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Mr. C has been hanging around a lot the past few days and has taken over at times. He has caused some issues that look as though they can not be forgiven. Although I have cleaned it up, this piece has his stench.
One spring day about 7 years ago, I was helping my now former gf clean out her storage shed. There was a box full of stuff that she said was her ex husband’s belongings. The box was open and lying on top of the other items was a cassette tape. That tape was one of those “singles” with only one song on each side. The song was “Little Miss Can’t be Wrong” by the Gin Blossoms. She told me he used to call her that. My reply was that I do not see that in her. At the time, I did not and was wondering what he might have meant. When she ended it with me, she wanted to remain friends. Of course, I wanted us to be at least civil to each other because she still meant a lot to me and that is just the right thing to do, yes? Being friends never happened. Just too hard for me right then and I needed time to work through all of that.
One day, perhaps about 4 months after we had broken up, I saw her at Wal-Mart. Yes, I am ashamed to admit I actual shop there. That day, I got to understand what her ex was talking about. Each thing I had to say, she had a comment that was an indication of her superiority over me. No, not just some indication, but blatantly stating, I am better, smarter and you are weak and stupid. She had become a "topper.” You know them. The person who has done everything you have done, only better. If you have gone fishing, they have caught bigger and more and used the highest quality, most expensive tools to do so, with their eyes closed and that was their worst day of fishing ever. She interrupted me and completed my sentences for me and told me all she knew about each subject as though I did not know anything. That day, I drove away thinking her ex was not quit accurate. She is not “Little Miss Can’t be Wrong” but “Little Miss I Know More About It Than You Do.” Somehow, either the blinds of love came off or she relapsed or she just put me in in her ‘stupid’ category. So what?
Seems I am in lots of people’s “stupid” category. So what? Am I “stupid?” Certainly not but nor am I super intelligent. I am much closer to the later than stupid, yet, I seem to know many people, mostly women, who think they are superior over me in their intelligences. So what? They have the right to their opinion. Maybe some of them are or maybe they are not, makes no difference. In our fast paced short attention span life style, we do not have the time or patience for lengthy explanations. When I am expressing myself, especially on this blog, I often do not express every possible view on a certain subject. So what? That should be expected, yes? People reading blogs should make some sort of assumption that not every single point of view can be discussed in a sort blog. Am I right? Then again, it is only that person’s opinion. So what? Many people have narrow views. Sometimes, I have moments when I am confused or frustrated and I can not see everything. Often times, in that situation, the answer I seek is right in front of me, the easiest, most logical, yet, I miss it. So what?
The voices in my head, or the Spirits, or “dead people” or whatever word you choice to label them, have turned out to be ‘toppers’ of sorts. Not that they can do it better or know more about than me, because maybe they do, just that no matter what I say or think or feel, no matter how slight or vague my thoughts or emotions, no matter to what degree my feelings, according to them, I am WRONG. Every single thought I have, they debate it with me. “No, that is not right. No, you are wrong that is not how it is.” They say they are trying to help me, but in actuality, they are just destroying any self-worth I might have or will ever gain. So what? Get over it and know that you are a decent person and that one day some lucky woman will find out just how special love can be.
My life has been one huge struggle to find anything good about myself. My self-esteem has been rubbish at best most of my life and this just does not help. I am grateful to God for this ‘gift’ in being able to “talk to the dead” and at one time it was not like this. At one time, they were always right and provided great and much needed guidance. It was so wonderful. About 7 years ago, that all stopped. In fact, it became the opposite. Now, I do not trust them or even God at times. So what? God is not to blame here. Are They? Am I? These days, they tell me that I am wrong about everything and then tell me what others are thinking or feeling. Usually, I have a good idea about that, so why do I need a commentary? 4 years ago, when I was unemployed and spending 23 hours a day alone in my bedroom, there was a few who actual provided some comfort to me. These days, those voices are relentless and brutal. So what?
There is no help for me, no one to help me find some answers. I bet 90% of the people who read this think I am crazy and need professional help and thorazine. The other 10% will say I am wrong for the way I perceive this. I only know 2 or 3 people who will understand this, but they do not return my calls. If I did decide to seek professional help, they will just want to pump me full of drugs. Sorry, your science is not the answer. Going back to drinking and drugs will not help, only make my life much worse. What I need is spiritual guidance and assistance. Where? God is telling me to do this myself.
5/4/2006 7:06 am
That really pulled a string with me. It came straight from your heart, Sexy. You are not inferior to anybody and don't let them forget it! Everyone is unique in their own way. Believe in yourself. Hugs & Kisses]|