My Pre-Swing Checklists  

saraswathi_2005 40F
162 posts
5/28/2005 2:20 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

My Pre-Swing Checklists

My pre-swing groundwork sounds like a knock-knock joke that goes… how does an OC prepare to swing? First, I drafted an outline of what needs to be done, which reads:
I. Physical preparation
A. Visit Gynecologist
1. physical exam (Defined as being poked and prodded intimately by someone you are not intimate with and being asked impertinent questions by someone not your bestfriend.)
2. STDs (Uhh… doc? If I don’t swallow will I still get it?)
3. birth control (Uhh… doc? Is the “don’t worry, babe… I know exactly when to pull out” method effective?)
B. Exercise (Ever heard of conservation of energy? It states that energy is neither created nor destroyed but merely translated from one form into another. As such, when you invest energy to tone your body… it gets properly translated into that other form of energetic activity.)
1. jog/walk around the academic oval (Hmm… didn’t realize there are soooOH many cute guys trying to jog, too.)
2. resume belly and pole dancing (Maybe I should bring a pole on the date for the front act?)
Oops…! And this is just excerpts from (uh… how many pages were there?) a long-winding list. There are a couple more roman numerals down the line that I wouldn’t strain your eyes with. And when I’ve complied with all the requirements… I finally joined the site!

But as I scanned through the gallery of sexperts (by virtue of self-proclamation), I realized the need for another checklist. This one reads:
I. Terms of Engagement (This portion really required deep thought.)
A. Stick to one-night stands (If I like the guy do I skip nights with him so as not to breach this criterion? Is a cumulative number of random nights spent with the same guy similar to an equal number of nights in succession spent with the same guy… and therefore could not be, in a politically-correct way, categorized as a one-night stand?)
B. No long term or committed relationships (How many consecutive or cumulative nights delineates the boundary between casual sex and an affair?)
II. Criteria in a Partner (Everybody has a measuring stick to define the measure of a man… whether they’re aware of it or not.)
A. Physical
1. Tall ‒ around 5’10” to 6’ (Hmm… I figured the law of proportions applies to men
2. Dark ‒ dark-skinned or those with dark coloring (No profound reason… in a crowd, I just pick out dark guys.)
B. Emotional ‒ EQ > age 30 (Emotional quotient should be equal to or greater than that of a normal human being at age 30… by which age, he has hopefully gone past the assholic stage.)
C. Intellectual ‒ IQ should be enough for him to carry his side of the conversation without the index cards (and could answer profound questions like, “What is the essence of being a swinger?”.
D. Marital Status
1. Never get involved with married men (For classified, personal reasons… and the reason it’s classified --- is classified!)
2. Should be available and unattached (How do I verify this… unless I have him investigated? But isn’t that stalking? And all that trouble for a one-night stand?!?)
And so on… more roman numerals, blah blah. Gosh! I actually ended up having more criteria looking for a swing partner than when I was considering getting married!

I swear I’ve never been as obsessive-compulsive in my entire life as I’ve been since I’ve decided to swing. It seemed like since then, I have nothing better to do when I have spare time than to draft more checklists… checklists occur to me while waiting for clients, caught in traffic, woolgathering in a bar, etc. I even tried to come up with an equation correlating all the pertinent factors but gave up since there are just too many of them. Preparing to swing is a lot more work than work has ever been.

But like all good things… after a while I ran out of checklists. When my short-lived propensity for checklists left, my pragmatism returned. I showed and discussed my checklists with some friends and we laughed about the irony of my trying to put some semblance of forethought to a supposed casual encounter.

So, how does an OC prepare to swing? Well, she doesn’t stop at an inch but goes for the whole foot… passionately and thoroughly.

discreet_gaysha 46M
36 posts
5/30/2005 11:34 am

swing w/ me sistah and il show u hw tis done!

discreet_gaysha 46M
36 posts
6/1/2005 11:29 am

No way girl!!! i mean let's go out to swing together but with other people! I'll show u how tis done sistah!

rm_unlistedone 65M
2718 posts
6/6/2005 12:43 am

This is so way too OC!! I would probably hate being in a business meeting with you heading it up! I would much rather just get to the bottom of the subject instead of taking it apart, piece by piece. But that's okay. This is your style. You will probably do better than most here... and in life. So well prepared. A question. Do you also have a form or a questionaire for the lucky recipient of this one night stand? LOL! (Just reread what I wrote, and it sounds as if I might be mad or sarcastic. Believe me, I'm writing this with a smile on my face, and a sense of humor in my heart.) Have a great day... and may you search and research pay off.

rm_flossingon 64M
5 posts
6/14/2005 1:44 pm

Swinging for dummies? Oh I see you have read the book. If there such a thing. Other wise I just loved your vacation. Warm beaches Sun surf parties. Ohhh call me if u ever know just what to do.

redswallow777 48M
6810 posts
6/14/2005 4:27 pm

I enjoyed your lists...lightened up my day...

rm_ifesrsmack 38M
9 posts
6/18/2005 7:11 am

I'd swing with you but I think I'd fail on the EQ part....

keithcancook 60M
17783 posts
6/22/2005 7:41 am

LOL, great post. You certainly are thorough!

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rm_ifesrsmack 38M
9 posts
6/26/2005 9:14 am

Actually I think I'd fail the dark part too...

discreet_gaysha 46M
36 posts
6/27/2005 1:50 pm

ife, ur not asking the right question!
sara, ur being evasive!

LOL! ;-p

rm_utogkaayow 43M

6/27/2005 11:46 pm

holy cow! heaven help me not to lose my boner by the time i finally finish going through sara's checklist! lol!

urs_all_night321 44M
22 posts
6/29/2005 9:33 am

Sara, i pass everything -- what's the next step? ;-p

nemesis122780 36M
27 posts
6/29/2005 11:47 am

Sara, i'd also fail the age requirement

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