|Blogs > shiversguy > Inside the mind of The Expert|
My restless spirit
My restless spirit
I've been feeling very restless and have had troubles staying home lately. Maybe it's a coincidence, or may be not, but this weekend is when my wife died.
It's hard to explain what I feel. The best way to describe it is that I feel like a rock in the ocean surf. Like the waves hitting the rock, I feel waves of emotions, of impulses, of energy slamming into me. As the waves retreat back into the ocean, my impulses also retreat only to come back again in yet another wave.
I went out Friday night and got drunk. Not rip roaring drunk but more than just a good buzz. I went to a bar downtown. It reminds of a club I use to frequent years ago when I lived in Utica. I just felt like people watching. I didn't want to socialize but I didn't want to be alone either.
Saturday night I went to my girl friends. We had a n Italian meal, then drove to Pittsford to watch "Brokeback Mountain" with another couple. It was a great movie and brought a tear to my eye. Of course I told everyone that my sinuses were bothering me and that's why I was sniffling.
Monday night I went out alone again. This time it was just dinner. A seafood shanty which has cafe tables. It's the type of place where you won't feel funny eating by yourself.
Tuesday night was very rough. I felt so alone, so small. The waves were hitting me full force. I didn't want to drink, I didn't want to eat. I didn't want to stay in or be alone, but I had nowhere to go. I just couldn't go through that again, so Wednesday night I drove to my girl friends. It helped a bit being with her, being with someone familiar.
My AdultFriendFinder friend called Saturday morning. It's funny how she seems to sense that something is bothering me. We hadn't spoken since I screwed up. It was good to hear her voice. I didn't feel much like chatting but her voice was soothing and made me feel better.
It's funny how my AdultFriendFinder profile has fizzled out but my Alt profile had a few hits. I turned all the response down. I don't want to jeopardize my friendship with my AdultFriendFinder friend. I feel like I might be gaining some trust back with her. Her friendship means so much more to me to me than just the meaningless sex romps that were being offered.
While this wasn't what I consider a bad week, hopefully, next week will be a little better.