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Take My Advice: Last Exit Before Asshats Fail the Course
Take My Advice: Last Exit Before Asshats Fail the Course
First off, let me just say, I’ve been reading through male profiles for several weeks now because I find them wildly amusing. Many of my female friends do this as well, and we get a big kick out of some of the things you asshats post!
Here’s the problem: I don’t think most of you are *intentionally* trying to be funny ‒ and that’s just ... err ... freakish.
So, rather than sitting back in the privacy of my home, mocking you and passing judgment, I figure it’s time I put my money where my mouth is and dispense a little “tough love.” Take my advice, or don’t, it doesn’t matter to me either way. In fact, I almost hope you don’t, just because I’d hate for my hilarious leisure reading to evaporate!
Okay, so let’s do this in numbered format, keeping the readability high and the requirement for complex understanding low:
1. Get a woman to proof-read your post. Better yet, get a few! I can’t for a moment believe that ANY woman would let most of these posts get through unedited. Even if you don’t have any women friends, ask your mother or sister, or even the nice folks in the Women’s Forum right here on AdultFriendFinder. This ALONE would drastically change the appearance of the average male profile.
2. Include a picture ‒ no exceptions. Look, if you’re not comfortable putting up your picture, it can only be for one of two reasons: Maybe you’re ashamed of the way you look, in which case you’ve got to accept that these women are eventually going to have to see you! Otherwise, what’s the point? It’s this, or I suspect you like your anonymity. I can understand and respect that, but then you probably shouldn’t be posting an AdultFriendFinder profile, should you? Either way, don’t be ashamed! Just put it out there and see what happens. If some woman passes you up because she doesn’t like the way you look, then you weren’t going to have a relationship with that person anyway! And if your friends or co-workers see your post and laugh at you, well then the joke is on them, because they were LOOKING!
3. Don’t say you’re looking to meet someone “attractive” or refer to yourself as such. OF COURSE you want to meet someone you’re attracted to, it’s a given. Have you ever seen someone post that they’re looking for someone ugly? As for calling yourself attractive, let the people who get a look at you decide. No matter what you look like some people will find you attractive and some won’t. If you think you’re attractive, great! But there’s really no need to state it like it’s a fact, since it’s not.
4. Learn to use euphemisms. Okay, so you don’t like girls who have a freaking ounce of fat on their bodies, whatever, you’re entitled to your taste. But there are *decent* ways to say this! For example, you might say something like, “I am looking to meet a woman who is active and enjoys the outdoors.” Or you could even go so far as to say that you love working out and you’d like to meet a woman who does too. Things like this imply that you’re looking for someone in good physical shape, without making you sound like a superficial asshat.
5. So you like some freaky, kinky, weird shit in the bedroom. You like to play “daddy” and have your woman tie you up with dental floss. Hey! That’s great! I’m proud of you for being so in touch with your inner freak and I wish more people were too! But look, seriously, you’ve got to SAVE THAT FOR LATER! I mean, wait until the poor girls get a chance to see what a sweet and normal guy you are before you drop the ball-gag bomb on them, okay? People will be surprisingly open to things like letting you model in their thong underwear, or whatever you’re into, once they feel *comfortable* around you. Give it time. If you insist on bringing this to the forefront immediately, because it’s just that freaking important to you, try the Group section of the site.
6. You like chicks with big boobs. When I read crap like that in posts it annoys the hell out of me. It’s just so damn frustrating, even more so than the guys who insist on only looking for rail-thin emaciated girls or Asian women (What’s up with that, by the way? Don’t be so damn prejudiced, you’re really missing out in terms of diversity!). Look, you like big knockers, you and 99.9999% of all heterosexual men, okay??? Trust me, women know this! But if you kick a girl aside because her mammary glands aren’t fat enough, then you’re just an asshat, plain and simple. I mean, let’s not kid each other, do you have a ten-inch dick? No, you don’t, but women still put up with your ass anyway! This segues beautifully into the next topic:
7. Do not, I repeat: DO NOT tell these women how you’re going to make them cum. It’s idiotic, at best, and it comes across as entirely crude and offensive! Seriously folks, save that shit for L-A-T-E-R! You know, aside from the fact that talking about how much you love giving head or your methods for making a woman have 72 orgasms in a single evening is sleazy, talk is cheap! Sure, women like orgasms, why wouldn’t they? And if you’re a clumsy idiot in the bedroom, it’s a very patient woman indeed who’s going to take the time to teach you. But look, if it ever even gets to that point, THEN you show this lovely new lady friend what a sex-machine-man-stud you are, okay? They don’t want to read about it, trust me! And if you’re just trying to be funny, you’d be much better off quoting Groucho Marx than going there. No joke.
8. Do not, ever, under any circumstances, quote Groucho Marx.
9. Try to tell a little something about yourself without bragging! (You, yeah you! Guy who constantly posts a picture of himself leaning against a stupid Ferrari and wearing loafers with no socks ‒ that counts as bragging, buddy!) Just be honest. Do you like the outdoors? Do you have any interesting hobbies that you could share with another person? Maybe you watch a lot of television, and you want someone you can discuss your favorite shows with… Most importantly, just be open and honest! Women dig that shit… Weird, huh?
