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Categories of Underwear - A Diatribe
Categories of Underwear - A Diatribe
Generally speaking, one of the easiest choices a woman makes during the course of her day is the choice of what underwear she should don. It's a choice that many women make in the morning (or whenever it is that she gets up to start her day) with a minimum of thought. I think that the only choice that is less complex is the choice of socks, but that could just be me (since I am, as it has been noted many times, quite addicted to white cotton socks and will happily wear them every day).
Now granted, women have a number of different categories of underwear, but since we know our own personal stash so well, it takes a mere glance before we can decide which ones are right for the day. Men, if you've ever had a fantasy about poking about in a woman's underwear drawer, I am sad to tell you that unless your woman is incredibly rare or she only puts "the good stuff" in the bureau, you'll probably be less turned on and rather surprised by what you'll find. Hell, even Victoria's Secret makes plain cotton undies.
Generally, it falls into five groups, as follows:
Laundry Day Underwear: These are the cottons, the fadeds, the ones with bits of popped elastic and perhaps a bit of droop, a tear, or simply falling apart. They're stained, and generally not with skidnarks. With the vagina being much like a self-cleaning oven, we generally have to deal with a bit of discharge over the course of the day. It doesn't tend to be a LOT, but it's, y'know, one of those things. (When the discharge changes dramatically or gets out of hand, we see a vagina doctor.) Some times of the month, we get a bit more alkaline than others, and this can sometimes cause a bleaching effect on coloured fabrics. When there's nothing else clean, and we're just doing laundry for heaven's sake, not anything good, these are the ones many will choose to wear. Besides, they're broken in and comfortable. Much like that pair of boxer shorts you have that are only held together by a string and a prayer, because you've had them since your sophomore year of high school and you just never think to throw them away.
Period Underwear: Self-explanatory, really. These are the onnes that are not quite in the state of disrepair and sadness that the LDUs are, but they're generally cotton, have a full-coverage crotch panel (for those pads or liners), and aren't really anything that one would wish to be *seen* in, but they're not there for fashion. They're more utilitarian, and we don't mind if they get the odd bit of blood on them because who's going to see?
Silly underwear: My Superthong is a great case in point. I love them, but I didn't buy them because of practicality or sex appeal. I bought them because they amused me. Same with the Sesame Street ones, same with the Hello Kitty ones. They're a little secret under my clothes. "Hee hee...you're an asshole, and you'll never know that I have on the SILLIEST PANTIES on right now!!!" The world can treat you like shit, but the next time you go to visit the tinkle chamber, the skivvies you chose that day will probably put at least a smirk on your face.
Nice Underwear: Not necessarily sexy underwear by any means, but sometimes a nice fabric (though a newish pair of the cotton standbys will do), a decent cut, and no stains or tears. This is underwear that we put on when we go to see the vagina doctor, or sometimes the other doctor if we know that we're going to have to strip down and wear one of those paper gowns. The type of thing that we hope to god we're wearing if we get into a car accident or something (god forbid) and the EMT is hot. The kind of thing we wear if we happen to get stuck going shopping with Mom and she insists on being in the dressing room WITH us (my mom doesn't, but yours might).
Date/Sexy Underwear: Sometimes impractical, this is the Good Stuff. The Big Guns. The Secret Weapon in our arsenal. Post-date, after a woman has invited a man in, she will sometimes say, "Let me go slip into something more comfortable." It's cheesy, yeah, but providing that that "something more comfortable" isn't a coma, she's probably getting into the Date Underwear. It doesn't mean that it's necessarily more comfortable, it just means that she fully plans on not having to wear it for more than, say, half an hour. Of course, sometimes she will wear the Date Underwear for the entire date.
It's helpful to men to know that not all women wear thongs, despite the beer commercials. Many women find them just completely uncomfortable, and prefer the full-coverage bottom. I was once that girl, I admit. However, I am no longer that girl. You see, the main argument I hear is, "I hate feeling something being shoved in my butt like that all day long." Understandable, entirely. However, the correct size thong or g-string will actually be more comfortable (generally speaking, your mileage may vary) than a full-coverage for a simple reason: The thong and g-string are designed to go up there, and the full-coverage just tends to wander there. Me, I'd rather have a string or a bit of fabric a qaurter-inch wide up there than the half a freakin' yard of fabric that climbs up there with regular panties. I know I'm not the only girl who gets Hungry Butt Syndrome, but I'd rather feed mine small snacks than large meals. Now, I know of one man in my past who watched me walk away from the bed (after pulling on a pair of panties) and tug half of it out of my ass. He actually said, "Oh my god, that's so hot. Do that again!" I never knew that picking a wedgie was a sexy thing to watch, because it usually just cracks me up, but there you have it. I'll stick with the thongs if I'm going to be having naked company.
So what does this all mean? Well, once we start involving other people into our underwear choices, they become a bit more difficult. They take a little longer. We have to gauge just whether or not we want a person to glimpse our scanties in the first place, and once we've decided that we do, we have to figure out just what kind of message we want to send.
It would be good to note at this point that blind dates rarely rank anything better than Nice Underwear, but I tend to go for Silly, just in case.
