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The 44th President of the United States
The 44th President of the United States
My first inclination upon learning about Christopher Walken’s intentions to run for President of the United States in 2008, was to make cowbell jokes. Come on…you know you did too. So I did.
But now it’s time to take this seriously, and to begin to examine the politics of Christopher Walken–What does the man stand for? What does he believe? Is he a Republican, a Democrat, or an ever-so-hard to pin down Independant?
But he only mentioned his thoughts on three topics: Campaign Finance, Military Funding, and Stem Cell Research.
After much searching and thoughtful research, I have found Christopher Walken’s positions on several more political issues–all of which should play a prominent role in his bid for the Presidency:
On the economy. "You babies are all gonna be wearin' gold-plated diapahs."
On sexual temptation in the White House. "Anyone wants to hold my dick, they buy me a drink first."
On the interrogations of terrorist detainees. "Sicilians are great liars. The best in the world. I'm a Sicilian. And my old man was the world heavyweight champion of Sicilian liars. And from growin' up with him I learned the pantomime. Now there are seventeen different things a guy can do when he lies to give him away. A guy has seventeen pantomimes. A woman's got twenty, but a guy's got seventeen. And if you know 'em like ya know your own face, they beat lie detectors to hell. "
On using harsher methods to extract information from terrorists. "That smarts, doesn't it? Getting slammed in the nose. Fucks you all up. You get that pain shootin' through your brain, your eyes fill up with water. That ain't any kind of fun, but what I have to offer you, that's as good as it's gonna get."
On the Highway and Energy Bills. "Can I confess something? I tell you this as an artist, I think you'll understand. Sometimes when I'm driving... on the road at night... I see two headlights coming toward me. Fast. I have this sudden impulse to turn the wheel quickly, head-on into the oncoming car. I can anticipate the explosion. The sound of shattering glass. The... flames rising out of the flowing gasoline."
On criminal law. "I was talking to my old friend Charlie Manson the other day, and he said to me: 'Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?'"
On defending his choice of running mate for Vice President. "Hey, You’re talking to my guy all wrong here. It’s the wrong tone. You better watch it, or I’ll stab you in the face with a soldering iron. Hey, does your mother sew? BOOM. Get her to sew that."
On Presidential Debates. "A number of times, the only thing that kept me out of a satin box was that I could size up the other guy maybe half a second quicker than he could me."
On Health Care. "I'm going to give you an opportunity: get out of this. Now. Before it gets so fucked up nobody could ever recover."
On the War on Drugs. "Talkin’ about a massacre. They snatched my narcotics, hightailed it outta there. Woulda got away with it, but your son, fuckhead that he is, left his driver’s license in a dead guy’s hand."
On the United States’ role as a World Power. "Power surplus? Bruce, shame on you. No such thing. One can never have too much power. If my life has a meaning, that’s demeaning."
On Religion. “Bless me“? Do you know what God did for me? He threw an 18-wheeled truck at me and bounced me into nowhere for five years! When I woke up, my girl was gone, my job was gone, my legs are just about useless… Blessed me? God’s been a real sport to me!"
On Supreme Court Nominations. "He’ll deliver more justice in a weekend than ten years of your courts and tribunals."
On the Possibility of Running Against John Edwards. " Well, the guy wants to run for president, he thinks Moby Dick is a venereal disease."
On Crime and Punishment. "You know what you get for ? Ten years in a cell! With a gorilla! With a PSYCHO gorilla!"
On Running as a Democrat, Even Though he has no Experience. "If you’re the best they’ve got, they’re more likely try and cover up your embarrassing incompetence."
5/25/2006 9:17 am
How serious is his candidacy? Will there be any illegal aliens running?|
I'm thinking Hillary Clinton, John Edwards, John Kerry, Ted Kennedy, William Jefferson and Cynthia McKinney will mount a run from the left. Is Vincente Fox in the mix too? He's been campaigning in our border states!
But who from the right? Jeb Bush? Newt Gingrich? Shawn Hannity? Rush Limbaugh? Michael Savage? I kinda like Gen. Tommy Frank myself! Now, he's a real man's man!
People with low popularity that will probably not make a run on either ticket: Barry Bonds, Ken Lay, Jeff Skilling and Dick Cheney.