The road less... Uh, walked on.. And stuff.  

sexloverocknroll 57M
282 posts
5/31/2006 7:56 pm

Last Read:
6/3/2006 5:26 am

The road less... Uh, walked on.. And stuff.

Choosing to find Enlightenment and to find my lot in life has placed me on a Path that few seem to be on. Sure, at times, my Path crosses another’s, but sooner or latter, they go in a different direction. At times, like now, it is difficult to understand. There is a part of me that knows that I do not need friends or others and that we all have to go on alone at times. My alone times have far out-weighed the friendship times the past 16 years. That is what happens when a person seeks a higher meaning in life. The ‘sheep’ you thought were your friends turn out to be ‘zombies.’ On the other hand, I do not understand why when I meet a good decent person that they are only here for a few short moments and then gone. Finding love for me appears to be all or nothing. Either she is to be my wife and lover and best friend or nothing at all. One by one, all the women I have met have turned out to be nothing for me. Sure I have learned and grown and that makes them something, but I still go to bed alone each night. I still wake up each morning just as lonely as when I went to bed. I trudge through each day trying to say it does not matter and sometimes it does not, but underneath all of that, I know it is my lot in life to not be alone. I do not close myself off, I am curious. I met someone and find hope and then it is taken from me. Sometimes, it is amazing how quickly it happens or how little it takes to make me see it is time to move on. Apparently it is me whom is the issue here, but I have no idea why or what to do about it. Without why or what, I can not resolve the issue, so I get to stay alone until God Sees fit to help me find out how and what and why.

My dreams the past 2 weeks have been filled with me living a life after some cataclysmic event. Again, very few survivors and even they do not seem to understand me nor care. The Gestalt theory of dream interpretation is that we are everything in our dreams. We dream of a river, we are that river. Why are we the river? What is the river part of us trying to say? In that respect, am I dieing and I do not understand nor care about myself? Dieing means change. It means letting go of an old part of one’s self that is no longer necessary. Letting go of something that is no longer a good thing to make room for the replacement good thing.

So, I just let go of asking why and finding explanations. Deep down, my heart says I do know or I will some day. That asking why is just making my everyday life miserable, so I have just let go of it.

A few days ago, I had this feeling come over me: I have forgotten how to have sex. Not only can I not remember what it feels like but I do not remember how. Not sure I even knew how to in the first place. How do I start? How do I know when to start? Should I start? Starts with a kiss, right? I forgot what it feels like to kiss and how to even do it. It has been so very long ago. Even if I do find someone, I am just going to be the worst lover ever. It will be like I am virgin all over again. Just rumble through this. Anyone interested in a 46 year old virgin?

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