stupid man  

sexymamma662003 31F
3954 posts
4/6/2006 11:23 am

Last Read:
3/5/2007 9:08 am

stupid man

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. Right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and! Over ag ain. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.. That hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,


sexymamma662003 31F

4/6/2006 12:30 pm

glad you liked it i laughed pretty hard myself


rm_sexoverlife2 30M

4/6/2006 2:12 pm

I got to say that every guy has that thought but after reading this I'm still laughing after 5 mins thanks needed that one.

rm_jlaws2000 38M/37F
2 posts
4/7/2006 1:59 pm

very fun but man that had to hurt

rm_onichelle 49F
4 posts
4/7/2006 11:09 pm

OMG !!!! I haven't laughed that hard for awhile. Wish I coulda been there to see that

rm_sexybiglady3 52F
8 posts
4/8/2006 5:14 pm

Surely, only a man would HAVE to test it first!!! I'm just breathing a massive sigh of relief for poor little Gracie...just a thought though, is that all we have to look forward to after 22 years of marriage? lol xxx

sexymamma662003 31F

4/8/2006 7:21 pm

    Quoting rm_sexybiglady3:
    Surely, only a man would HAVE to test it first!!! I'm just breathing a massive sigh of relief for poor little Gracie...just a thought though, is that all we have to look forward to after 22 years of marriage? lol xxx
god i hope not, but yes good thing the cat was not injerd


rm_cru1972 44M
4407 posts
4/9/2006 10:35 am

OMG even I'm not that stupid, oh wait I did test my dogs shock collar on my arm. It wasn't quite that bad though. Still ROFLMFAO

mycin62 54F

4/11/2006 9:13 pm

ROFLMAO, great story! I would have loved to see that!

2943 posts
4/11/2006 9:18 pm

Holy Hell that's funny!!!!!!!!!...


mangomamiCT 41F

4/11/2006 9:36 pm

OMG too funny

sexymamma662003 31F

4/11/2006 9:38 pm

    Quoting mycin62:
    ROFLMAO, great story! I would have loved to see that!
i would have loved to see it too. if given the chnace i would problly pay to see some guy do that to himself,


catseyes23 61F

4/11/2006 10:00 pm

Now that was too funny for words!


twirly_girl 47F

5/21/2006 12:16 pm

I forgot about this post.

I laughed just as hard this time as I did the first.


sexymamma662003 31F

5/23/2006 9:16 am

    Quoting twirly_girl:
    I forgot about this post.

    I laughed just as hard this time as I did the first.
i laugh hard every time i read it


rm_abutoo2 44M
1078 posts
7/15/2006 4:45 am

it's only three AAA batteries!!! lmao. Oh man... too funny. Thank you

rapunzle169 59F

7/15/2006 6:40 pm


marathonman45202 53M
6640 posts
7/22/2006 8:12 pm

Fucking hilarious!

tdotbrad 37M
3 posts
7/24/2006 1:14 am

wow babe i would love 2 shoot the shit with you indeed reach me @ (416)686-1554 looking 4ward 2 chat wit ya babe....????

tdotbrad 37M
3 posts
7/24/2006 1:16 am

care 2 chat

rm_ready1920 96M

7/26/2006 4:55 am

Had to print this story to share with my friends. It was the best laugh I've had in may moons

ollie996 58F

8/7/2006 3:30 am

hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe god I've just wet myself!!!!!!!!

rm_add144 50M
2 posts
8/7/2006 8:41 am

High everybody needs fuck,
But who enjoys, won the Battle of Life.

Alannc4900 60M

8/23/2006 11:54 am

Great story ... LOL

Halfway thru it was clear what was coming, but it was still hilarious to read ...


woofff 41F

9/5/2006 4:46 am

too funny sexymama...


rm_tui701 47M

9/26/2006 3:37 pm

OMG that was so funny, I have tears running down my face I laughed so hard. Just the anticipation of what he was about to do was enough.

I am so pleased I read it hear first, I am sure if I had not, and one day found myself in a similar situation, I would have been the one saying "it's only 3 AAA batteries" ... I mean I am the guy that tried to iron his shirt, while wearing it

thanks xx

CoyoteTravels 59M

10/7/2006 7:44 am

Damn Gurl!!! Jesus H Christ!!! Thats outrageous!!! I cant believe that I read this and you said it would be worth the time!@!! Holy Shit.. you got me there.. !!! Thanks for the laugh!

rm_j8ryan 32M
566 posts
3/4/2007 10:31 pm

Have not been to your blog in awhile. Wheni first posted on here didnt think to watch it. Had a crappy night and past few months but reading this makes me forget it. I needed to see this dont know when i will stop laughing.

Bad ass in bed
Nice guy in life

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