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When to Quit Looking: A Primer
When to Quit Looking: A Primer
What are some warning signs that you shouldn't online date? When someone on the site mails you and says "What are you doing on this thing?" When your friends start forwarding you matches they so thoughtfully found for you by doing keyword searches on "asian" and "fuckable"? When only 50 year old men respond to your ad?
Or maybe just when the following winners contact you.
From the distinguished profile of bachelor #1:
"I definately have a type of girl that I tend to be attracted to. The most important personality traits to me are that she is confident in herself and with her body, assertive in her actions, extremely outgoing and down to earth, and fairly simple in her needs. Physically she must be fit with a FIRM, ROUND butt and a flat stomach. Anything else is just a bonus."
Good thing you're the type of guy who's easy to please. Let's see if we're a match! I'd like a guy who can spell the word "definitely," doesn't photograph like a top-heavy orangutan, is extremely able to recite the alphabet, and has a HUGE package. Anything else is just a bonus.
From the keen literary mind of bachelor #2:
"i AM DEFINATELY SKEPTICAL ABOUT THIS WHOLE INTERNET MEETING THING, BUT MY SISTER IS MAKING ME TRY IT. i GUESS YOU NEVER KNOW. i HAVE NEVER EVEN EMAILED ANYONE TIL TODAY. CHECK OUT MY PICS AND BIO, LET ME KNOW IF YOU ARE INTERESTEDD IN TALKING SOMETIME. THIS IS WEIRD, BUT, NONE THE LESS, I HOPE TO HEAR BACK FROM YOU"
It doesn't take a genius to run the spell checker, but apparently it does take two morons to spell "definitely" wrong the same way. This guy needs to get his caps lock key fixed, or at least he needs to look up every now and then while typing. If your sister has you that whupped, no wonder your wife left you.
From the spreadsheet of bachelor #3:
"My must see TV includes CSI, Law & Order, Friends, Fraser, The Sopranos, Real World. Movies I enjoy the most are comedies and dramas. Some of my favorites are The Green Mile, Shawshank Redemption, A Few Good Men, Jerry Maguire, Good Will Hunting, Braveheart, Gladiator, Mr. Hollands Opus. I like to play as well as watch many sports. A few of my favorites would be basketball, tennis, white water rafting and rollerblading."
Hey buddy, thanks for the bulleted list, but I think the web site you want is HotJobs.com. I don't take applications, and apparently you didn't read the little fact that I don't own a TV nor am I impressed by the fact that you sit on the couch 40 hours a week. I didn't know you could watch rollerblading on TV, but then, you'd know more about it than me.
From the extensive efforts of bachelor #4:
"Hey, your pretty cute. Any luck so far with these personals? What do u like to so for fun? Talk to u soon and if theres any thing u want to know about me feel free to ask"
Do you even make an effort to brush your hair in the morning?
From the ego of bachelor #5:
"I am considered to be intelligent, funny, ambitious, sensitive, focused, hard working, and serious."
Really? By who? The American Idol staff? Or your mom?
From the optimistic outlook of bachelor #6:
"My lifestyle is so busy that I need to give this interNET dating a try. No success thus far. I am beginning to loose hope and confidence that someone special is still out there. Is there anyone that can help me!!"
If you find out, don't call me, I hope never to run into you in real life. If you mean "special" like you, I guarantee, there is still someone out there for you ... try the short bus.
From the disbelief of bachelor #7:
"Do you still compete in equestrian? and talent contests?"
No, I just Photoshopped my face onto pictures of Olympic riders and american idol contestants. I'm really just a poser, but I didn't write that in my profile because I thought people might judge me, and as we all know, judging people by what they write is wrong.
From the personal marketing of bachelor #8:
"Hi, I am an inch under 5'11, divorced, have a beautiful 8 year old son, and 3 years over your desired age."
Man, you're a train wreck! You should probably put yourself out of your misery as quickly as possible. I wouldn't suggest trying to date me, as that would only prolong it.
From the little black book of bachelor #9:
"Attractive and adventurous... I would love the chance for making a playfull lady find her satisfaction. I am just the handsome fellow that can make your taking the next step easy, safe & rewarding."
I'm not sure I should even ask at this point.