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A Survival Guide to Porn
A Survival Guide to Porn
Some would say the greatest invention of our lifetime is the internet, and when you consider how quickly information can now travel throughout the world, it's hard to argue. But do you think the originators knew what they had? Did they know they had invented the most powerful tool for communication since two cups and a string? Every industry has taken a huge advantage of this medium, but none more so than the peddlers of smut. Our internet forefathers must be so proud.
Well, the porn industry has taken a firm hold on the inernet world, making access available for those too timid to seek it in a bookstore or video shop. It's "anonymous," fast, free and there's more out there than you can shake a stick at. In fact, just the other day I saw a porn clip with a woman shaking a stick. Oddly enough, not the strangest thing I've seen. So with so much out there, here is my official guide to surviving porn.
1. PACE YOURSELF - You can burn out quickly if come out sprinting. Start light and simple. Softcore is best. You can work yourself up to the harder stuff later. You start out too hard, then you become a deviant all the sooner. There will be plenty of time for watersports and diaper fetishes in the years to come.
2. SET TIME LIMITS - There are about a billion websites and 90% are porn. The boobies will be there tomorrow. Thirty minutes to an hour is plenty for one night. You don't want relatives to find you slumped over your keyboard, drooling with your hand stuck to your crotch.
3. GET A PORN BUDDY - When you die, this person will wipe your hard drive, or burn it in a fire if necessary, to prevent anyone from finding out how twisted you really were.
4. HALF SECOND RULE - Online porn usually is previewed with thumbnails. If you can't figure out what's going on in that thumbnail in .5 seconds, move on. Chances are it's some act or image so depraved that only a lobotomy or an exorcism can remove the memory from your brain.
5. KNOW WHEN TO QUIT - There is enough "normal" porn out there to keep you occupied for many years, but much like a drug addict, you'll need harder stuff over time to get your fix. It helps to alternate fetishes. BBW's for a while, switch over to interracial, dabble in stories. Inevitably though, you will approach a debauchery line of no return. Try to quit before then. When every category link on your favorite site is purple except for one, and your cursor timidly hovers above it, turn off the computer and join a Bible study. Trust me. You don't wanna cross that line.
That's all I have for now. I will update as I see fit.