|Blogs > silvertongue65 > Seven Darks Await...|
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I look back and see I haven't posted in almost a month. I want to thank my friends in the blogging community and those who actually enjoy reading my blog for NOT asking me why I haven't posted. But since the topic has now come up:
1) I have had my computer time drastically reduced due to work constraints. Those who know me will remember that I do my computing at the Los Angeles Public Libraries (my last computer melted a motherboard and I cannot currently replace it).
2) I have been in a funk, a rut, a bad mood... whatever you choose to call it for the last month, and it has gnawed at my creative roots like a hungry gopher on steroids.
3) I am currently suffering from a physical problem that has me feeling less that 100% in the sexual dynamics department. It's not contagious, but it does depress me... Luckily, its fixable with a little blue pill.
4) I haven't had a date in months, through no lack of trying. I need some company, some closeness.
5) My best friend in the world harshawjis over 300 miles away in another state, and I miss being able to just shoot the shit with him, to "just drive around and tell stories."
Those are the chief maladies besides the ever-present poverty of my current financial constraints.
So here I am, in the privacy of my own blog... complaining again. GAWD I hate to do that! I should just erase this all. There is no point in hanging my filthy psyche out there for everyone to see. It doesn't make me more or less human. It makes me a poor excuse for a human in my eyes, but everyone is entitled to complain. I guess by writing it down, I can step back from it and hopefully let go of the strength my mind gives this to drive me more insane than I already am.
Please forgive me for being human. I know that some people actually depend on me for council and advice, to be an ear and a shoulder in need. Its painfully hard for me to ask for the same in return. It pains me to have to be weak and vulnerable, even to myself. I don't know why... when I have been in relationships with women, its so EASY to open up. But this really chaps my hide. Its like a weasel eating my guts from the inside. I can't sleep through the night anymore, and I am just going to have to deal with it and find a way to change my situation and my life.
Any of you ever feel like this? Like if you don't just scream or cry or yell or rant that you will explode or implode, or go crazy? What do you do when that happens? Who do you trust not to look at you funny when you need to let go of your control and just be that frightened child we all lock away most of the time?
8/17/2005 11:55 am
Glad to see that you are still alive.... I was wondering about you today... for some strange reason. Were your ears burning???? |
I have felt like that many times over. Sometimes, venting through my creative outlets is good for me (through my many blogs, etc). I will sometimes take a drive (BTW, 300 miles isn't too far for a drive to see your buddy Harshawj. I know that you two are close b/c when he and I were talking much more on a regular basis, your name would come up often in the conversations.
If you need an ear, you know where I am!!!