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Astrologically Challenged: For the Asshat In All of Us
Astrologically Challenged: For the Asshat In All of Us
So you liked it when I generalized my perception of certain male and female names, so I thought I'd hit you with a little astrological definition according to Me (well, and from my research into astrology... a lot of this was influenced by the books Love on a Rotten Day and Born on a Rotten Day by Hazel Dixon-Cooper). Hell, some of it was outright taken from her books ... I'm not that slick, you know?
These are mostly based on the people that have come in and out of my life so far, but for the most part, it's all in fun. Remember, if you combine your MBTI indentification with your astrological definition, you tend to get a very accurate representation of who you are. At least, I know it works in my case.
Aquarius - Might as well start with the best sign of the lot. Aquarians are lively and loud, constantly talking and moving, keeping the people around them on their toes. They also happen to be extremely flaky, forgetting things that matter little to them, even though they might mean a lot to someone close to them. It's not that they're inconsiderate, it's that the thought of someone other than themselves doesn't cross their minds (at times). Aquarians are drawn to the wild and the wacky, so you'll often see one trailing behind a love interest with green hair, tattoos and some "Save the (fill in the blank)" sign. Aquarians never know how to break up with someone and will often think that they're broken up simply by drifting apart. Sexually, Aquarians are some of the most creative and adventurous of all the signs. Aquarians love to socialize and have a ton of aquaintences, but actually few close friends. Love scares the fuck out of them.
Pisces - The fish is a suitable description for this sign, considering that fish are in constant motion and can never quite be nailed down. When caught, a fish is as good as dead. The Pisces is a lover, not a fighter, and will avoid conflict at any cost. They'll also love anyone that comes into their line of vision. They don't like to identify themselves as cheaters, but they will move on to the next lover without remembering that they already have a current one. The Pisces is a big daydreamer, and often is classified as the artist type (musician, poet, writer, painter, etc). They also have the ability to make you feel like you are the only person on the face of the Earth when they are trying to woo you. Pisces get most of their money by borrowing it from a friend but rarely pay back these loans.
Aries - The ram is the most hard-headed of the signs. Aries are self-centered and riddled with an ugly "me! me! me!" complex. If you ever try arguing with an Aries, be prepared to be yelled and screamed at, and if you ever prove them wrong, watch for the 2 year-old reaction of crossing their arms, pouting and declaring "AM NOT!" Aries are irrational, doing things without ever thinking them through. They are more reactionary than rational. Aries are also big time charmers and seducers, but they're more interested in the chase and being able to say that they won you over than actually claiming you as their prize. An Aries will be one of your most loyal friends as long as you satisfy their need for attention when in drama king/queen mode.
Taurus - The Taurus is the bull, and that's a suitable term for them. Bullheaded. Full of bullshit. Taurus is also the biggest hedoinist. They can never get enough food, alcohol, drugs, sex or anything else indulgent. They're emotional, but not intellectual creatures. It's almost impossible for them to see anything from anyone's perspective other than their own. The Taurus is full of shy charm, but are also jealous, possessive and obssesive. They can hold a grudge forever, and not silently, as they are the type that loves to bring up shit and throw it in your face, YEARS after it happened.
Gemini - The care-free sign. Geminis are fun, social-butterfly types, able to get along with anyone. Of course, this is because they're extremely crafty and, being the sign of the twins, can act very much the two-face. Geminis are the first people to be all up in your Kool-Aid, and they won't hesitate to gossip your personal matters to anyone who will listen. Geminis are the least faithful sign, mainly because they love getting as much attention as they possibly can from as many people as they possibly can. They're very charasmatic and could talk just about anyone out of their pants. Geminis are never satisfied with anything in their lives, whether in people or possessions and are always looking for the newest, biggest, best thing out there.
Cancer - The Crab is a perfect description of a Cancer. They're crabby, clingy and needy types. They LOVE to play the victim or martyr and have an extremely self-depricating sense of humour, bordering on the self-abusive. Cancer is by far the most emotional of all the signs. They're pathologically shy in public and detest conflict, taking personal offense at even the slightest sign of it, even when not directed at them. They can be very sweet, loving, caring and attentive, to the point of being stalkerish. A Cancer believes that being "devoted" means being bonded at the hip, and will throw tantrums if their lover (or even close friends) want to do something without them.
