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Did I ASK For a Picture Of Your Penis?
Did I ASK For a Picture Of Your Penis?
Recently, I posted in one of the AdultFriendFinder fellatio groups. I was a virgin poster - didn't know what to expect - kinda figured on some lunatics, maybe some idiots, thought a few Really Nice Guys might answer - but wanted to share what happened. This may entertain you - or not - but worth finding out of this is typical...
It should be noted that I was *really* specific in some areas (height, weight, intelligence, sense of humor, financial stability, etc.) Didn't mention sex, but that's assumed, right? Didn't mention that I enjoy sex, but am NOT into bizarre. Was I supposed to? Went into detail about my occupation and personality. Figured intelligent guys could extrapolate...
This is what I got:
126 Responses in 3 days, as follows (aggregate count exceeds total due to multiple offenses in some cases)
-14 Sexual Predators who want to whip/spank me and/or tie me up and/or pee (or whatever) on my face and/or would like to wear (or would like me to wear) (a variety of) unusual clothing/shoes/adornments/hats/uniforms/chains/ropes/body paint/duct tape etc.
Group "S" - Subgroup "OMG"
-2 Self-styled "Gourmets" who suggested my diet for the 48 (or 72) hours before our first date so that my - um - feces would be "tastier" ? Oh, my God!
-7 who forwarded photos of their penises, 3 pierced & ringed, 1 studded, one wearing Mickey Mouse ears (the penis -not the man)
-1 who sent a photo of his tongue (or someone's tongue), studded like a Christmas Clove Ball
-41 Men sent photos of their possessions - cars, trucks, houses, swimming pools/jacuzzis, golf clubs, skis, boats, antiques, train sets, coin collections, horses, dogs, cats, rabbits, and a wolf. (and a partridge in a pear tree)
-16 began their messages with "I am probably too short, but..."
-26 began their messages with "I am probably too fat, but..."
-4 began their messages with "I am probably too old, but..."
Other Replies: I am probably too..." or "my [whatver ] is/are too..."
1 feet too big
3 penis too big
4 penis too small
5 nose too big
3 "Form Letter" responses describing unhappy marriages, unhappy financial situations, bad employers, physical/mental disabilities
15 general responses decribing same
The following verbatim comments didn't really fit into any group:
"You probably hate n****rs, huh?"
(Why on earth would you say that? Or even think it?)
"I am ever [sic ] womens [sic ] dreem [sic ]"
(I'll just bet you are, and you speel grate, too!}
"I don't speak English at all, so a friend translated this for me"
(Yeah? And we'll communicate with - um - what? Nautical flags?)
"Would you mind that I have a small heroin habit?"
(Oh, My God...)
"You can find me on the Megan's Law website, but I was framed! The bitch gave her sister one of my used condoms. It's a really good picture of me, though."
(Uh, huh - and this 14-year-old beat herself up, too, I suppose...)
"I'm writing for a friend who is serving a Life Sentence. This is his address if you would like to write to him."
(Well, actually, I'm looking for a different sort of LTR...)
"I like my meat red, my beer cold, and my women on their knees..."
(Wow! And how do you like your cattle prods?")
"You BITCHES think you can just specal [sic ] order a guy like a pizza with sausage,weel [sic ], let me, tell you! You SUK! I have more ladies BEGGING for my DIK [sic ] that [sic ] I can count!!"
(And you're hanging out on AdultFriendFinder because...?)
"...I hate to waste time telling you all about me. Email your address and I'll pick you up at 8 in my Corvette."
(Oh, sure. It's the low brick building right across from the library on Olive in Burbank...)
"I knew you were my SOULMATE right away! I have been looking for my SOULMATE ever since my wife left me or a f***in' Jewish Drummer! Anyway, I was prepared to offer you all my worldly possessions and then I read the you SMOKE! You BITCH! If you quit smoking RIGHT NOW I'm still prepared to make the offer."
(You know, for the right guy, I'll quit smoking, grow out my hair, gain/lose weight - anything short of surgery. It would be little enough to do for the guy I love, expecially if he'd consider making some changes if I asked. Unfortunately, you are not he. Oh - did I mention that my grandmother was Jewish?"
"I am not a man - I am a woman - and you didn't say you were gay, but you sound like you might be, so if your [sic ] interested, please call me. My number is ..."
"Hi! I am a woman having trouble getting decent guys to respond to my postings. I like yours. Could you forward me any guys you're not interested in? Thanks!"
"I'm a Vegan, so you would have to give up meat"
(I have friends in Vegas. They eat meat)
"No - NO - Vegan - VEGAN!! That means I eat only VEGETABLES! Are you stupid or what?"
(Yup - that's me - dumber'n dirt...rofl)
"Golf is my whole life"
(It's good to have a hobby you enjoy. I've never played golf)
"You've never played Golf? You've NEVER played GOLF??!! Where did you grow up - in the Appalakans [sic ]?
"I don't quite have a sixpack. Actually, I only have one ab, and it kinda hangs over my belt..."
You know, though - all things considered, most of the responses were sincere, and friendly, and - for one reason or another - just didn't click. Some were sad.
I do have some suggestions for the men:
-If you send picture of your material sh*t, you're going to attract blowflies
-It's best to be honest. Those of you who were up front with your kinky needs or obsessions gave me the opportunity to say "No, thanks." I appreciate that.
-Forward a picture right at the start. Not a picture of your penis, though, okay?
5/11/2006 3:56 am
It's really hard to believe that you don't make this stuff up... but on some level I know it's all so true, sad but true.
Thanks for sharing... Have you ever shared the ones that won you over, or at least got you to bump up your underwear choice for the day?
PS: Can you forward my name to that one chick? LMFAO again!
5/12/2006 1:56 pm
Absolutely hilarious you had me ROFL MAO.|