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How To Lose
How To Lose
During my poly life, my poly buddy and me got to know a girl together. Her name was Belinda. My buddy name was Ben.
She was not the physically pretty type of gal, but her character more than make up for it. She was small size, with curly hairs and slightly pimplish face. But she commanded the presence of a giant. When she was around, she will always be the one who stands out in a group. Nobody can resist her.
After getting to know her for some times, we clicked quite seamlessly. We went on gatherings and outings. We can talk hours on the phone. We shared secrets and confided in each other the fears and joys of our life. It becomes to such an extent that she seems to be more like a gf to me, as I confided in her more than a gf. But the understanding between us was that we are the best of friends.
She knew about my suicidal thoughts and plan. Whenever I am downcast or depressed, she would say “Hi, you got to have more confidence in yourself. You are stronger than you know. You just need to find that will inside you and you will be fine”. Everytime after speaking to her, I would feel better and lifted myself out of that black hole. You can say that she is a pillar that I drew support from and lean on in life then.
She told me a secret of hers. She got a terminal illness. I think it is brain cancer. She does not know when the illness would just strike and she would just move on. She said that only her very close group of friends (numbering just a few) knew about this secret of hers. She also said that Ben does not know and she do not intend to tell him.
Once, she and Ben, with a group of friends, made a trip oversea and returned just b4 Christmas. On their return, I received a call from Ben at 0100hrs. Ben sounded very distressed. He told me that during the plan trip back, Belinda suddenly became very reserved and cold towards him. He knew not of any actions of his that caused these actions of hers. As Ben was talking, I could hear the emotions in his voice. He was trying very hard not to cry.
At that point in time, I was at a junction. To tell him Belinda’s secret (which was not mine to say in the first place) and comfort him, or to leave him to his own. I made a terrible mistake which I had regretted till now. I told him the secret.
On Christmas Eve, Ben, Belinda and me rent a hotel room to celebrate Christmas together. We had a simple meal at a restaurant and retired to the hotel room. While Ben was in the toilet, I signaled to Belinda to go out, as I like to have a private word with her.
While outside, Belinda was in a joyous mood and asked what it is about. I told her straight what I had done. Instantly, her mood changed. Can tell that she was sad. It broke my heart to see that I am the one who caused this pain in her.
She just said “You betrayed me” and left the hotel. When Ben came out of the toilet, I told him what had just happened and left the hotel too.
I was in a dazed and painful state of mind. I kept asking myself whether I did wrong. To lessen one friend’s pain and hurt another. Was I justified to do so. Was I right to do so. Telling Belinda about what I had done was voluntarily on my part cos Ben would not let on that he knows about the secret. I had specifically warned him about doing so when I disclosed the secret to him.
Know what happened after I left the hotel? I walked back home. I got the cash to take cab back but I felt that I need the time and space. Ever walked 8 straight hours in Dr. Martin boots? I did and the blisters and pain in my joints was tremendous. It was a pain that I welcome cos it lessened the pain in my heart.
I tried calling Belinda. No response. I tried mailing her. No reply. I tried finding her. No luck. One of her close friends even called me up to warn me “Leave her alone, you hurt her enough”. Thus, I gave up.
To date, I do not know whether she is still alive. But this was a friendship that I treasured the most and regret losing the deepest.
This is what I wrote after I reached home.
A Book Called Friendship
A word spoken, a date set
a meeting arranged, a place we met
and so our friendship begins,
made to end in sorrow
A page turned, in our friendship
immortalized in the timeless past
forever it will be so written
A winter begins, for the friendship is past
Tears shed were tears gained
priceless drops none can match
as sands flow through my fingers
do these tears bleed from my heart
Though our friendship concluded a chapter
it is not the end of the Book yet
for our story is never ending
just waiting for the pen to begin anew
penning memories of us
The Book is forever in its making
I knew not how long it will take
nor the seasons I got left
I am just waiting for our winter to pass
When the Sun appears once more
to nurture again our eternal friendship
will another chapter be concluded
and so the story continues
in The Book called Friendship
Still wondering how Belinda is doing in life...
12/19/2005 11:36 am
It was a choice... U just have to live with it..|
No choice is the confirmed choice...
Choices need not be a grsat choice.
What is done is done.. move on with life...