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The Light Within
The Light Within
I get lost and loose my way. I’ve lived a hundred different lives, in a million different places. My mom always said I had a tendency to exaggerate. I do. She said if mouth were worth money I would be a millionaire. I would. I can sit around in a group and mix well, I used to mold myself to whomever I was around, and I used to be a people pleaser. I was so eager for attention and approval that I sacrificed who I was, who I am. That changed and still changes as I grow into someone with character, integrity, loyal to myself and those I care about. I could not love until I loved myself. I do. I know now how to stand up, be heard, feel my feet beneath me.
There are so many prophetic things I can say, for I make up the words. I reinvent myself again. The best bet is to stretch out my hand to reach for what I can not reach.
I wish to pontificate the rainbow, with light dancing in prisms of glory and color. I want a love I can bask in the sunlight of someone’s smile. To view the deep dark pool of clear brown eyes. The soot of lash dancing around the edge of this pool. I want to be a scholar of life, of people, of choice.
On the other hand I realize that I am dying, we are all dying. What will I leave as my legacy? What will be my contribution? I could spend my life pondering, I will not. I will ponder, but I must react in the time remains that I have. Over time I was abused, abused myself, allowed others to abuse me and ruined my temple…that stopped a years ago. I am a child, a boy, a son, a father and a man. I am stopped on the road of life, waiting to live. Wanting to love and be loved... For the greatest gift we can ever have is love, and being loved in return. The idea is not perfect, not without merit, and not obscene. But it too is obscene and perfect. There are so many problems we create by not accepting the nature of man, and his will to satiate his needs.Sex, drugs, power, wealth, ego, pride, they all draw blood form the bearer, from the donor, from the spectator, from the king.
A moment of pleasure can be followed by a lifetime of pain and regret. We destroy ourselves by making our expectations somebody else’s reality. I well up, and emotion overcomes me. I don’t want to fall now or ever again.,but I know to feel life I will. The mad rambling of a blackout on drugs and alcohol are behind me. We can recreate our own realities, and the past can not hurt you. It lloms over you like a shadow in the scorching sun. You may not escape it, you may not out run it, but you can make ita puppet show that you control. They can be compelling. Sometimes we need a hand held out to help us up, and sometimes we help ourselves up. Today is a day to help myself up. I lost by no ones fault but my own. I love. I know everything is not always as it seems and I was not delivering everything that everyone wanted. Being proactive means many things to many people, to me it means fixing the underlying problems first and the rest will catch up with you, live with those consequenses. I am soul searching for a reason to stay in the game. I will grow from this and stand taller than those that were not affected. I have come back to be more whole, pure, free. When my time comes to shine I will shine brighter than a million candles. The light comes from within not from without. I will be realized and not forgotten.
I wrote the preceding over a year ago when I made so many changes in my life. I found it in a hidden file in my computer and wanted to share it. Peace and Love.