codependency  

sexydisaster30 41F
5527 posts
3/5/2006 8:32 pm

Last Read:
11/25/2006 10:02 pm

codependency


With my post on Friday I want to be taken care of??? I realized a couple of things. First of all it is amazing to me how many people emailed me, commented, im’ed or called me to make sure that I was ok. For this I would like to thank you all. You know who you are. Secondly, it made me realize that I am not the only one going through this on here. As much as it pains me to know that many of you are going through this or have gone through this I was comforted to know that I am not alone.

One person’s email stuck out in my head as he told me things that I already knew.

I am codependent.

I knew this already, but had forgotten this little fact. I actually had years of high priced therapy about this. I pulled out an old book called Codependent No More and began to read it again. I also did some research online and found a couple of things that I found interesting that I would like to share. Here is that information:

Codependence (or codependency) is a psychological condition in which someone exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for other people's struggles.

As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in
relationships with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. The codependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires, they set themselves up for continued unfulfillment.

Symptoms of codependence are: controlling behavior, distrust, perfectionism, avoidance of feelings, intimacy problems, caretaking behavior, hypervigilance or physical illness related to stress. Codependence is often accompanied by depression, as the codependent person succumbs to feelings of extreme frustration or sadness over his or her inability to make changes in the other person's (or persons') life.


When I read these things it really hit home for me. I am once again headed down a destructive path that I do not need to be on. My brain and heart are not on the same path. Why do I do this to myself even when I know that I should not? Why do I continue down this path when I know what the outcome is going to be? These are not really questions that any of you can answer, I must answer them myself, but they are rolling around in my mind.

It is amazing to me that even as I look at those words and read them and know that they all pertain to my recent behavior, I seem to do exactly what they say anyway. I seem to lead myself down a road that I should not be traveling on. This is a pattern in my life that must change, but how. How does one simply just stop especially when it is all you know? This is my most recent quest, to find out how and to actually do it this time.

-Disaster

-Disaster


jadedbabe78 105F

3/5/2006 8:55 pm

It's a path only you can stop walking on, obviously.

BUT things that can help....ask for help of friends and loved ones. Have them help steer you in the right direction. One thing you do NOT want to do is shut yourself down emotionally. That's how I managed the 180 and it's a hard battle to stop doing as well. You ping pong between the two.

You need to find a balance of being independent for you and loving people for who they are, not because they're needy or have struggles you want to save.

It's like withdrawal. Since I've already begun to feel the effects of my withdrawals....it's a good metaphor. You have to force yourself to say NO. You have to force yourself off your current path and you have to force yourself to live for YOU. After a week or a month or however long it takes you, it will start to feel natural.

Hugs to you ~ Jadey


Kaliedascope61 41M
4084 posts
3/5/2006 9:43 pm

I wonder why, wanting or needing to be part of an "us" is always thought to be a bad thing....no wonder there are so many divorces.


rm_litetouchtoo 48M
9 posts
3/5/2006 9:46 pm

Wish you were closer to me; I would gladly take care of you if only to find someone who is like me! I seem to find myself in these same situations, and I am a guy! I keep trying to take care of wounded birds, and then they end up flying away! Good luck in your quest. If you ever come to the DC area look me up!


absolutelynormal 56F
6563 posts
3/5/2006 10:28 pm

I agree with K'scope. You gotta be part of something, humans are social creatures by design. We weren't made to live alone. I do know what you are talking about though. There has to be a clear delineation of you and of them. You know what I mean? When two people get married others often say "the two shall become one," been there, done that, got the divorce papers (and that's about all I got too). Know where you atart and end and where he starts and ends (except during sex) and you'll be OK : ) Mac


elbman 41M  
2566 posts
3/6/2006 2:15 am

It's something we all deal with to a degree.....it's a trend I've repeated many times.

It's a very destructive trait for me personally; but once you realize the trait and the pattern it follows you can spot the warning signs earlier each time you begin to wander down that road. Until then hop in the shopping cart and just avoid it all together


caressmewell 53F

3/6/2006 8:02 am

You've taken the first step and it's ok to take baby steps after that.


aascrompn 42M
6444 posts
3/6/2006 8:29 am

Here are some questions for you...

1. Does the person that you are codependent over know of your problem?
Yes - then the person does not care about you as a person and is only caring for himself

No - If the person is unaware of your codependence, make them aware of it and what it does to you.

2. If you know that this is destructive for you and is affecting your mental well being, when do you plan on stopping it? I know for me, I wouldn't just be able to stop something that I love easily, but I do know that once I was done w/ my immediate self-gratification, I would have to end it.

3. What stage of a relationship are you really in w/ this guy? If it's still just the beginning phases of a relationship (which doesn't start - for me - until around 3 to 6 months in) then it's easier to get out now before you declare you love for him.

4. Where do you see this relationship headed?

These are only questions that you can answer. Go back and print this out and write the questions and answers down on paper. Your brain will get another angle on it if you do so. You are NOT alone in this. You have well too many friends that will not allow you to destroy yourself over a relationship that is going to be unhealthy for you. However, you have to reach out to your friends to gain that help. You've made a first step... keep going. *Big Hugs*


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