You see, your underwear sends a message. Not only to the masses who may or may not see it (thanks to low-rise jeans, high-rise skirts, ill-fitting clothing of all types, and VPLs), but to the wearer as well. It's why we choose the ones we do when we put on our clothes and venture out into our day. Maybe we're having a doctor appointment. Maybe we're having lunch with a person we think we'd like to have sex with and a pair of lovely frillies will help us be better flirts and put us in the right state of mind. Perhaps we've had a really sexy dream and wish to continue that feeling throughout the day. Maybe we just don't care because we're running late, and we're lucky we've not put them on backwards or inside-out. Perhaps we're just having a shit morning and need a bit of an ego boost, which a nice pair of undies can provide.
There are many instances when strangers might see our underwear, intentional and non-intentional. The ones we'll concern ourselves with here, however, are the ones where we're dealing with a date.
Dates are chancy little things, aren't they? Unless you've already had at least one, or met someplace and already know that you definitely want to show off your underwear, it can be a tough choice to make. You don't really know how the evening is going to end up, and if it goes badly then there you are with a crappy date AND some really lovely lacy lingerie that you've probably got to hand-wash. Now I personally don't ever think that I'll be so breathtakingly rich that I'll be able to shop at La Perla for my lingerie on a regular basis. I'd be too frightened of anything happening to any undergarment that I paid that much damn money for, but there are those who go all out. Bless them.
So anyway, there's a damn lot of thought going into the underwear choice for a date. If it's sort of casual (mini-golf? Hot wings and beer?), NU's or SUs tend to be my bet. That way, if it does go well, at least they'll see that I've got a sense of humour or a tiny dab of class and if it doesn't, I don't have to get out the Woolite. If things go spectacularly bad and I'm wearing my Oscar The Grouch boy briefs, I'll make sure that a bit of the waistband shows at some point. In case he can't read (or thinks he's being cute) and decides to point them out and say, "What do your underwear say" or "What does that mean?", I'll happily tell him that they're my Oscar The Grouch undies, they say, "SCRAM" all round the waistband, and it generally means, "Nobody's welcome near my can." Of course, if I'm wearing my Cookie Monster boy briefs and all is going well, I can simply say, "Do you like cookies, little boy?" and bat my eyelashes coquettishly. From what I've been told, guys like that shit.
If it's a slightly more upscale date (a dinner involving cloth napkins that isn't at, say, Olive Garden), or I'm really really really sure that I'm getting naked with a person, I want to make sure that they know that I've planned for this and that I'm wearing this particular item of clothing just for them. I've chosen it carefully, it might even coordinate with my bra (though I myself am rarely quite that together), it's a flattering cut and a good colour, showing my nether regions to their best advantage. No hooker red for me, that horrible orangey-red that screams of CHEAP, because it does bad things to my skin tone and makes me look a bit sallow and blotchy. Nobody wants to see blotchy crotchy, now do they? White tends to be a bit virginal, or at least a tad startling (especially if you're wearing that scandalous outfit you've been saving for something good), sending the message that you're half naked, yes, but you're not a whore or anything. Lace is good, but make sure it's not that scratchy, awful lace that makes you squirm all through dinner. Angry, irritated skin is not sexy. Black is basic. Black g-string with a bit of lace? Winner. Every woman should have at least one of those in her arsenal, even if it's only worn on special occasions.
So most of the time, the underwear choice is a very simple one for us. However, an audience always throws something extra into the mix, and if we think we're going to have one, we tend to really consider which pair of underwear gets the outing on that particular day. Ulterior motives, you say? Nah. I just call it being prepared.
(Oh, and keeping a spare pair with you, in your glove box, coat pocket, or handbag will come in handy if you unexpectedly wind up spending the night at his place and you'd rather not wear the same ones home. But you know this already, you naughty little minky!)
5/10/2006 7:19 pm
Wow, you have really thought this through!|
And you are right, looking at my lingerie drawer(s) I have pretty much the same categories.
See this is why new relationships are expensive for girls. I don't know if anyone else does this, but I personally can't wear any lingerie for my new man if I wore it previously for someone else. It's like bad lingerie mojo or something. I don't want to be sitting on the couch with my sweetie drinking wine and suddenly have the realization that the hot outfit I'm wearing underneath my clothes was at some point previously laying on the hotel floor when I was in Mexico with someone else. It's just bad, and it skeeves me out. It's kinda like sexual re-gifting or something.
So when I break up with someone, all the lingerie I wore for the former guy goes in the garbage. It's a painful process; there have been some amazing, perfect sexy oufits I have only worn 5 or 6 times that end up getting thrown out, but I mourn and then more on. It's gotta be done. Out with the old, in the with new.
I like to look at my lingerie drawer now and know that everything I've worn for him, was bought with him in mind and lovingly cared for with Woolite knowing I'll wear it for him again. I'll be happy to see the day when the sexy things I bought for him have been worn so many times that the lace starts to come apart and the seed pearls and sequins fall off in the wash. That's always a good thing
5/11/2006 3:43 am
Welcome back, sfvppl. |
You have put a lot of thought into a lot of things, it would seem.
LIBlonde: I doubt sfvppl puts enough stock in any man to rebuild her lingerie drawer for each one. I suppose it's possible, but I can't hardly see it happening.