Don't Love me I could Die  

shylena256 42F
2608 posts
8/22/2006 12:29 am

Last Read:
11/4/2006 11:12 pm

Don't Love me I could Die

This post is just a copy and paste of some thoughts I had during the worst of the chemo/cancer treatment thing.
At the time it was an epiphany for me.
I know a lot of people are dealing with cancer and thoughts about it here, and I thought to post some thoughts I had as a single cancer patient.
Sometimes it does help to see what someone else thought, and not being the type to join a support group...well I'm just plopping this down here.

Dont love me I could die.

Better not let me feel love now while I’m alive because if I pass, it could be painful for you. Now if you don’t share the excitement and thrills with me you won’t have to hurt if life takes them away from you.
Right now you think life is long and has lots in store for you, you still don’t feel your own mortality. Loving with me could take that away.
I live with my mortality, and without time.
Life without later can be fun and it can be foolish, but for me now it is wise.
I think the offer to share the urgency and spontanaeity of being alive with me is enticing but for most, maybe it is too frightening.
I have accepted the inevitability of my death but I don’t let it haunt me, still it is goading me to take action now.
The intensity of my desire to live, coupled with the fear of my early death must be scary to others.
But the fear of dying without having been free with myself and without having shared that freedom with another person on an intense and exciting level continues to push me.
I am looking for the person that that doesn’t overwhelm, who is themselves still stable, who wants to push the envelope with me and be uninhibited on a spiritual soulful level.
I do not really understand that my situation should scare other people, and I do not understand the reaction of fear to the offer of love and sharing.

OboesHonedIambs 62F

8/23/2006 8:30 am

Thanks for this, Lena. I needed to read this today. I will drop by for your footshow soon.

Instant Human -- Just Add Coffee

hereIam51757 56F
8001 posts
8/23/2006 11:17 pm

Oh, Lena ..... Thank you for sharing this. Beautiful.

Today I am celebrating my wedding anniversary for the first time without my husband, who died from gall bladder cancer in November.

During the few, short months of time we had left together, we made some wonderful memories to last me a lifetime without him. He received chemo as palliative treatment only, which was good for him, as it did work and afforded us some quality time together. We were able to travel for extended weekend getaways, go visit family and friends near and far, and, as you so eloquently worded it -- we loved. We shared our love with each other and with those around us. We would not allow "the Beast" to overcome Ron and US.

Thank you!
and God Bless You.


shylena256 42F
1967 posts
8/24/2006 2:00 am

Hey everyone. I am glad my thoughts were of some worth to you.
I am off to enjoy life now for a week with a boy.
It's a nice life init?

rm_affbreak 46M
287 posts
10/25/2006 6:36 pm

> I do not really understand that my situation should scare other people

Loss is something many people are scared of, not realizing it's the main value-adding parameter to things we do think we 'own'... be it life or partners ..

P.S.: Chances are you're still 'just too big'.

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