Why does this happen?  

sexydisaster30 41F
5527 posts
2/14/2006 1:08 pm

Last Read:
11/8/2006 8:38 pm

Why does this happen?


Why is it that Valentines Day brings people out of the wood work? Why is it that people you haven't talked to in days, months, years just show up in one way or another. This has been happening to me all day.
I am spending today alone by choice. I am reflecting on some things and trying to bring closure to my past so that I can move on. It happens that I am seeing 2 men right now. One I have been seeing since the middle of October and the other I have been seeing just about 3 weeks. The one I have been seeing since October, we can call him the tall man, had not mentioned Valentines Day at all..........until today. Are you fucking kidding me? Is he for real? You can not just ask a girl the day of Valentines Day to go to dinner. Shouldn't these things be planned out? Shouldn't he have asked me to spend time with me earlier? This from a man that calls me late last week to ask me to meet his child next Monday. (Meeting his child is a whole different story.....I am not going to just for the record. I am not ready fot that.) This from a man that likes to make plans and actually follows through on them. This from a man that remembers Thursday is trash day for me and takes it to the curb when he is here. I say hell no. You can not call me the day of Valentines Day and ask me to hang out.
Then there is the man that I have been seeing for a few short weeks. It seems that we have hit it off although he is just as fucked up as I am. He is in as much pain from past experiences as I am although he seems to be dealing with it better than I am. He asked me yesterday if I had plans tonight. We made plans to have dinner tonight and promptly canceled them today because we didn't want to "force it". This is a very adult manner of handling this. This is the right thing to do. Both of us are dealing with ghosts and need to let them go.
And on top of all this I get an email from another man that I have not heard from in about a month. I like to call him the disappearing man. It was a shock to me to see his name in my inbox this morning. It is strange to me that he would think of me today and that he would get in touch. I am sure he will disappear again. This is his MO.
And just to make the day wierder as I was running errands today I looked in my rear view mirror and who was there???? My high school boyfriend. You know the one. The one you never forget because you lost your virginity to them. That is right folks. I have not seen him in about 8 years and there he was today, in my rear view mirror. After I caught my breath I turned off the road and went the long way home. I know that he is married now and I know he cheats on his wife (I am from a small town and he is still there) and I am happy I am not her. Their was no way I was going to let him see me. He is one of two men that I can no longer be around in fear that my panties will just fall off.
Speaking of the two men. The other one is "Him". the person that I referenced in my other blogs. He text messaged me at 12:24 this afternoon. Nothing special nothing that exciting. All it said was "I just wanted to wish you a Happy Valentines Day." and this is the part of my day that has fucked me up the most. That little line is what threw me into a tailspin. That is what I have allowed to fuck up my day. Why is this? Why can "He" do that to m? Although I have to admit that I have some satisfaction that he is thinking about me today I am pissed that he can get this kind of reaction out of me. I am pissed that I allow him to have this kind of control. I am pissed at myself.

-Disaster


JustaSeeker 105F

2/14/2006 2:32 pm

It's Valentine's Day. Everybody is a little mental. I've gotten several calls today, one of which I expected, a couple I didn't. Just take it as the universe's way of cheering you on. I do!


Vincent_Omnia 46M

2/14/2006 2:33 pm

Damn. You need an exorcism. Now just nekkid and lie there while I light some candles....heh.

You know what is really interesting about all this? Your brain and heart are still fully functional. You are doing and saying all the right things with proper perspective. It may be hard to do the right thing, but at least you aren't casting about wondering what it is.

Hang in there, sweetheart.

xoxo
Vince


MrNuttz05 49M

2/14/2006 3:15 pm

sexydisaster30, You can't be upset with yourself, trust me on this one. You feel a certain way, so you have to deal with those feelings at hand! Being mad @ yourself will only make matters a tad bit worse... Let's just say that I have experiences with these matters

"Feelings are from the heart, the most deceitful muscle in the body!"

Focus on you!


caressmewell 53F

2/14/2006 5:07 pm

I wish I had some words of wisdom.

Me, I'd rent "Under the Tuscan Sun" and drink some wine or beer while I watch it then take a long hot bubble bath.


elbman 41M  
2566 posts
2/15/2006 1:48 am

Let me get this straight, you're pissed at yourself for realizing the feelings and emotions you have for someone?

Your heart is the thing you have little to no control over, you have to balance it with your head......which you seem to be doing in rationalizing the situation.....


caressmewell 53F

2/15/2006 6:51 pm

*Grins*, I think 2 bottles of wine would be fabulous! (Just make sure you don't get a fabulous hangover)


JustaSeeker 105F

2/15/2006 9:36 pm

I'm sorry, sexy, I didn't mean to sound flippant. I just have this thing where I'm always having to pull my foot out of my mouth, and I'm a natural smart-aleck. I'm also Irish. Sigh.

What I meant to say is this: When I look around I see the bigger picture; the universe, if you will, or whatever guiding force you believe in, and I see patterns and signs. I guess I'm just a big picture person, and that's helped me through so many awful experiences that I've had, losing my parents, losing friends, losing my love, having a terrible accident, so many things that would have broken me if I hadn't been able to look up. It's just what I do in times of trouble, or when I think my heart is about to break. It's what has kept me sane. I look up, and I look out. I start to see the purpose and the pattern in all of it...or I realize that I'm too close to it to see the pattern, and that thought gives me a lot of comfort.

Every love that you have in your life is proof of your ability to love, and your destiny of love. Even a love that's lost. Or a love postponed until you are both more ready. Or a love that is never quite consummated or realized the way you think it should be. The universe is sending you messages that love is a part of your life path. Don't ignore it or reject its imperfections, just let it come to you. That's all I meant. I enjoy reading your thoughts- blog on.


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