The Corporate Fucker  

rm_wacker_babe 31F
9 posts
4/13/2005 3:46 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

The Corporate Fucker

Sitting next to me was what I have come to call a corporate fucker. His well manicured hands clutching an initial-engraved briefcase, a suit and tie, and a relatively new haircut. He clutched the briefcase close to his body, sitting on his lap, as if guarding it from the obviously filthy bus floor. His legs are stiff and pressed together tightly like he’s afraid someone is going to try and take advantage of him, which I don’t particularly blame him for. I don’t even attempt to make polite conversation since he probably has already deemed me one of the crazy art people because one of the pockets on my fur coat is held together by safety pins and my back pack it littered with ink blotches that were put there on purpose. This is no accident folks.

I’m quite content sitting, listening to my iPod and mumbling the words to songs that no one can hear but me. The bus stops, people get on, people get off. There is a pause before the bus takes off again. I look up and see what it is that we are waiting for. We’re waiting for this overly short, white, bald man to get on. He’s got age spots dotting his skin and he’s got the one eye that goes one way and the other goes the other way. The ones where you don’t know what one to look at. He stumbles down the isle towards the back door, which happens to be in front of the corporate fuck and myself. I’m almost giddy with joy since I’m almost certain I’m about to be amused.

So the guy with the weird eyes almost immediately sets up the stage for bloodshed by setting his 20 oz. plastic bottle of Coke on the floor of the bus. If you’ve ever ridden a bus in a large city, you know how the stops and goes are. I use my peripheral vision to see if the corporate fuck notices the potential trauma that may lie ahead. He does. His eyes keep darting down to where the bottle sits at the weird little man’s feet. He’s hoping on hope that there is absolutely no reason for the two of them to come into any contact. He begins to perspire slightly. You know the small part on the side above your face where a pair of glasses would rest? Yeah, right there. Just enough for him to notice as well, because he keeps staring at the front door of the bus, maybe to make sure it was indeed, still there but I think he was planning the quickest escape route if the inevitable happened.

I mistakenly assumed that the weird eyes guy would have a short ride since he chose to stand by the back door instead of grabbing a seat. At one point he stooped down low to apparently stare at my feet. I didn’t really mind that much because he was focusing his attention on the wrong person. He stands up straight and looks outside as if he’s bored with the situation. I almost let out a sigh of disappointment.

All of a sudden the bus lurches forward. I frantically try to get a hold on everything that is almost assuredly about to happen. The Coke bottle that has survived several stops and goes has finally met his match. I see the corporate fuck’s eyes widen in horror as he sees the bottle topple over and begin to race across the floor towards, gasp, his well-shined leather shoes. I see the weird eyed man’s (evidently) good eye peek down and move in the direction that the bottle was rolling. What a nightmare I think to myself. The poor fuck knows what’s coming next.

The Coke bottle crashes into Mr. Corporate’s shoe. I hold my breath at this point as he reaches down to pick it up since the chance that the weird eyes guy’s hand would brush against his shoe was too high. This way his hand would be on one side of the bottle avoiding all contact with the weird eye guy. I’m ashamed to say that I hoped his plan would fail miserably. And it did, much to my enjoyment.

As the corporate guy reaches up, bottle in hand, to give over to the weird eyes guy he starts to bite his lower lip. Concentrating so intensely on the task at hand, in order to ensure his sanity. The weird eyes guy’s hand reaches towards the opposite side of the bottle, yes ladies and gentlemen, the corporate fuck’s side. I draw my breath in even more as I witness the contact between both of their hands. He bites down hard on his lip and I can see him wince. This is unreal. I wish I had a video camera. Gripping the bottle, the weird eye guy seems satisfied with the damage he’s done and decides to get off the bus.

Corporate fuck stares at his infected hand. He stares in horror.
This is quite the predicament.

This has made my day so much more colorful.

It may have been a culmination of all my past bus experiences (have you ever seen a blue eyed black man insisting he was and is the first space cadet?) for me to put so much emphasis on this one. Or maybe it was the breaking point for me, finally realizing the absurdity of the whole picture that was laid out in front of me.

Either way, I was amused.

ExcitedSenses 38M

4/13/2005 4:00 pm

I have to say, you do have attention to detail!

PJWeb 56M
4 posts
4/13/2005 7:05 pm

well told, well written, poor poor meta

nzkiwiphil 34M
1 post
4/13/2005 10:14 pm

An interesing read, bringing back memories of great tube rides..

bohemians3 64M

6/25/2005 2:23 am

You seem to enjoy people watching. Well done piece. Let's get together for some people watching and compare notes.

rm_ksmyaz 54M

7/30/2005 2:38 pm

You should write screenplays- you have a great sense of narrative, with a good sense of visual style & attention to detail! This combination of talents is hard to find! If interested to learn more, please contact me!

LochiPhoenix 36M

8/22/2005 12:49 am

Deep shit...gotta love the milwaukee public transportation system. Too bad i miss out on all the crazy assholes since i drive almost everywhere i go. Instead its the road rage, coffe in one hand, cigarette in the other, while on the hands free cell, adjusting the radio, screaming at the kids in the back seat, all while flipping the bird to the guy you just cut off freaks....but enough about me

Love the story and hope to look forward to more. Once you have a few more i hope to have a link from mine so people more people from the area can enjoy.

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