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100 Ways To Leave Your Lover
100 Ways To Leave Your Lover
1. I need more time and more space. That's why I'm moving 12 hours and 7 states away. Yeah sure I'll call you ...the minute I get there.
2. Break up? (get out magic 8 ball) All signs point to YES.
-Jimmy Corona -
3. Answering machine: "Hi, I'm not home right now, If you're Jerry, hang up, if you are any other available male, press two now."
4. Dear Baby: Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU
-Homer Simpson -
5. All my friends at the gay bar said I should go through with the sex change, what do you think?
-Johnny B. Bad (soon to be Vickie)-
6. The mothership has returned and I must leave. Pay no attention to my android double when you see it.
7. You've become so incredibly unattractive during these last few minutes, that I don't want to invest any more time trying to have sex with you. You're fired!
-Donald Trump -
8. Sorry, but my leprosy is acting up again. Are you going to eat those fries?
9. Do you think the ceiling needs painting? (Timing is everything with this one.)
10. Oh, hi Julie...erm...Amanda? Judy? Oh, I remember now, its Cindy, right? Tanya? Does it start with a 'T'?
-Huge McBlisters -
11. You remind me of my dead ex-husband... Let's get married.
-Black Widow -
12. I'm awfully sorry, but I have asexual tendencies...
-If I told you, I'd have to kill you -
13. Would you like to meet my last girlfriend? Really, its no problem, she's still chained up in my basement.
-U.B. Myspace-Lover -
14. "I'm changing on a genetic level...and I can't ask you to watch me slowly fade away....Please, go now and remember me as I am"
-The Fly -
15. (Note: this one comes to you courtesy of Homer Simpson.) Six simple words: I'm not gay, but I'll learn.
16. No, seriously, I thought you were a man the whole time we were dating.
-Mad Anthony Wayne -
17. I got us tickets to Yanni!
-Delilah Smud Puddle -
18. "If I have to sell your body to get the money to divorce you, I will!"
-always the EX never the wife -
19. Fuck off, asshat!!!!!
(NOTE: We were not really sure if this was a submission for 100 dumping lines or if it was actually directed at us)
-The Bitch -
20. Remember when I asked you out?? Well.... I was talking to the guy behind you!
21. I was only hanging around with you because I wanted to get in your mom's pants
22. Don't you just love when leeches get into your pants?
-Mac Aronie -
23. "I break with thee... I break with thee.. I break with thee.. and then throw dog-poop on her/his shoes" (Steve Martin)
24. It's me not you.
25. It's you, not me...I mean it's me, not you.
26. It's not you...it's me...well ok..it is you.
27. I'm sorry I never told you but I'm gay. I've been fighting it, and if anyone could have converted me it would have been you. However, I succumb. Ciao!
-Dick Wicks/Claude Balls -
28. I can forgive everything else about you, even the fact that you are 9 years older than me, have a 10 year old daughter, are getting a divorce, can't have any more kids, don't have a job, or a car, and the fact that you don't have a high school diploma. All that is fine. (then just stop calling)
-A former e-Harmony customer-
29. You know, if God actually stopped and thought about it, I'm pretty sure he could think of something better to do with skin rather than hold your sorry ass together.
-Hearth Cat -
30. Send them your obituary.
31. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, sob, sob, I know what you did you bastard!!!! WAAAAAAAAAH! I hate you! Then you run away, but it works best if he didn't do anything.
32. You're a really great guy..You don't know how much I love you..You mean everything to me... NOW LEAVE!!! AND NEVER COME BACK!!!
33. I really like you. . . So does my wife.
34. I want a baby. Or else you are referred to organ harvesting.
-Trauma B. Loving-
35. Know what? You smell funny. Bill's cuter too...
36. Let's just be friends. (scary isn't it?)
-Bird of Prey-
37. Good-bye, and NO, we cannot still be friends!
-Stephen Britton -
38. Just 'cause I am the President of the United States doesn't mean we still can't be friends.
39. I'd like to eat ... err ... meet your ex.
-Trauma B. Loving-
40. None, just spell out "you're dumped" on their car with dead hamsters soaked in gasoline and set alight whilst buggering a duck in front of them....
41. I have to break it off. I've been seeing someone else and they told me I had to choose. Besides, your mother doesn't snore as loud.
42. My ex had a much bigger.. (this is where you get smacked)
43. Buh-bye. What part don't you understand -- the "buh" or the "bye"? Buh-bye.
-Da RanMan -
44. "Help, I'm an idiot. I can't see you anymore!!!" (And run away)
-Dennis the RPG master-
45. Don't say anything to her. Call 911.
46. The rabbit died and he was not yours.
47. Look at my horoscope! "...a new love in your life..." Well, gotta follow my guiding star...
48. Bob, I'd like you to meet Roy.... he's your new replacement.
-Wicked Wench of the West -
49. I find that if you tell 'em straight-up to go away, they just want you more (Go figure?). Perhaps moaning someone else's name right before....ya' know....might do it.
50. We've been going out for a while, and I think we're ready to go to the next level... have you heard the good news about Amway?
-First M. Last -
51. Sing "Kyle's Mom is a Sutpid Bitch in D Minor", but substitute their name for Kyle's mom.
-just some guy -
52. Forget bothering with actually dumping him/her, just sign up to the witness protection program and never speak to them again.
