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I hurt someone last night
I hurt someone last night
I don't know how to start this. I grew up in an emotional dysfunctional home (think Fraser and Lilith Crane). It's going to be very difficult to express what I'm feeling. I finally met someone and I totally fucked things up.
We had been chatting, calling each other, and decided to meet in person for the first time yesterday. The chemistry was there, online, on the phone, and in real life. We went back to my place and I came on to her. She didn't resist and we ended up in the bedroom having sex. Physically and emotionally she took me to places I only dreamed of but had never been. I don't know if there was an expression on my face or a look in my eyes but in the middle of this she asked if I was feeling any regrets. We both have significant others and I needed reassurance that we would remain just lovers, nothing more. Unfortunately, I can't express myself well, and my answer can out all wrong. I asked if she could handle the fact that we would only be lovers. She got upset and responded by saying that was why she was only looking for married/attached men. Needless to say she got dressed and left in tears.
She did respond to my emails last night. Turns out she felt like I was just using her for a quickie fuck and was going to boot her to the door. The truth is I feel the complete opposite. This is a woman I could fall for. And that scares me tremendously since we are both in established relationships.
Her emails made me look at myself differently. I thought I had my emotions under control and knew what I wanted. Was asking her if she could handle this type of relationship really a way for me to reassure myself that I could handle it? Sure, I've had a few no strings attached, one night only meets. I had no emotional problems afterwords. But this was the first time I was with a lover, someone I genuinely liked and cared about, and I blew it completely.
I have a feeling the relationship is over and that there will be no second chance. I don't know if this was the right thing to do or not, but in my last email I said I would not contact her. I don't want to be putting pressure on her or becoming a pain in her ass.
As for me, I feel horrible because I hurt her so. My heart is not into this anymore. While I will still check in with AdultFriendFinder, I am going to lay low for a while and get my shit together. I don't want to hurt another person. That's a real crappy feeling.