Leo - The lion... King of the Jungle. Leos expect to be treated like royalty. They're unbelievably self-centered and egotistical. Leos are loud, obnoxious know-it-alls who will nit-pick every last move that you make until you break down and admit that they're right just to get them off of your back. They're very creative in the workplace, and will usually apoint themselves as a team leader because they LOVE to be in charge. Leos think they're great lovers, but the creativity in their jobs and hobbies doesn't carry over into the bedroom. Leos love sex and are always ready for it, but they expect to be worshipped, so they'll put all of the pressure on you to perform for THEM. Nicest thing about a Leo is that they are constantly trying to impress, so they'll spend every last dime that they have to try and do that. Leos make for the best people to go drinking with, because at the end of the night, whether that bar tab is $20 or $200, a Leo will pick it up.
Virgo - Virgos are cold, calculating and manipulative. There isn't a "right" and a wrong way to do things in a Virgo's mind. There's a wrong way and then there's "their" way. Virgos are anal-retentive when it comes to detail, and will hover over you and bitch about everything you do, telling you how to do it the "right" (and hence "their") way. Virgos are very stable when it comes to relationships, and are very into monogamy, but are almost as emotionally clingy as a Cancer, without all the loving motions. Virgos can be accused of being too impartial, too cold and too reserved. They're not big fans of passionate sex and are more the types that will pencil in a night to fuck, from this hour to that hour. A Virgo knows exactly how to break a person down and get them to do their bidding, all with a single distainful shake of the head.
Libra - Libra is the sign of the scales. Think of the blindfolded woman holding the evenly balanced scales... yeah, that's NOT Libra. A Libra LOVES to judge, but only if it's a positive outcome in their favor. They love to hear themselves talk and are good at looking like they are listening, but don't be fooled... they're not. A Libra's idea of harmony is you totally agreeing with everything they say. They're funny, charming and charasmatic, oozing with charm. But they're also fickle, inconsistant, shallow and superficial. A Libra prefers beauty to substance. Libras also don't "do" angry. While they love to judge, they loathe arguing and will play the turtle when confronted with a possible conflict. They have a great give/take nature: You give, they take. They practically demand compliments and praise, but good luck getting them to return the favor.
Scorpio - The scorpion. Scorpios NEVER forgive, forget or let things go. Scorpios are suspicious hotheads who will not tolerate anyone being angry or suspicious of them. They view life in black & white and NEVER compromise. The best way to describe this sign's attitude is "all or nothing." You'll never meet anyone else that has a quicker changing mood than a Scorpio. Jealous, possessive and sarcastic, you don't try to "handle" a Scorpio, you either put up with their shit or you run like hell. They can talk for hours about total bullshit, but the minute that you ask them a direct, heartfelt question they're gone. Scorpios are actually aware of all of their personal flaws, the only problem is they're also extremely and unnecesarily proud of them. Scorpios are also the well-known sluts of the zodiac, willing to fuck anything with a pulse just for kicks.
Sagittarius - Sags are the most fun know-it-all's that you'll ever know. They have a great joker's nature, restless and forever seeking something new. When they do learn something new, they make it they personal mission to educate you about it, but neglect to consider that you might know something about it already and treat you in an almost condescending manner as they rattle off everything they know. Sags aren't subtle. Everything they do, they do big. Some of the most famous serial killers were Sagittarians. They love to tell outrageous stories and have an almost non-existant tolerance for boredom. They're loners who hate routine and loathe solitude because they don't feel complete without someone to look down on. Sags are the sign of the Archer, which is apt in describing their sex style... they're excellent in zoning in on whatever it will take to get their lovers off, no matter how varied that might be. It makes them a very open-minded and willing lover. Sags also tend to be the most accident prone and clumsy of all the signs.
Capricorn - The goat, Capricorns are stoic like their animal representation. They are notorious tight-wads, and not just when it comes to money, but also affection and attention for their romantic relationships. Caps get off more on having a successful job/income than they do a partner. They're painfully serious and not spontaneous. They can completely ignore their needs for emotional satisfaction. They are the most competetive of all the signs and absolutely hate losing anything, which will lead to them coming back for more and more until they either triumph or you surrender. This is their tactic for everything in life, from business to love. If you turn down a Capricorn, be prepared to be hounded as to the reason why and then be very awkwardly wooed as they strive to break you down. Remember that they never really want you, they just want to know that they "got" you. Capricorns are even worse than Virgos when it comes to sex and could possibly be the only sign in the zodiac that could live without it.
6/5/2006 6:23 pm
OMG... well u pretty much bashed EVERY sign, including your own! you DO realize that, right? LOL|
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