Married and Playing  

rm_xeeking_you 69M
14 posts
6/7/2005 5:59 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Married and Playing

Seems that most women who are looking for fun are not married, and don't want to play with married men. I can't say I blame you, really. Nevertheless, it makes sense that there are married women out there who need something they are not getting at home, and that the something in question may include sex, conversation, friendship, just someone intelligent to connect with occasionally, frequently, or something in between.

It would be a very interesting thing to know what kinds of things are absent from the lives of women who need a bit extra. For men, it's a simple thing. Tenderness, a bit of attention, the occasional intimate touch, these are incredibly inspirational to men. I could cuddle all night with a woman who paid minimal attention to me, and listen to anything and everything she had to say. I can solve the problems of the world with just a tiny bit of real connection with a woman who enjoys my company and wants to make my body her property, even if this can only happen on occasion. It takes very little for a woman to truly inspire a man, but it seems that the very things that a man needs are the same things most women are reluctant or unwilling to offer, or they are things that women simply don't understand are needed.

Ladies, if you can tell me what it is that makes for an incomplete life, if you can articulate why you'd be interested in playing with someone not your spouse, I'd love to hear from you. If you can tell me what kinds of things genuinely inspire women to do the things you always wanted to do, I'd love to hear about that, too. Want to go to Europe? Tell me what a man would have to do to make you do what needs to be done, to get there and enjoy yourself.

And ladies, if you are oversexed and underloved, please tell me what kinds of things get you interested, and what kinds of things utterly turn you off.

You see, I'm just really interested in women. I really want to know as much about you as you are willing to tell.

Tigercat221 57F
10 posts
6/7/2005 9:06 pm

Let's see if I can enlighten you a bit. I've been married for 12 years and its hard to maintain excitement,desire and romance. I crave romance. A man who will bring me flowers, share a bottle of wine, lite some candles and dance with me. Someone who cares about me and what I need and want. A man who looks at me with desire in his eyes. I miss the fireworks, the "rip your clothes" off feeling, the long hours of just snuggling in bed. And love letters - or cards or just something to let me know that I matter.
So, that is what I don't get in my marriage and I look for outside. Great sex is always good too - but there needs to be some sort of connection to make it really great.

rm_xeeking_you 69M

6/9/2005 7:34 pm

Dear Tigercat,

Thank you so much for your comments, for reading my post. I loved reading what you wrote. I'm going to write a bit to you, now, and maybe there will be something in this to trigger further conversation.

I wish there were a way to connect with you. I'm not a premium member, so I cannot offer you direct contact information. Nevertheless, what you are looking for in recreational relationships is exactly what I am missing in my marriage, as well. I need to think I am desired. For men, much of our perception of self worth is tied up in sex. What makes it hard is that we are too often in a hurry to make sex the priority, and women are too often not ready when we are. If my wife were to come up to me and fondle my privates, say something sexy to me, lick the side of my face, or do anything more alluring than smile at me and want to hold my hand, I'd not be writing this today. If you and I were connected, I suspect you'd understand all this, and I'd know that every time you touched me you were not necessarily asking for the same in return. You would be wanting me to pay attention to you on the level of your needs, and it would be up to me to find out what that need is at the moment. Are you touching me because you want a hug? Are you touching me because you want me to listen to you? Are you touching me because you had a horny flash and want to be fondled and see where it goes? Are you touching me because you are leaving to go shopping and want me to remember you as the sexy, intelligent, wonderful creature you are?

When the touching is not going on, you'd have me telling you the things about you that really appeal to me. I'd keep examples in mind, new ones each day, to make sure that you understand that my appreciation of you is fresh each day. Maybe you'd bring me my favorite ice cream from the grocery store. I'd just have to tell you how much I appreciate you thinking of me, how perfectly lovely you looked to me when you told me you thought of me and bought something for me, no matter that it is insignificant.

You spoke of the long hours of snuggling in bed. I could do that with a woman who wanted to snuggle. My wife doesn't want to snuggle, she gets impatient, has to be up and moving around. The next thing that happens is I see her playing games at the Yahoo web site, for hours on end. If I interrupt her game, it is a serious matter, since she has put so much effort into winning to this or another level. If she put as much effort into cuddling me as she does playing games on yahoo, I'd not be writing this to you.

