|Blogs > sfvppl818 > A Theatre of the Absurd ::::::|
To all the retarded men I've encountered...
To all the retarded men I've encountered...
Seriously, I'm not one to make blanket statements, but I feel I deserve this one deviation.
Guy #1: We hung out with mutual friends in college. You asked me out, I thought you were sweet, we went out. Then at around 2am when we were really starting to get to know each other, you suddenly mention that you should be getting back to your girlfriend. WTF, man. You then tried to cover yourself by telling me how unsatisfied you were with the relationship and shit. Yeah, so you're just priming me as a backup? I'm flattered, and fuck you.
Guy #2: I saw you in your underwear and fell in lust at first site. I asked for your e-mail, and you gave it to me (pretty cool, since I wasn't wearing a shirt at the time). Long story short, you weren't interested in getting involved with anyone because you were too busy writing your thesis... then I see you around Valentine's day with a girlfriend. She's boring and fuck you.
Interim: After I graduated, I figured it would be much easier to find someone (stupid women's colleges, I will destroy them all!). Yeah right.
Guy #3: I was dancing at a club, looking hot and having a great time. You came up behind me and began simulating a sexual encounter with my back. You did not show yourself to me beforehand, much less make eye-contact with me to gain tacit approval for this predatory behavior. Despite this, you still felt free to *grab my fucking hand* while behind me, and try to make me embrace you. Fuck you. Next time, *ask*. It's not hard, I do it all the time. .....
Guy #4: I met you online, and your real-life persona did not disappoint. This was a miracle, given my encounters with other on-line dates that do not merit mention in this rant. Even though you were 15 pounds heavier than your ad said, I still found you attractive. You were smart, you let me play on your X-box with you, and you even told me I was cute when we met. Yet you say that you only advertised on a personals site as a "man seeking woman" for friendship. Great. Then why do you complain when I head off for a weekend in Santa Barbara? Fuck you.
Guy #5: You had lovely eyes and an air of innocence about you. You were also 2 years younger than I, which excited me for some reason. Then later when we hung out with mutual friends over the weekend, you had *nothing to say*. You just sat there and smiled as I tried to engage you in conversation. Yet when we ran into that physics major at 3am, you suddenly came alive and even had a conversation with him about soddering and welding things. I learned this all later, of course, since I was falling asleep at the time. I hate you.
Guys #6 and up: You are writing an e-mail right now to me to tell me that the reason I am constantly disappointed is because I must be a total bitch, judging by the tone of this rant and that I should make an effort to smile more/be less bitchy. Fuck you. I am perfectly reasonable, nice (I once found $80 on the ground and turned it in to *lost and found* -- maybe that counts as stupidity instead of goodness, though) laid-back as all hell, into dorky things, and some even say that I'm sexy/cute/etc. I even smile all the goddamn time around people I like. But now as I near the 23rd anniversary of my birth with my virginity still distressingly intact, I have to conlude one of two things: 1) I am carrying dog shit in my pockets that only men can smell (because I have no trouble getting come-ons from women for some reason), or 2) The men I encounter are all asshats.
I just want one goddamn fucking romantic date from one goddamn fucking dude who is attracted to me and not a prick with maggots for brains -- some fucking food, a fucking movie, some fucking cuddling, and maybe a goddamn piece-of-shit motherfucking kiss at the end and a stupid diseased pricksicle of a goddamn e-mail or phone number, and maybe even an ass-ramming intention to see me again.
That is all.
5/9/2006 1:27 pm
So sad that life has treated you like this. Guys are retarded, often, but you should start remaking them in your preferred image. Think of them like homes, every house will need some remodeling, new drapes, carpets and furniture. So look for the basics of a human and start the makeover... the candidate needs good health, a job and a car, plus a willingness to please you and have a sexual long term relationship...|