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A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.
"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"
She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"
He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.
"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"
Do you know what Rodeo Sex is?
It's when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear "Your sister was better than you...", and try to hold on for 8 seconds!
Late one evening a man and his wife were going to bed. The man walks over to the window to close the curtains and notices something strange.
There were three men in his shed loading his things into the back of their truck.
The man proceeds to go over to the phone and calls the police.
"There are three men stealing things out of my shed, can you send someone over?" He asks
"I'm sorry Sir." says the voice on the other end. "I'm afraid no one is available right now, but we'll send someone as soon as an officer becomes available."
The man thanks the operater and hangs up.
He waits for thirty seconds and calls back.
"Hello, I just called about the men stealing things from my shed."
"Yes, I remember" responds the operator.
"Well, I just shot them all so, nevermind." and he hangs up.
Not much more than a minute later three patrol cars and an ambulance race up to the house, catching the thieves red handed.
One officer walks over to the man and says "I thought you said you shot them." and the man responds "I thought you said no one was available."
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young
couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her,
kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he is in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He has
spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he
kissed your neck.
If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very
dangerous. If he gets angry, he could kill us both. Be strong, honey. I
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you, too.
2 men meet at the golden gates. the first man says what did you die from the second man replys i froze to death. the second man says that must have been a horrible way to die. no not really says the first one at first you just get cold then after you just go to sleep it is quit peacseful.
the second man asked the first man what did you die from. he replyes i died from a heart attack. i went home early, i knew my wife was cheating on me i wanted to catch her. so i get home and go upstaires to find her alone in her room, i knew someone was there so i ran down to the basement and nobody, went up staires and still noone and just as i got to the attck i had a heart attak. the first one was laughing the secong man says why are you laughing, becouse if you would have stopped and checke the freezer we would both still be alive
4/4/2006 8:44 pm
Laugh. I like #5 and #8 the best.|
4/4/2006 9:22 pm
funny stuff, thanks for sharing, and love the nipple shot....the redneck|