Yes, I'd bring you flowers. I'd bring you flowers when I was sure you were not expecting them. I'd really enjoy putting on some soft music and dancing, and I'd love to go pick out a nice wine with you and share it. Or, I'd love to just pick up a bottle and bring it, and we'd see if it was any good. Maybe we'd taste a real loser from time to time, but we'd learn together.

Love letters, cards, romantic e-mails, these are all things I send to my wife, surprising her with flowers from time to time, dancing with her on the spur of the moment, just to make body contact while we interrupt our individual chores.

You see, I don't spend much time watching television, and I haven't the patience for games or puzzles, unless I can share the time with someone and throw conversation into the equation. I'd enjoy playing Monopoly or Clue with you, but I've never learned to play Bridge, and I think it's a bit late to learn. I'm pretty much busy with things all the time, around the house, around the yard, at the office, because I don't get enough cuddle time.

Have you ever been treated to a twenty minute kiss, just kissing, no intimate touching, just hug and kiss? Does the idea appeal to you? Does the idea of going to a movie, then going home and sharing a bit of wine while we talk about the movie appeal to you?

These are things that I miss, dear. Are we on the same page?

Warmest regards to you....

Tigercat221 57F
10 posts
6/16/2005 11:59 pm

Wow - that was so nice! Yes - I would agree we are on the same page! All the little things DO matter - I would love it if my husband kissed me for 20 minutes without going into sex right away or if he gave me flowers for no reason, or came home with a bottle of wine and suggested we have a picnic. There are SO many ways to show one another that we care, but its so easy to lose sight of all that in a marriage and end up looking for it elsewhere. What a shame that marriage has to be so hard...... or is it? Are we the ones that make it hard?

rm_xeeking_you 69M

6/22/2005 8:39 pm

Hi, Tigercat, it's wonderful to see your post here again. I've read all kinds of material on how to keep a marriage alive, and pretty much the whole sum of it can be said in a single sentence: You have to keep on dating each other. Remember when you were first dating and everything seemed fresh? Remember when there was a risk you'd lose the man, or he thought he might lose you, if you slacked off on the attention? Remember when all that mattered was whether you were pleasing the other person? Remember when he responded to you being concerned about just wanting to be pleasing to him? That was what dating was like, plus you wanted always to be doing things you hadn't done before. Maybe you take a long drive and just talk. Maybe you go to a bar and find a quiet corner table and feel each other beneath the tablecloth. Maybe you go to supper and just smile at each other across the table. Maybe you found a secluded place and you did what comes naturally out in nature. You would never do the same things the same way, it was always fresh.

Then, once married for several years, and once you have other obligations and commitments, you find yourself overcommitting to the things that don't matter very much. Your spouse does the same thing, and instead of dating and loving and being original, you end up making love into a sometimes thing.

My wife cannot pull herself away from the thoughts that interrupt her day, except apparently by playing video games. If she'd put as much energy into our relationship as she puts into the video games, I'd be the happiest man alive. If I bring her flowers, I have to interrupt a video game to give them to her. If I tell her I love her, I have to interrupt something that is dividing her attention.

I want to give a woman I am with my undivided attention. I am sufficiently pragmatic as to realize that her undivided attention whenever I want it is unrealistic, but at bedtime, it should be possible to enjoy the energy that is left in our bodies at the end of the day. It should be possible to interrupt our days with cuddles, kisses, fondles, and, yes, sex. I'll bet it's been 20 or 25 years since I had a nooner.

Mind you, I'm not complaining. Truly, I am not. I'd like to find a way to please someone, though, since my wife is not interested in being pleased. Clearly, with work and video games, she has little time for pleasure. I just cannot crack that shell, so I am here on this page, writing to a total stranger and to anyone who is interested, hoping that someone knows how to get through to her.

Meantime, Tigercat, if you and I were able to connect, you could expect flowers from time to time, a bottle of wine occasionally, and lots of smiles and compliments, because you are worth it.

