My Shell  

shiversguy 56M
2 posts
1/13/2006 8:39 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

My Shell

Well I screwed up again with my AdultFriendFinder friend. I'm really getting annoyed and frustrated with myself. I wanted us to be in an exclusive on the side relationship. Each time I asked her she said no. I figured she wanted us to see others before agreeing to be exclusive. Testing the water so to speak.

So, I exchanged a few emails with another woman. My friend found out and now that cost me her friendship. Turns out what she was trying to say was she felt things were moving to quick. She didn't want us to see others, just take it slow and let things develop naturally.

Unfortunately for me subtle suggestions go over my head. I'm the type who needs to be hit with a baseball bat a few times before things sink in.

Or, maybe I've been hit in the head one to many times. My brain has always had a problem processing information. When I first started school it was thought I might have a learning disability. Forty years ago, teachers didn't have a clue as to what to look for. Basically, they said I was intelligent but not applying myself. It wasn't that I wasn't trying. My brain would take the information and skew it into something a little different. It's like making a sandwich. Most people automatically put the lunch meat between the bread. I would put the bread between the lunch meat.

I've been thinking about it most of the week (and yes my brain hurts). Consciously, I like her and want to be with her. My heart would speed up a little and skip a beat when we chatted. My breathing became just a little faster. I could feel excitement running in my blood. I have a steady girlfriend, I was married, I've dated quite a few women in my past. But none has made me feel like this. Subconsciously, I'm wondering if I'm trying to sabotage this friendship. If so, I know why. It's because I'm afraid of being hurt.

She basically hasn't spoken to me all week. She hasn't ignored me completely either. Her responses have been just a little more than: yes, no, maybe, and so.

I'm not saying I don't deserve it. I do. This could have been avoided if I could have opened up to her. I put up walls, I go in my shell where it is safe and warm, all because I don't want to be hurt.

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