The Truth About Freaks ... Well, Scary Men on the Internet  

sfvppl818 50M/50F
486 posts
5/25/2006 8:32 pm

Last Read:
5/28/2006 3:00 am

The Truth About Freaks ... Well, Scary Men on the Internet

Congratulations! You've entered the fast-paced, internet-savvy world of online dating in the fabulous 21st Century. You really should get a towel because soon enough you'll be done drowning in your sorrows. So, what are you waiting for? Let's get started.

CRUCIAL STEP: PICKING A PROFILE TO READ
Obviously, you have to read a profile to respond to the poster. You're not a mindreader, are you? Are you? 7. Damn! Okay, if you're a mindreader, please skip this section and refer to "MINDREADER LOVING" further in this document. Anyway, there are a few ways to describe the attention-grabbing subject lines of male AdultFriendFinder profiles.

MR. TOO SPECIFIC
These are the types of gents who firmly believe in fate. The odds are definitely against these hopeful rapscallions.
Examples:
LET'S GET DRUNK AND WATCH MATLOCK
SWM ISO MATURE LADY TO ESCORT TO SLAYER CONCERT
SINGLE DAD SEEKS TALL FRENCH GIRL WHO LIKES TENNIS/ENDOCRINOLOGY
Unless your name is Phyllis, Priscilla, or Babette, these headlines probably won't do you much good.

MR. NOT SPECIFIC ENOUGH
These fellows are descendants of the mighty god, Trident. They carry large nets to catch large schools of fish, but chances are that you're not gonna be all that interested in their seafood menu.
Examples:
A GUY FOR A GAL
LET'S SEE A JULIA ROBERTS MOVIE AND THEN GO TO THE BEACH
I HAVE A PENIS. YOU HAVE A VAGINA. {VAGINA OPTIONAL}
I haven't seen anybody this general since Patton. If you think he's clever now, wait'll you see him in the sack. He'll probably be calling out your first name, middle name, last name, Confirmation name, address, driver's license number.

JOHNNY LIBIDO
I guess "coming on strong" is a dangerous way to describe this class of male because if he ever heard that phrase coined, he'd most likely follow suit. If you're looking for some kind of a gentleman (and I'm not talking about Richard Gere-like), you'll probably skip over these headlines faster than a nun in a dildo shoppe.
Examples:
SEX NICE GUY SEX MAKE YOU CUM SEX HOT BABE SEX LAWN CHAIRS SEX
I WANNA PEE ON YOUR POOP!
I'VE GOT BIG RED FOR YOUR JUICY FRUIT. DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE?
These boys aren't into professional croquet, sanitation, or chewing gum. They're after one thing, and one thing only. And I didn't say multiple things. I said ONE thing. Most likely, you're gonna pass over these oddballs because you realize that they have more issues than Larry Flynt.

JOHNNY "SUSTAINED" LIBIDO
This variety of male may be even more dangerous than JOHNNY LIBIDO because at least JOHNNY LIBIDO tells the truth. This hybrid breed pretends that he jerks off to Martha Stewart Living magazine and not to Maxim or Jaye Davidson during the first part of "The Crying Game" like the rest of us.
Examples:
I WANNA GET MY CUDDLE ON
I'D LOVE TO GET TO KNOW YOUR BEST FRIENDS
ENYA IS AWESOME
Remember that time Geraldo did that live special where he was supposed to unearth Jimmy Hoffa? Well, the motives of JOHNNY "SUSTAINED" LIBIDO are even more hidden than the "late" Teamster's body. He might be coy at first, but once you let him inside, he'll magically forget your cell phone number. And you thought David Copperfield was a fake.

