the changes he went thru and I went thru....It was needed. Stay safe over there.

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


rm_1hotwahine 63F
21091 posts
1/21/2006 12:02 am

I always here about 'breaking the cycle of abuse' and what I thought of when I read your post was what a service you have done to your daughter and future generations by breaking the cycle and understanding the why. Thank you for posting this honest tribute.

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]


slidein2meplz 62F
1994 posts
1/21/2006 8:40 am

Thanks 1hot...that cycle was broken w/in our family for sure. I know that for myself I would start to feel some sort of rage and have to catch myself and stop before it went further. Hard to do sometimes. Fortunately, I was able to recognize it.

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


slidein2meplz 62F
1994 posts
1/21/2006 8:49 am

Candy... I'm glad I was able to, too. My sister and brothers didn't, so still to this day, they have a hard time talking about memories of our dad....we don't get far into it, when inevitably one of them will say they don't want to talk about him. It bothers them. Doesn't bother me cuz I did make amends with him.

I tell ya, my dad was a pistol. He didn't really take to much crap from anyone....and because my ex was so afraid of my dad...he didn't push it when we took Kelly back.

love you to!

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


rm_DaphneR 58F
7938 posts
1/22/2006 12:53 am

Hey Slide, here's the link you asked me for. Happy Birthday
I figured my mom could hang with your dad a while.

Have tongue, will use it. Repeatedly.


slidein2meplz 62F
1994 posts
1/22/2006 8:14 am

LOL.. Yep... who know's maybe they are. Thanks. Wouldn't that be a hoot huh?

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


rm_jynxgurl 30F
209 posts
1/22/2006 8:39 pm

Wow, you know the scary thing about this? alot of your life matches mine... wierd, only my problem is with my step dad (only after the first bruise my mom stepped up and wouldn't let him beat me, I love my mom, couldn't imagine my life without her..), and I can not imagine ever forgiving my step dad, but if he turns around like your dad did, and even becomes half as good, I could. Happy Belated Birthday to your Dad!!


slidein2meplz 62F
1994 posts
1/22/2006 9:14 pm

Thanks Jynx...this change in my dad took many, many years...and it was necessary that I go thru my changes as well. I imagine a step dad situation might be a little harder to see it thru the course. I hope at some point you are able to get past it.

My mom...did the best she could, but it was difficult.

The one time that he knocked me out...was absolutely the worst...and it happened so fast, way before she could stop it. I guess as soon as it happened he took off and drove out to the desert... he loved the desert...and being in Tucson, Az. we have plenty of it. Anyway... I guess according to my mom....he went out there...and sat in his truck and cried. So, it wasn't that he wanted to beat me... he just plain didn't know how to control his anger and/or rage.

It wasn't until my daughter was nearly 2...that my mom and I were talking about it...and she asked me if I remembered it. Which I didn't. I must have blocked it out.

Anyway...she said that after that I was never the same. Which in some ways bothers me still to this day... 27 years after she said it.

She's been ill herself this year.. she had lung cancer...and on March 1st... she had half of her left lung removed. the upper lobe. Fortunately they got it all and so the cancer is gone. But recovery after a surgery like that takes a long time to get over. So, I haven't attempted to talk with her about it. Eventually I will. Thanks.

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


rm_jynxgurl 30F
209 posts
1/23/2006 4:12 pm

Yikes!! I had an aunt who died of lung cancer, but they didn't get all of it, your mom is very lucky to have survived, she must live a good life to have that kind of luck. Hope she recovers well!!


slidein2meplz 62F
1994 posts
1/23/2006 9:28 pm

Thank you Star...I think most of us have an issue in one way or another with one or maybe both parents. I think a lot of my ability to mend the fence with him was partialy due to my Buddhist practice.

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


slidein2meplz 62F
1994 posts
1/24/2006 8:34 am

SFW ~ Thanks. I'm sorry about your relationship with your dad. Probably if mine had stayed the same as when I was growing up, I would've felt the same as you.

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


keithcancook 60M
17766 posts
1/24/2006 9:01 am

Thanks for sharing, slide. I'm sure more blessings are coming your way.


slidein2meplz 62F
1994 posts
1/24/2006 9:23 am

Thanks Keith...I hope so.

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


rm_jefedan 57M
24 posts
2/24/2006 9:47 pm

I admire and respect you greatly for being the person you are today - a true model. From our first conversation, I knew that you're special, and now the world knows. I'm so happy that you found peace with you dad, only good things will come of it. I'm so proud to have met your aquaintance and hope our budding friendship continues to grow.
My best...


rm_jefedan 57M
24 posts
2/24/2006 9:48 pm

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY, KIETH!!!!!!!!!


slidein2meplz 62F
1994 posts
2/25/2006 2:03 pm

jefedan ~~ I'm stumbling for words...because yours are sincere and genuine...and have touched me in ways that no one has in a long while. I am very glad my birthday post caught your eye and attention...and I haven't told you this...but your comment in that post took my breath away. slidein2meplz You, also have entered my dreams and I look forward to many, many more hours of communication...and building solid foundations for what could lie ahead. ** groping, hugging and kissing **

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


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