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11 Rules of Work Etiquette For My Idiot Boss
11 Rules of Work Etiquette For My Idiot Boss
Since clearly this hasn't been covered before, since you've never really had anyone working "underneath" you so to speak, but clearly there are a few issues of work etiquette that have escaped you, so I wish to address them now. Please listen carefully.
1. Do not sniff my food. I understand that you were curious as to what "smelled so good," and noticed that I was eating lunch. If you wish to ask me about my meal, or even inquire about my interest in cooking, that is fine. But do not, under any circumstances, grab my food and hold it within an inch of your cracked, runny nose, and haunt me with the image of god knows what sort of skin and snot particles floating onto my food. I eat lunch in the office because I'm way too poor to eat out on the salary you pay me. Unlike the rest of the staff, I am not morbidly obese. If you keep putting your face in my food, I won't eat it, and I will slowly wither away. That would be bad.
2. Do not get mad at me for things that happened before I started working here. I began in September. SEPTEMBER. August happens BEFORE SEPTEMBER. June and July happen even before August. If something was not not filed or processed properly in August, and I was not informed of it in SEPTEMBER, you cannot, under any circumstances, yell at me for not doing it in August. When I point this out, you cannot tell me to "stop being defensive."
3. I cannot read your mind. If I could read minds, I would not be working here. I would have my own little psychic counseling services office, or an elaborate blackmailing scheme, or I'd hide out near ATMs and find out people's pin numbers. Maybe I'd write a brilliant screenplay based on my real-life mind-reading antics. However, since I DO NOT have this skill, do not get mad at me when I do not know everything that you are thinking. For example, if you give me a list of names and tell me to send a form letter to that list, I will do just that. I cannot know that some of these people are deceased, or our now married. When I prepare to send the form letter out to these deceased/married people, do not ask why I haven't removed the dead people from the list, or why its not addressed to the person and their new spouse. I don't know these people.
4. Do not call me a "little shit." I know you are trying to establish some sort of joking comraderie with me, but it's really unprofessional. Just because you treat me like shit, does not mean you can call me a little shit. At least not to my face. Insults to coworkers and employees are reserved for those quiet moments at home, or to be expressed in anonymous mediums where no one can find you out, you dried-up, controlling, obsessive-compulsive freak.
5. Do not get mad when other people don't understand you. You are horribly inarticulate. I do not know how you made it this far. It truly amazes me. At any rate, somehow you've climbed the corporate ladder despite using a vocabulary (excuse me: "word list") of about 500 words. This makes you almost impossible to understand (because, as I noted above, I can't read your mind). Considering this, do not become upset when you say "The thing...the thing on the thing. The new thing. The new thing for the people that you made on the computer." and I don't know what you're talking about. This statement was not put in any sort of context, and if it had been, it will still make no fucking sense. Are you referring to something that I made on the computer for some group of people? Is this thing a file, spreadsheet, or some other document? Who are these people? Are they newly married or deceased? Or are you referring to something that is intended for a group of people who I created on my computer? I'm sure you can understand my confusion.
6. Do not laugh maniacally when you pass off a task to me. I understand that you are thrilled you don't have to do the craptacular projects you now have me to complete, but please do not gloat in my face. Also, do not share this glee with other workers who are thrilled to be relieved of the same burden. The statement "Ha ha! Now we don't have to do (insert menial task here) because it's her responsibility" does not create a positive work environment. At least not for me.
7. Do not give me contradictory information. Also, do not get mad when I only succeed in doing half of what you asked, because attempting to do all of what you asked would create a paradox, and I'm pretty sure a vortex in space time would open up and swallow me whole. Which I wouldn't really mind that much. At any rate, do not tell me to "take more initiative" and then get mad when I'm "wasting time on my own projects." Do not tell me to finish eating my lunch, and then we'll talk, and immediately proceed to start lecturing me on my next project, and expect me to take notes. While I am taking notes, do not take this opportunity to stick your nose in my now un-guarded food.
8. Do not ask me to carry out tasks that you have no idea of how to complete. We don't have records that go back ten years. When you ask me to find out financial information for the last ten years, that is impossible. Those records don't exist. Our records only go back 8 years. Please don't insist that I find some way of getting information for these other two years, and when I ask you how, do not scream "I don't know! I don't know!". Also, do not get mad that I didn't create these records ten years ago. I started working here in SEPTEMBER (see no.2)
9. Do not treat me badly because I'm thin. I understand that my coworkers' girth exceeds mine, sometimes exponentially. This does not mean you can shun me or make catty comments like, "Oh, she doesn't EAT this sort of thing" because I won't partake in your artificially flavored cheese product snack treats. Everyone's sausage-fingered hands have dug in that bag, and it's now a petri dish that will likely lead to diarrhea, vomiting, and possibly E coli. Do not expect me to eat it.
10. Don't expect me to adhere to your OCD whims. I understand I abbreviated "Street" on one letter and spelled it out on the next. This is because I'm copying and pasting from a list you provided me. I've sent out three hundred letters today. I will not go through each one and spell out "Street" just so you feel better. Twitch away, my dear, but when you're not around I not only abbreviate "Street" but also "Lane", "Road", and even "Way." That's right. Suck my balls. Or rather, Sk. my blls.
11. Do not expect me to stay here for years. This will only make it more pathetic when I leave. I know you think you've found some sort of savior- a scapegoat who will take all your shit for barely above minimum wage, but I've got some sad news. In a few months, I'll be gone. Out of here. You might get two weeks notice, or I might just leave. I'm looking for work as we speak. I actually spend hours each day at the office browsing online for a better job. I'm mailing an application out with one of your stamps. And when I leave, you will be so royally fucked. I've revamped the filing system and all of our records. It's so ridiculously complicated only I can decipher it. You'll be so confused you won't know where your ass is when you need to wipe it.
If you follow these rules, maybe the next person you sucker into working for you won't try and screw you so badly.
P.S.- I'm stealing from the company.