Fear of fantasy  

saywhatoo 49F
58 posts
5/23/2006 4:18 pm

Last Read:
5/25/2006 7:52 am

Fear of fantasy

I guess this place is kind of therapeutic for me. I think about meeting all these pictures of men in my home and act out my every desire. I truly am not looking for a "connection". Allthough, if that happens, it happens.

rm_b2dnar 62M

5/24/2006 7:04 am

Kind of adds a new dimension to the phrase "I'm seeing a therapist daily, now."

I suspect there are a number of folks who frequent this site ARE looking for a connection - but I suspect, as well, that there are a number of folks NOT looking for a long term connection.

We all have certain things that we feel are "missing" in our lives. And it's human nature to seek out an answer to those needs. For some, simply being able to communicate their wants and needs to a complete stranger - in a forum usually devoid of judgement - will suffice. For others, the opportunity to expand that interaction is what they seek. To each his/her own. Technology has greatly enhanced ones ability to take whichever road they choose.

Fantasies can be a valid, emotional tool. Current social mores don't look kindly on, as you state: "Meeting these men in my home and act out my every desire." But if you subconsciously didn't have an interest - these thoughts probably wouldn't surface.

And as much as many people might protest otherwise - these feelings are present with all of us. Some have been more successful in burying these thoughts - some have chosen to explore them electronically (and anynomously) - and still others have taken it further.

Somewhere along that journey you find an answer, albeit usually couched with a plethora of additional questions. You may find that electronic interaction serves its need. You may find that physical or mental interaction in a non-judgemental setting does it. Again, different strokes for different folks.

As for the "Fear of Fantasy," think back to your earlier, "dating" days. Remember the pit in your stomach as you were about to go out with the Quarterback for the first time? High expectations as you had just landed the most sought after stud in high school/college. Then remember how he turned out to be a real jerk? It happens. Then remember how you "settled" for the nerdy guy from Chem class - sort of as a last resort to the party? And how you found that the two of you had a great deal in common? It also happens.

Fear is a real emotion - especially when coupled with potentially turning your inner-most desires out into the open. But as the saying goes, "No Pain, No Gain." Over the years, I have been reticent to share my "fantasies" with my partner - mainly for fear of what the repercussions might be. When I found myself in a situation where I felt comfortable sharing/exploring - I was truly amazed. None of these encounters turned into a "connection," at least not in the traditional sense. They have, however, become connections with like minded people who think as I do, desire the same type of interaction - both mental and physical, and we enjoy each others company. And yes - it creates a scenario where one CAN "Meet these men in my home and act out my every desire." Believe me, it really does happen.

I found your comments regarding how you came to the board to be quite interesting. Your initial purpose quickly gave way to voyerism. Now you are beginning to post - and perhaps uncover some of those latent thoughts. It might also be possible that, by reading the posts/exploits of this community, that you have begun to form the question "Am I missing something?" Can I really do that? Have that done? Get the enjoyment, satisfaction or release that I've always thought I should - but never could quite "get there?"

Yes - Fear is a strong emotion. But Fantasy is a stronger one. Whether or not you follow through is immaterial at this point. Perhaps you will, perhaps you won't. But the reality is that you are beginning to explore a new realm - one that comes rife with drama, excitement, and yes, that possible "connection," however you choose to define it, or what result you wish from it.

Good Luck in your journey. You appear to have a good head on your shoulders - and I have this feeling you will use it appropriately.

B2 out

saywhatoo 49F

5/24/2006 4:32 pm

Is your degree is psychology, or are you just a connoisseur?

rm_b2dnar 62M

5/25/2006 7:15 am

G'Day, Say.

Valid query - actually my background is in engineering. Yep - normally the anal-retentive kind of people (no offense intended to the engineers within our midst)- but I've learned over the years how to apply the "logical problem approach" to many of life's challenges.

Almost any hurdle we meet can be reduced to a "story problem" and solved with a logical, mathematical approach.