-Mikey the Cheese-
53. Well, whatever you do, don't propose a "menage a twoi" like Seinfeld did.
54. The judge changed my kid's visitation schedule.
-Trauma B. Loving-
55. I can't meet your needs for the foreseeable future because I find working on my site and hanging out with my net pals far more absorbing than conversing with you or even looking at your face, actually.
-Damn, I've been looking for an excuse this good for years! Thank God for the Cold War!!-
56. Hi, I am Elvis Shortliver!
57. You look too much like my sister/brother, I can't see you anymore.
58. I don't want you as a boyfriend, no we can't still be friends..and, oh, by the way you're ugly too.
59. Sorry, you don't make the flag on my mailbox go up anymore. (for females)
-Suzie Q -
60. I'm considering suicide because after being with you, hell should be a breeze.
61. Goodbye. I don't want to see you again. Goodbye, I don't even wanna be your friend. So get out now before I call security.
@@@The Wonderful Tatum@@@
62. For women: I've been thinking about us getting married. For men: Does your friend want me on the side?
-Captain Pyro -
63. Mom says I'm too good for you.
-Unanimous Visitor -
64. You looked better when I was drinking.
65. Your mom told me you were gay.
66. I'd like to help you out. Now which way did you come in?
-Some one like Meg -
67. I can't figure out what sex you are, even after having sex with you.
-Jimmy Rae -
68. I have finished my unfinished business with you.
69. I love you so much! Let's get married! I want to have lots of children and get a big house and a mortgage and a minivan and....
70. How about "You're an immature, selfish jerk who couldn't do a goddamn thing for me even if you cared, which you obviously don't, so stop bugging me with your stupid so-called problems and leave me the f**k alone." That usually works for me.
71. Here's the phone number of my forensic psychologist, I think you and he should talk....
-The Hillside Strangler-
72. You smell funny and no, I don't like the way you kiss, I do think it's weird that you like to sing showtunes while having sex... oh wait, that was Mark, wasn't it?
73. Send a dozen dead roses with a note: "Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd rather be dead than continue seeing you!"
74. F*uck off, asshole (assholette?) I find direct honesty is always the best policy.
-Like I'd say! -
75. GADZOOKS! You're just not as NEARLY as attractive as you are after 10 beers, two shots of vodka, half a bottle of wine, and a Captain Morgan and Coke with a twist of lime!
76. "Well, um..."(utilizing big googly eyes of course)" ...my individual mind patterns are breaking down from the appearance of you ... meep..." at this critical point, scream, "Your fault, your fault" until you finally drive them away at a sprint.
-tripped over my tongue LMac -
77. Now that I'm sober...I remembered...I'm married and have a kid and live in Nebraska. I don't know why I am in St.Louis, and can I have the key to these handcuffs? Please, I need to go home.
-Jason "The answer guy" H-
78. MY MATCH.COM MEMBERSHIP RUNS OUT IN THREE DAYS AND I BETTER GET CRACKING ON YOUR REPLACEMENT. TO THINK I WOULD HAVE LET YOU BE FATHER NUMBER FIVE!
79. Two simple words. "I am gay"
-Petrie Hosermouth -
80. Drop them off at the grocery store and never go pick 'em up.
81. Hey, did you know that you could leave any time now?? Yeah, I think I made it clear when I started making out with someone else over there!
-I.M. Retard -
82. Hum, sing, whistle 50 ways to lose your lover constantly.
83. "I'm sleeping with my brother."
-Jim Bob Bill -
84. Thank you for taking the time to participate in this survey.
85. Excuse me, but I'm moving to Antarctica tomorrow to start work on important governmental research. See ya!
86. Roses are red, Violets are blue. Garbage is dumped, now so are you.
87. Can I borrow that cute little blue teddy and heels?
-some guy -
88. I'm no longer worthy of you (Keep repeating until s/he agrees with you)
-Trauma B. Loving-
89. I used to think size didn't matter, but in your case I have made an exception... so I'm leaving you for bigger and better things. My ex-boyfriend Vito just came back into town. He finished serving his sentence and is dying to meet you.
90. Could we reschedule our date for later? I have to go down to the tar pits to worship my dark lord Friday at Midnight.
91. Get the hell away from me!! I'm so fricken sick of you!!
92. I want you to meet my family. My mom is an OBGYN specializing in fertility treatments, and my dad does microsurgical vasectomy reversals. They are so excited that I'm dating someone nice!
93. Are you into horses and stuff? I know I am... I also like sheep. They give you that warm feeling. Hello? Are you still there?
94. Yell "FIRE!!!!!!!" and run, never stopping or looking back.
- Jason "The answer guy" H-
95. There's been a death in the family. My hamster. Sorry.
96. If you don't leave me alone now, I'll blow your frickin head off with my Glock 9mm, Beeeeyotch!
-Bonko the Homicidal Krazy Clown from HELL! -
97. How do you feel about (sex) relations with Irish Setters?
-Ian Rotten of the Ian Rotten Band -
98. Sorry, I just never realized how ugly you are.
-Mad Anthony Wayne -
99. Time for you to go - I gotta reduce the number of dependents that I claim on my W2.
100. "Don't forgive me, just leave the 200 bucks on the nightstand!"
-Nicki Squires -
5/25/2006 4:45 am
Read many but not all. Hope there will not be a quiz on all this!|