Tigercat221 57F
10 posts
6/27/2005 7:14 am

You are rigght - you need to keep the spark alive. Once its out - its so very hard to get it back. When it does, people tend to look elsewhere for what they are missing. I was faithful to my husband for 12 yrs until he told me he had not been and then proceeded to give me details of his affairs. Not sure if he just felt like confusing or if he wanted to hurt me. And it did hurt. Then, I tried everything I had to get back what we had - I did not want to give up on my marriage and family. But he was so wrapped up in someone else - he paid no attention at all. So, I went elsewhere and here we are - at a crossroads. We look to others for attention, to fulfill our needs, to make us feel wanted.
Have you tried talking - I mean really talking to your wife? Have you sat down across from her and looked her straight in the eye and told her how you feel? Be really honest. Tell her you need her back in your life. Back in your bed. I know some women when they get past a certain age do not feel the need for sex anymore - hormones I suppose - but maybe if she tried, something would awaken in her? How about a nice romantic vacation?
So, are you serously looking to find someone else? I have been down that road before - and be cautious - once you start, you can't go back.

Have a great day!!

rm_xeeking_you 69M

6/27/2005 6:49 pm

Dear, dear Tigercat,

Thank you for your thoughtful words.

I have tried talking to my wife. We have done the romantic vacations. I have brought the flowers and gifts. I have had the hard and the soft conversations. I have done the baby steps and the big steps. I bring flowers, I bring smiles, I bring happiness, and I work hard to provide a good lifestyle. My wife simply refuses to do what she needs to do on her side of things to keep the fires lit.

It has to do with the entire relationship. That's why I look for recreational sex with women who need an uplifting experience. I have been very gratified with the few relationships I've enjoyed, and in particular have been gratified with my partner's responses to me. I have been much more gratified with these relationships than with my marriage.

I will continue to work to find that right relationship that can keep my marriage together by means of discreet meetings, friendship, and great sex for my partner (my greatest desire is to pleasure her to the point she will treasure the experience for the rest of her life).

I have no idea how I can continue to hold my marriage together, but I will keep on trying. Thank you for checking in here from time to time and offering advice and encouragement. You sound like a remarkable lady, and I am very grateful to hear from you.

Warmest regards, sweet lady....

Tigercat221 57F
10 posts
7/2/2005 5:11 pm

You know, I think sometimes our needs are just different from our partners. For a lot of women, after they reach a certain age, they lose the desire for sex. Some have just never needed it that much, while some of us enjoy it for all it has to offer. So, what to do if your needs don't match your partners? Do you stay or leave and try and fine someone who does fulfill you in all areas. Is that possible? I have heard the same type of thing from other men - in your situation. Of course, men can lose it too - the desire for romance and touching and anything sensual. My husband lost that a long time ago - he was never very romantic. I guess you just do a balencing act and try and find what works. And if you can find it outside your relationship, I really don't see the harm - as long as you are discrete and don't try and hurt your wife. There is the risk of falling in love with your lover though...... what would you do if that happened? Just something to think about.

Have a great weekend!

rm_xeeking_you 69M

7/4/2005 7:04 pm

Hi, Tigercat,

I guess some women do lose interest in sex after a certain age. But if that were universally true, I don't know why so many women in their late 40's and in their 50's and 60's are listed in AdultFriendFinder. Clearly, there is something that keeps the interest alive, and certainly each woman must have her own story to tell.

However, for me, sex is like it is for most women, in a very important respect. It is the fulfilment of a loving relationship. It is the culmination of all the wonderful feelings you have for one another. In some cases, sex can be the cement that bonds people together until they discover one another. In other cases, it can be a deciding factor in how two people relate. If sex is difficult between two people, there can be no hope for a long term relationship, nor for a resolution to a failed but formerly good relationship.

In my case, I have no illusions that I ever will be able to please my wife as she deserves to be pleased, because she refuses to allow it. Thus, I seek to find someone with whom I can have traction in the entire communication thing, including sex. How much I'd love to be with a woman who wanted me around and demonstrated this to me physically, I cannot express in adequate terms. I'd be crazy about a woman who treated me like a sex object from time to time.

If I fell in love with a woman who wanted me to please her, and who wanted to please me, I'd absolutely have to divorce and become part of the life of the woman who wanted me. We get only one life, and it is much too precious to spend it without happiness.

Have a great weekend yourself, thoughtful and wonderful lady...

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