Define the problem.
Establish the given
Research the potential options
Select the most appropriate option
Apply the equation
And your problem is solved.


Yeah, well, it looks good on paper. And that's the approach I often took in my younger days. What I learned - after having been held back a number grades in the "school of hard knocks," is that I was overlooking the most important variable of all - emotion.

It's also the most difficult parameter to define - it follows no logic whatsoever. And it's the variable that can have the most dramatic effect over the outcome of any situation.

Why do we do the things we do? Why do we do things that we know we “shouldn’t” do? Who established the fact that we “shouldn’t do those kinds of things?” Where’s the logic in that?

Let’s apply this line of reasoning to this site.

Participants in this site are here for a variety of reasons.

Those who are single and looking for a mate, soul-mate, or whatever ‒ would be viewed from a “logical” perspective of taking advantage of a technological resource to solve their “problem.” It’s somewhat akin to now being able to preview a plethora of houses via the ’net, instead of having to traipse all over town looking at properties. Here they can view, evaluate, interact with and perhaps meet with a person ‒ loaded with a fair amount of empirical data. And the world looks upon that kindly.

But what about those that aren’t looking for a long-term relationship? What about those who are married? Our current social climate tends to look with disdain upon either sex who makes contact with another solely for the purpose of sexual satisfaction. And it certainly casts a downward view to a person seeking sex outside of marriage. Given a perfect world ‒ and society ‒ these issues wouldn’t even see the light of day.

However ‒ one must be reminded that none of this follows a logical trail. People are not always what ‒ or whom ‒ they seem to be. Long-term relationships rarely meet the needs of both partners ‒ causing one or both to “settle.” Then the variable of emotion creeps in.
The questions begin to present themselves. And, unfortunately, there is no logical, engineering approach that can solve these situations.

Once I realized ‒ and accepted ‒ the fact that interpersonal relationships do not follow the engineering approach, surprisingly, it all became a great deal more clear. I learned how to listen ‒ and not immediately run for the equations. More importantly, I learned how to listen to what was “not being said.” Generally, we will communicate what lies within our comfort zone. It’s what lies outside those boundaries where we have a problem. Reference the inability of couples to opening talk about sex. Reference society’s inability to do the same.

Prior to the advent of electronic ‒ potentially anonymous ‒ communication, there were very few forums available to discuss those “out of bounds” topics. Sure, one could confide in a close friend ‒ but even then, we ran the risk of tainting their view of us - perhaps being labeled with a number of less than kind names. Now that a forum exists ‒ and there are many, diverse ones out there ‒ the ability exists to explore those otherwise “taboo” subjects.

But is still boils down to “Why am I doing this?” Dig a little deeper and you’ll find a more important query: “What’s missing in my life that drives me to do this?” From my perspective, that’s what drives it all. Once our basic needs in life are met ‒ food, shelter, etc. ‒ it’s human nature to seek out more. And the most difficult needs to define normally revert to relationships (for those seeking it) and sex (for those seeking that).

I sense that you have found yourself intrigued with this site and its potential benefits. You have, in fact, stated a thought or two that have begun to roll around in your mind. I dare say that 6 months to a year ago, you probably wouldn’t have even considered it (I could be sadly mistaken on this point ‒ no “arm-chair psychology intended). Perhaps, given your initial reason for entering this site, you would have been on the “other side of the fence.” But now, after having taken the opportunity to participate ‒ you’ve allowed yourself to consider options that before didn’t exist ‒ reference your fantasy comment.

Yes ‒ Fear is there ‒ but is it a fear of the fantasy itself, or is it a fear that a deep seated, long buried desire has finally made it’s way to the surface ‒ and you fear it will never be explored or met? Will you live a long and productive life if you walk away today? Sure you will. But I suspect that even if you do, that quiet, little voice in the back of your mind will continually remind you of “What If?”

Again ‒ Good Luck on your journey ‒ where ever it may take you. Just remember, the saddest words ever spoken on a deathbed are “I wish I would have………..”

Take care.

B2 out

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