I Learned Everything I Needed to Know From Mr. Haney on Green Acres  

sfvppl818 50M/50F
486 posts
6/11/2006 11:59 am

Last Read:
6/12/2006 1:08 am

I Learned Everything I Needed to Know From Mr. Haney on Green Acres

Alternately referred to as Eustace or Charlton, and supposedly married (although Mrs. Haney never makes an appearance on the show), Mr. Haney is the sweaty, conniving, opportunistic embodiment of capitalism in bucolic Hooterville. Cracked of voice and ethics, Haney never misses an opportunity to make a buck or exploit a relationship. A true huckster, he always has a trick up his sleeve or some snake oil to sell you. Some of his more notorious wares include: The Haney Egg-Layin' Inducing Machine; a college "diplomer" which bestows upon the holder a Ph.D from Stankwell Falls University; and a "gen-u-wine Cooper Cow-Coaxer" milking machine, which is "guaranteed to persuade milk out of the most bashful cow."

You want more ways to charm the shit out of people and get loads of stuff for free? Here are ten ways, based on the many classes I took at SFU, in the College of Canwe, Fleecem and Howe:

Pretend to be a Healer, a Psychic or have Healing Stones or some power. People love to think you’ve got some amazing power, like a super hero, and will trade just about anything for it. Of course if you really had such a power you wouldn’t be wasting your time trading it for a massage or a place to live, you’d be on the cover of Time magazine, but most people are dumb. They’ll believe anything.

Wait until the very last minute to try and get rent money. If you have to pay your rent but have no money, wait until the end of the month to ask for it. Even though you know at the beginning of the month you probably won’t have it, waiting until the very end will pull on people’s heart strings. No, they won’t think you’re irresponsible! They’ll think of you as a lovable lug in desperate need of rent money. You’ll probably end up with more money than you can handle.

Claim you make a lot of money for your services. Pretend you make $200 a session for a massage or $450 an hour for web-work or $250 an hour for magical healing. People will be very impressed that you can demand so much for your services, they will be amazed that you’d be willing to trade those services with them. Of course, if you actually made those amounts, you wouldn’t have to make the trades, but people are dumb, they won’t realize it. The sky’s the limit as to what you can claim, so don’t be afraid. Think off all the stuff you can get when you claim you make $1000 an hour for naked lawn mowing!

Get a nice apartment or house for practically nothing. There are tons of landlords and people in LA who have a spare house or apartment or even a master bedroom they’d be willing to trade for someone to fix their website, walk their dogs or walk around their house in a Speedo. You’d be surprised at how easy it is to get a great place for doing nothing. Remember: people are dumb. They don’t know that fixing a website isn’t worth a $1000 a month or walking dogs isn’t worth giving up their guest house. Think of all the stupid people in this town who work for a living and pay rent! The suckers!

Post your offer as much as you can. Post it every day on any number of websites or classified ads, three or four times a day if you can. This will not annoy anyone; in fact, it will show everyone how serious you are. People love to see someone with determination and the fact that you spend all your time reposting your offer will impress people, not irritate them.

Massages, massages, massages Massages are very, very hard to come by. Offering massages can get you practically anything. A new car, house, computer, camera…you name it! And if you want to get even more stuff, mention you normally make $175 an hour for massages, even if you don’t have a license!

Always trade in your favor. Need a new computer? How about trading those unused flares in your trunk? Need a digital camera? What about that unused can of spam in the back of your cupboard? How about a new car? Offer your services of organizing papers! Remember, people are stupid. They will have no idea that you’re getting the better deal. It’s an online staple, in fact: trade crap for something great!

People want sex! If you’re a lonely 35 year old carpet layer or plumber and still can’t get a girlfriend, always remember there are plenty of hot women in LA who need a new carpet in their bedroom and are more than willing to trade sex for it. Or maybe the bathroom sink won’t stop dripping. Most women will gladly give themselves up for someone to come fix it. Why waste money on a legit plumber or carpet person when they can have some total stranger who offers sex as payment? Okay now, before you get so offended or succumb to vile outrage ... reality check ... you read this where? On AdultFriendFinder? Oh okay, thanks for the feedback, Sporto! Now tell me that story again about organized religion and how preachers just ask for money on TV - and they actually get paid tax-free? Bleeping brilliant!

Nudity goes a long way. If you want something, just get naked! You can get anything. Need a $600 plane ticket? Just dance naked for three hours for someone! They won’t get bored! Who wouldn’t want to sit for three hours and watch a naked girl dance? Maybe you’re a 40 year old loser with a small winky-woo who likes to sunbathe in the backyard! Just offer that service! Maybe you just like to be naked period! You can get a house, a car…hey, the sky’s the limit when you like to be naked! Everyone wants to have a strange naked person in their house and will give up thousands of dollars worth of stuff for the privilege.

A complete lack of spelling and grammar will help you get more offers. Write like a third grader! People love it when they have to read your offer numerous times to try and decipher what you’re looking for! It’s even better if you’re trading “writing services!” Remember, the stupider you appear, the more offers you’ll get! People love to gamble on a "sure thing." *wink*

earthShiva 59M

6/11/2006 6:37 pm

Ha! I can't believe I'm the first commenter on this entry! Everyone else must be hiding.

And to think you said I was misunderstood! At leest I can spell.

earthShiva 59M

6/11/2006 7:22 pm

You missed two other primo opps:

1) Workshops
2) Pimping out other people's talent.

I'm putting together the pamphlets and your tour schedule. Get to work on the syllabus.

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