10. If you are any of the following:
- Currently/chronically unemployed (unless you are independently wealthy).
- Living with your mother past college age.
- An alcoholic or hardcore drug addict.
- An avid Yanni fan.
- A fat disgusting slob who eats fast food for every meal, and your ass is fused to the slowly bending chair (from inertia) in front of the computer.
Then you have no business posting a profile here! Really, I understand that everyone wants to experience the glorious warm fuzzy gooey feelings of love, but get your shit together first! Do NOT sucker some poor girl with a save-a-jackass complex into your twisted web of idiocy ‒ it’s just plain mean.
Okay, so this covers everything I can think of off the top of my head. Anything I’ve forgotten should be filtered out by simply following rule number one.
One final note to remember: You should not ask for anything in another person that you do not offer yourself. If you want a woman who is in excellent shape physically, then you’d better be hitting the gym regularly too! This applies to nearly every quality you seek in another person. There’s nothing more annoying than a hypocrite, so don’t be one.
Guys, if you’re decent, then there really *is* a nice lady out there just for you, I promise. She’ll even put up with all of your lame and irritable traits because overall she’ll think you’re sweet and cute. You’d be amazed at how many beautiful, charming and brilliant women are single, and nearly all complain about how hard it is to find decent available men… It’s appalling, too, because many of them don’t even really ask for that much.
Heck, quit bitching already.
6/1/2006 8:43 am
I am feeling so intimidated. I am sure my profile does not measure up to your high standards. I am so depressed and currently feeling so worthless that I think I will go jump off the bridge into the Mississippi River.
I have checked my profile and I have done everything wrong, to wit:
1. I didn't have a woman proof-read my profile. Hell, Dear Abby, that's the whole friggin' problem. I don't even know any women folk to ask.
2. I did do one thing right. I posted a picture. But, I am not getting any takers. I guess they are looking for more of the Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise type. My plastic surgery and lipo suction procedures are scheduled to commence next month, provided I don't take that jump previously mentioned.
3. Thanks for this tip especially! I figure no one is putting in their profile that they want to meet an ugly woman, so I'm gonna go after that target market. I figure I'll have more success with them than the attractive women! If I can get a few dates with some ugly women, that may help to boost my confidence and keep me from jumping from the bridge.
4. What do you think of this euphemism, Dear Abby? "I am looking for a lady who is active, loves the outdoors, has starred in a porno flick or two and likes to suck on lolipops." Would that make a good statement for my profile, Ms. Abby?
5. Another good tip! I will try this statement: "I do not personally like freaky, kinky perverted sexual stuff myself, but if you happen to be into BDSM stuff such as nipple-torture, cock-torture, bondage, flogging and other things like that, I will not hold it against you if you take me to your dungeon on our first date."
6. On this one, I must confess to having a slight boob fetish. Now, how did you know this about me, Dear Abby? I will tone it down and tell them: "I am not interested in your boobs. I am more interested in your ass and your pussy." That oughta throw them off, I figure!
7. Now, Dear Abby, this one completely threw me for a loop! I thought the modern-day woman appreciated her orgasms. Well, there ya' go! It just goes to show how us men can misperceive things! I will change my profile statement to read "I really don't care if you wanna cum or not. If you do want to, you'll just have to wait. You'll just have to ask permission to cum on maybe our 15th date. I'll see what I can do for you at that time."
8. Good, I never quote Groucho Marx anyway! I am quite political in nature though. Is it OK if I bash Karl Marx, quote Rush Limbaugh and go on about politics over candlelight dinner?
9. Great feminine insight here! That is why my profile pic has been changed. I used to have one of me down at the yacht club in front of my 120' Hatteras motor yacht, my two stretch limos, my Jaguar roadster and six of my female friends in their bikinis. Now, I understand why I only received occasional emails from life insurance salesmen and stock brokers!
10. Some additional very valuable insight here, Dear Abby! I have posted in my blog and other comments left around this site about my considerable penchant for Macallan scotch and Tanqueray gin. I can see now how this is not doing me one bit of good with the ladies! Some of the good ol' boys do wanna drink with me however. It's been fun getting to know them at the sports bars!
Well, that's it! Just a heartfelt thanks for all your help! I will let you know how I do after making all these adjustments to my profile!
6/2/2006 1:24 am
Who the fuck is Yanni? Oh... and Jees, stop being so fucking hard on everyone that doesn't meet your standards of non-asshat. Seems to me that you are highly judgemental. Me hell... I'm not asking for much either. Just a big titted millionaire nymphomaniac that worships me. oh... and she has to like ice cream.|
6/2/2006 7:33 pm
Don't get me too wrong. I agree with quite a bit of what you say. It just seems that you like to kick a person in the nads when they're already laid out with a broken jaw. All I'm asking is what good purpose does your assault of everyone serve? Do they actually do anything differently? Or does it just prop you up in your universe? Anyway, it's just my two-cents... and I'm definitely nobody special from a flea infested two horse town in Oklahoma. |
And you could always say "why do you read it if you don't like it?" Like I said, there is a lot of truth in what you say and you make me look at some of the stupid shit I do everyday. I'd just like to hear about some of your own "oh shit" moments. You could not have risen as high as you have without tripping on a couple of stairs.