I Want an Asshat!  

sfvppl818 50M/50F
486 posts
5/24/2006 9:35 pm
I Want an Asshat!

Actually, I don't. But I don't want a nice guy either. I want what all women want: an impossible ideal.

Late last night, one of my friends responded to a personal ad about not being the nice guy anymore. Not telling his female friends what to wear on dates, not listening to them bitch about their boyfriends, not taking anymore crap. I know that his decision to do so was based somewhat on a prior run in with women who create asshat fetishes. However, he would have missed the point even if we told him.

I wasn't saying that women want asshats, because there are very few that would actually cop to that. I'm sure that there are women out there that desire to be with a complete jerk, but the overwhelming majority of us are not big fans of being intentionally treated like shit. We want to be loved, respected and cherished and we crave to feel like we are the most important thing in our man's life.

Does this mean that we want the nice guy then? Nope. Sadly, nice guys are right when they complain that women overlook them or reject them for doing the right things, the honourable things. Nice guys shower us with attention, tell us how beautiful we are, send us e-mails "just because," give us roses on any day for no reason, and never give us any fucking room to breathe! It's rather ungrateful on a woman's part to complain about getting loving attention from their man, I know. But Mr Nice Guy? When you make us the complete center of your world, you come off as needy. And guess what. Needy translates into creepy. And creepy makes us reject you or outright ignore you.

By now I bet you're wondering if there's any happy medium in a woman's eyes. I've been thinking about it since last night, when I read my friend's response. The conclusion that I've come to is that women want something that they'll never get. An impossible ideal. A guy who won't cheat, lie or dismiss her, but a guy who won't smother her with attention either. A guy who'll tell her where he's going before he does, but never asks the same from her. A guy who showers her with attention when she's in the mood for it, and keeps a good fucking distance from her when she's not. How will he be able to determine when those moods are occurring? He'll just know.

We want you to give us gifts based on our interests, which means that we want you to pay attention when we're talking. We will never tell you outright what it is that we want, because, if you're our guy, you'll know. We want you to call us when you're out with your guy friends, just to tell us that you miss us, and let us tell you to "have fun." We want you to not call us when we're out with our girlfriends, because that's our personal time, and you understand that.

When we complain that we look fat, we prefer that you throw us down on the bed and kiss us passionately rather than meekly argue that we look good to you. We'd rather you express how beautiful you think we are by showing physical affection than say the same damn words that we could hear from our moms. Yeah, yeah, we're beautiful to you. Show us, don't tell us. If we catch you looking at another woman while we're out together, you should comment on how she looks good (we're not stupid, we know when another woman looks good, so don't pull any of that cheesy shit of how we look better) but narrow your eyes and say something like "But I don't like her mouth (or eyes, or chin or whatever). It's disproportionate."

We want you to be open to change, but never ask us to change for you. You will learn how to tango, take up yoga or ride a tandem bike with us and proclaim how fun it is, but will never, EVER ask us to learn how the points system in football works. You will wax your back if we think you should, but you will never suggest that we need to have any work done. You will admit your flaws readily and never point out any of ours.

You will never make us feel like you are hard to reach and you will never complain that we make no sense. You will be everything that pops into our head, and you will instantly intuit what that is.

You will be perfect. So, essentially, you will never exist.

We don't want an asshat ... typically. We don't want a nice guy. We don't want to settle ... but we will. If we love you, we will. So allow us our moments of unhappiness. Allow us our rants. Allow us our irrationality. If you love us, you'll settle as well.


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