If Dennis Miller Ranted Here....  

rockwriter58 56M
1524 posts
4/21/2005 2:34 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

If Dennis Miller Ranted Here....

Imagine the well-known comedian/talk show host giving one of his ranting monologues with all the smirking, mugging, and satirical eye-movement.

Have you heard about this online service called AdultFriendFinder? Sure you’ve heard about internet dating sites. Well, this is internet dating taken to the next level. If you read the ads for this service, this is practically guaranteed sexual contact via the internet. This is better than internet porn: it’s the real thing.

Well, for men this is something we’ve been waiting our whole lives to see. It sounds like hooking up is as easy as ordering kung pao chicken from your favorite Chinese takeout. Can’t you just see it: “I’ll have the full pussy meal to go please, and a side of huge tits too.” Unbelievable.

So I signed up. I know. I know. I’ve got a wife and kids. But this was just research. (He winks and smirks here.) That’s what all the guys say when they get caught right: I was just researching this problem for personal growth.

I don’t want to get off on a rant, but…. This virtual takeout sex idea isn’t all it's cracked up to be.

(The remaining rant will conclude inside.)

rockwriter58 56M
1389 posts
4/21/2005 2:35 pm

Part II

What they don’t tell you is, the men outnumber the women by more than ten to one. So if you are interested in women, you send out your e-mail wish, and mostly nothing comes back. I have to tell you, I started feeling like a tube sock at a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert. (Smirks again and laughs “hee, hee, hee.”

Well, I felt that way because sometimes I was hearing more from other guys than any of the women on the site. Not that there’s anything wrong with male bonding. Nor gay lifestyles. And sure, I was getting hit on by other guys. But if I wanted that, I would have got a ticket to “La Cage Aux Folles.”

That really wasn’t my idea of quick sex Chinese takeout.

Now my idea of a hot date would be someone like Tina Fey. Have you noticed how many times she’s a guest on my shows ‒ of course I think she’s hot. She’s the perfect combination of brains and sex appeal. There’s a certain perverse honor in having her sitting in my old chair on SNL. I can just imagine her sitting on me, while I’m in that chair. Of course, in my fantasy, we’re facing each other. And she’s moving up and down. Really fast.

Oh, but what I found out, on AdultFriendFinder is you can’t usually talk like that. Nope. No way. No R-rated or X-rated come-ons or rants. Nope. It’s not an audience like HBO on AdultFriendFinder. If you go past PG-13 most of the women are going to be offended. What’s a foul-mouthed comic to do?! Sometimes folks just don’t get the joke. Mine sail over too many heads as it is.

Maybe I’m not having any luck hitting on women in this virtual sex convention because of my looks. You know, I’m told chicks these days don’t get off on guys with beards. (Rubs face with one hand in contemplation.) They like that clean-shaved look. So maybe I should shave. Who knows, I could turn it into a promotional plug for Gillette’s Mach 3 and shave off my beard on live television. Anything to get the girls interested, and make a little money too. I’ve done worse commercials.

Well, it has come to this. Maybe I’m past my prime. A once brilliant social satirist now stooping to Republican attack-dog politics to get a rise out of my audience. No wonder I’m having trouble attracting women. Just look at my career arc… from SNL to HBO to MNF and now to CNBC. Does anybody watch CNBC? Oh… and then finally from CNBC to AdultFriendFinder. Desperation? Or some elaborate intellectualized esoteric joke that only Freud could unravel with the help of Jung. Hell, I don’t know. You decide.

That’s it. That’s all and I am outta here…..!!!

(For those who don’t get the joke, this is a satirical rant, not completely based on personal experience.)

mnfun952 102M

4/21/2005 4:53 pm

WELL DONE - now if we could only get Rolling Stone to pay us for our 'research' - we could deliver a great story...perhaps we need to approach this as a 'fear and loathing' piece - how would the late, great Gonzo approach this site? I can see it now - Fear and Loathing on the Pussy Trail ...

Tala4u2 54M  
2957 posts
4/21/2005 6:35 pm

Great routine, haahaaa no I will not plagarise it mate. One small point never put an explaining note at the end of any writing Especially with comedy coz then the audience don't believe it is 'real' pmsl >>! good rant though.

Tala, Wizard of The Kingdom of BooBoBia, DEITY,

mi_mwpm 51M

4/21/2005 7:51 pm

Funny stuff Rock. I've been there... actually went away for 6 months before coming back and hitting it lucky. As long as J wants to continue to play I don't care if I find anyone else here.

rockwriter58 56M
1389 posts
4/22/2005 2:40 pm

Thanks folks for all the support and compliments.

I do have to say that I knew some folks would take this post a bit too literally. I put it up because some inspiration hit my funny bone. Sure some of the frustrations are mine, but many just reflect general gripes I hear about the site.

I want folks to know that I have started up some conversation with one member here and I think she is great. I hope we end up meeting. This is coming along, but slowly. As I have maintained, patience and persistance is the way to go. So don't read the satire as strictly personal experience, which is why I put in that editing note.

keithcancook 60M
17718 posts
4/22/2005 4:25 pm

I liked it as I have all your other posts. I have read it all and will mark it for more reading on my "watch list".

Great writing and keep giving us more!

Blog On!

rm_cockluv4 31F
1 post
4/23/2005 7:03 am

hi how are u- u made me come really hard at school yesterday in the girls bathroom

mnfun952 102M

4/25/2005 5:37 pm

WTF?? where in the world did that last comment come from? Talk about a non sequitur (and for those who don't know what a non sequitur is - it's Latin for "it does not follow" English (or rather Latin) lessons are over.


rockwriter58 56M
1389 posts
4/26/2005 6:38 am

I was hoping I wouldn't have to explain this, but nothing gets past the sharp eyes here.

Let me apologize in advance for giving a cryptic response too.

First, I'm fairly sure that the "non sequitur" was meant to be posted in the thread under the post "Network Friends Graffiti Board."

My friend and I haven't worked out what, if anything, I intend to write about our experiences. Yet. I do think something will eventually end up here but I don't know what and when. Some folks have accused me of being a tease. So it goes. I've learned you have to wait to write some material at the proper time.

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