update for my son and Mr. C  

sexloverocknroll 57M
282 posts
3/18/2006 9:01 pm

Last Read:
3/19/2006 8:03 pm

update for my son and Mr. C


My son and I had a long talk Friday night. Over 4 hours worth. Seems the story is a bit different than from the way my ex told me. Before I go further, I will try to be objective with this. Most parents, my self especially, have a tendency to favor our off-spring in most, if not all situations. Even if we know in our hearts they are wrong. Throughout this whole lifetime of my son long ordeal with the ex, I have tried my best to listen to my son with my heart AND my head. Hard for me to do at times, yet, with him it seems to come natural. My son has not gotten along well with his step-father since my son was perhaps 6 or 7, sometime shortly after the birth of their own son. Not sure of time lines here because of the distortions with what I have been told, as mentioned earlier. I can recall quit vividly one day my mother and my son talking while I was out of the room, just not out of ear shot. Their were discussing me and who I am in relation to my son. My son told my mother (and I quote) “(my full name) is my pretended father and (the other guy) is my real father.” No, my mother explained, the other way around. Next visitation, the following weekend, my son began calling me “Daddy (my full name)” and the other guy “Daddy (his full name).” Before that he just called me by my first name. Wonder where he got that from? (sarcasm) Back to the present: There are some similarities to the story. First similarity: they were out eating at a restaurant and there was a debate over the phone. Only one other similarity exists. Just to set this up, S, the other guy, had several drinks at the restaurant. According to my son, S was already “mad” before they even got there. In fact, S often comes home from his long day at work angry. He has a drink and becomes even more angry. Each drink he takes, more anger. On the drive home from the restaurant, the argument ensued. The argument escaladed until S pulled over and got out of the car, calling my son out. Yes, asking that they engage in a fist fight. S told my son that the phone “is taking over his life,” grabbed my son’s cell phone, which S paid for, and smashed it on the ground. Then, he got into my son’s face, with his fists raised and called my son out, asking to fight. My son refused and S took off leaving my son there to walk home. According to my son, S often gets in my son’s face and “tries to fight” him. My son did not want to go home, so he went to his friend’s and spent the night. That is the other similarity. Of course, I had lots of emotions and thoughts that I did not allow to run through me. Ultimately, most of those thoughts and feelings, such as I will take care of S myself, see if he wants to call me out (again, because he has before) and see if he would like to follow through with it, would not do any good for anyone and perhaps just make matters worse. The feelings and thoughts I did allow involved me being concerned about legal ramifications and getting my son out of there. We discussed just that and having him move back in with me. However, I made it clear to him that it is his choice, but my best advise for making the matter better. We then discussed my son’s attitude of late. He agreed that it has not been good and that he will do something about it, without any prompts from me. Very good! Per his idea, he will be making 2 lists. One is “bad habits” the other “good habits.” He will focus more on doing the “good” and to find solutions to the “bad.” His troubles with school are typical, so not much was needed there, just to find healthier solutions. The drinking and pot was pinned down to one friend. This guy has been an issue for my son, coming between him and his friends of many years, spreading rumors, demanding that my son do the drinking and drugs and just showing up places uninvited. My son had, previous to our conversation, decided to not have this guy as a friend any more. We did not discuss the pot much further at that time, so we will latter. My son has gotten lots of direction from me on that subject although apparently I should have focused more on peer pressure.

catseyes23 61F

3/18/2006 11:12 pm

"We discussed just that and having him move back in with me. However, I made it clear to him that it is his choice, but my best advise for making the matter better. We then discussed his attitude of late. He agreed that it has not been good and that he will do something about it, without any prompts from me."

It would be a good thing indeed if he were to move back in with you.

Cats...


sexloverocknroll 57M
415 posts
3/19/2006 6:55 am

Cats,

My parents and the rest of my family all say basically the same to me: he does not do any of that that here with you. He lived with me during his 7th and 8th grade years and of course he is here with me for most nearly every weekend and holidays and some week days. My family has commented repeatedly that do not see any of this aggressive, angry, deviant behavior that my son’s mother informs me. He is normally quite and polite and does nothing to get into trouble. So why is he so different with me? Or is just that his mother over dramatizes it? Perhaps both? I am not so sure I have good answers. In either case, he should indeed be living with me. Thank you for your comments and for noticing.

This is the tough part of raising children: a parent can make comments and suggestions, even possibly demands, but ultimately the child makes their own choices. A parent just has to hope that their children make the right choices.


catseyes23 61F

3/19/2006 6:05 pm

"So why is he so different with me? Or is just that his mother over dramatizes it?"

Because you're the only one there for him that can let him be HIM. Children very often hurt the ones they love whether intentionally or not. I remember as a child taking out my frustrations out on my father during my High School Years which I now regret. It will get better with time.

Cats...


sexloverocknroll 57M
415 posts
3/19/2006 8:03 pm

Cats,
Thanks for your thoughts! You know I love them and I respect your opinion. With each new blog of yours and each comment you make on mine, I am discovering you are an incredible person. Again, thank you so much. My son and I have always been more like friends then father and son. No, I am not a “cool dad” who lets him do anything he wants. Just that I have tried my best to treated him as an adult, as an equal, as much as that can be allowed. Thanks again!


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