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Okie Dokie! Clearly I am a Dope
Okie Dokie! Clearly I am a Dope
An Open letter to lesbians:
I understand that this is an unusual request but can you please tell a straight man where he might be capable of purchasing a secret lesbian decoder ring?
Here is my dilemma. About nine years ago I met the woman of my dreams. After dating for two we were married and had five years of what I thought was wedded bliss. Then, unknown lesbian wife informed me that we needed to talk. Lesbian wife proceeded to tell me that she “thought” she was a lesbian. Sorry lesbian wife but it wasn’t so much talking for me as it was listening to fourteen years of repressed sexual frustration. It turns out that she IS in fact a lesbian. Strike ONE for me!
Cut to the future. After walking around in a haze for the past two years wondering how I could not have known that my wife was a lesbian and after having numerous meaningless sexual encounters to prove that lesbian wife’s sexuality was not the result of my inability to perform. I found a woman in which I have become quite smitten.
After many drinks, a Big Head Todd and the Monsters show (who completely rocked!) we ended up at Silk City Diner. We were sitting at the counter chatting about how much the BHTM show rocked and I became totally freaked out by the stalking dyke waitress staring at my chick. (Sorry dykes, but she was a total dyke! Boy haircut, sleeves of tattoos and overalls, etc.) I might not have noticed given my euphoric state but dyke waitress just stood there wiping one spot on the Formica countertop until she almost drilled a hole to China.
I went to the bathroom and dyke waitress took the opportunity to pounce on then unknown lesbian date. I came back from the bathroom and I saw the uncomfortable exchange of napkin notes at which point dyke waitress and lesbian date became quite uncomfortable with the awkward situation at hand. Strike TWO for me!
Now, I don’t blame you lesbian date, how were you to know that I had so much experience in picking up awkward exchanges due to being married to lesbian wife? I don’t blame you dyke waitress, my lesbian date was smoking HOT and I would hit on her too! I am sorry dyke waitress that I didn’t leave you a tip but I felt that if you can score my lesbian date, you might owe me a tip!
So, I return to my original question. Would a caring lesbian be willing to sell me a secret lesbian decoder ring or at the very least, a pair of secret lesbian revealing sunglasses? I am at a loss! I have listened to Amazon country very closely and I have also played Melissa Etheridge CD’s both forward and backward to no avail. I promise I will not break any lesbian code of honor. I am just looking to sort out future dates because it is becoming very clear to me that without the assistance of some sort of James Bond spy equipment I am unable to distinguish between straight and gay women.
For all the straight women who might stumble upon this request. Yes, I am single and available. Yes, I am cute and charming. At least that is what the lesbian women from my past have confirmed!
Thank you for understanding my request.