SIR "LAUGHS" A LOT
Call him W.C. Fields or Andrew Dice Clay, this yuckster has his sights set on a sneak attack on your funny bone, Pearl Harbor-style (without all the senseless human casualties and Alec Baldwin). As the Chiffons once sang, "Du lang, du lang, du lang."
Examples:
WANNA VISIT MY FARM FOR THE WEEKEND AND PLAY WITH MY COCK?
URANUS OR MINE? I'LL LET YOU PLANET.
I USED TO BE A BACKSTREET BOY UNTIL THEY KICKED ME OUT FOR BEING TOO SEXY
Not since Yahkov Smirnov's "what a country" shtick delighted literally hundreds in the 1980s has such a rich gimmick succeeded so well in America. Ralph Kramden started it by joking about domestic abuse in the 1920s, in the era of bellbottoms and civil war, but courting through humor certainly stands true even today. Even if he's excavating old bits, that "wild n' crazy guy" knows enough good humor to run an ice cream empire, and therefore, will get his posting read, even if by farm he means "apartment" and by cock he means "khaki spaniel".

MR. RIGHT...TO THE POINT
This particular suitor doesn't rely on humor (or "humour" if he's a limey) to convey his wants, his needs, his flowers, or his beads. Instead, he's looking for his in loving compartmentalism.
Examples:
25 SWM LOOKING FOR HOTTIE FOR DANCING, MOVIES, HIKING, FUN IN GENERAL
30 Y.O. SAM SEARCHING FOR BOOK-LOVING, FAMILY-ORIENTED SAF
17 YEAR$ OLD, MALE, WANT$ TO TAKE AN OLD $LUT (18-20 YR OLD) TO PROM
Whether he's into doing whippets and watching documentaries on the world famous Mt. Tamalpais Dance Troupe, into the Bronte sisters, or thinks of age in terms of "Logan's Run", he's bound to find his match because he is the right combination of MR. SPECIFIC and MR. NOT TOO SPECIFIC, and apparently, girls are into dancing, hiking, film, and biking.

MR. SPELLING
No, I'm not talking about Aaron. I'm talking about the guy who was busy making a second layer of hand skin with Elmer's during English class.
Examples:
31 SWM INTERESTED IN LEARNING ABOUT TANTRUM SEX AND YODA
ANYONE GIRLS WANT TO CHAP WITH ME?
***26 YEAR-OLD HOTTIE-MOST GIRLS THINK I LOOK LIKE JOAN CUSACK***
If you've ever wanted a boyfriend whom you could easily school in Jeopardy!, by all means respond. Otherwise, you might have more luck finding good guys at Circuit City.

MR. MATH
Not the sharpest bowling ball in the alley, this "Good Will Huh?ing" probably only can be sure of one equation: 1/5 of JD + 1 COKE = 1 Fat Hangover.
Examples:
IT'S 2:50. WANT TO JOIN ME IN TWO AND A HALF HOURS?
MATURE 31 YEAR OLD SURFER SEEKS MATURE 18-21 YEAR OLD SURFER GIRL
SELL ME YOUR USED PANTIES! I'LL PAY 15 DOLLARS FOR ONE OR 40 FOR A PAIR
To top it off, this fellow will most likely be a day trader, which is just a shade more reliable than sports betting as a profession. But you might wanna let him take you to dinner at least once because it's not often a waitress gets a 35 % tip.

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Follow these guidelines closely for success in online dating using AdultFriendFinder.
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MINDREADER LOVING
I know you're thinking about me now. 12. You ARE good. What are you waiting for, my clairvoyant love? What's that? Your name is Claire Voyant? Hmmm, I must be somewhat of a mindreader too. Little Kreskin babies running all over the house? You read my mind. We can have the first telepathic wedding, where the priest says nothing, and then at the reception, instead of rice, everybody just thinks about Uncle Ben. Yeah, I know. If it's a girl, we'll call her Kreska.


rm_shaveclean2 56M/43F
691 posts
5/25/2006 9:16 pm

With sooooo many fine choices who should we choose!! LMAO...this was good!

g the female 1/2 of Shaveclean2


g


whats4dessert2 49M

5/25/2006 9:38 pm

WOW!!! I happened by this blog just before going to bed and found myself not only reading THIS post but reading for an hour.

This and a lot of your other posts had me in stitches (loved the Christopher Walken for Pres one)

I now have a new entry on my watched blogs list

Love the sense of humour.


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