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Withstanding the Fire
Withstanding the Fire
Life can be a most capricious thing. You think you have it worked out, but it's like a game of Space Invaders. Once you've cleared the level, all that happens is that a harder level begins.
This has happened to me several times now so I should be more accepting of my fate I suppose. Every so often I have an annus horribilis, and I'm just starting to see the light at the end of my current one.
I've had a wife go seriously pear shaped on me. That was a tough one to deal with. Fortunately I have good friends around me who helped me deal with the fallout from this. The battle on this front is not over, but I feel much more secure in myself about it all now. It's time to reach out and remake myself, discover what I truly want and what I can be. I feel like a millstone has been freed from around my neck and the opportunities are now limitless.
My four kids have been handling this whole situation well under the circumstances, although that is of course a relative concept. I think they're doing much better now that they see me back on track and wanting to live life again.
So where does all this leave me? Here of course. It's time to cast myself back into the mix and see what happens. I have a good life in every respect now except that I do not have my physical needs fulfilled.
Truth is, I am a long way from wanting intimacy. I don't want a long term relationship with someone. I don't even want a live-in pussy.
All I really want right now is the ability to go out and play when the opportunity presents itself. No strings. No hassles. Just fun, and lots of it.
Life can be an incredible journey. It's thrown everything it had at me over the last year and I'm still here. Not only that, but I'm still mostly on top of it all. True, I'm on that next level but so far I'm holding my own. I'm not one for rollercoasters and to be fair I've hated this whole sorry saga. The thing is though, looking back on it now as much as possible I can see that a lot of good has come from it. I have been on this earth now for 36 years and only now am I becoming aware of my own inner strength. I have grown and learnt so much in the last 12 months and that is only because of the trials I have undergone.
The crucible of fire is never a pleasant element of our journeys, but they temper us in a way that shows to others. The support I have received through my own ordeals has been incredible. People are telling me every day that I've changed. I'm stronger. More confident. More assertive.
One person even used the term hero.
Am I a hero? It's true that I underwent something that most people rarely contemplate. Having your (now ex-)wife go nuts on you, end up nearly killing you and the family then abandon you to care for them all as well as support the household, work, etc. as well as find time to deal with your own emotional strains was a rough ride to be sure. Still, I didn't get through it for recognition. I did it because I had to. Four little ones were desperately in need of routine. Order. Love. I did it for them as much as myself.
If I am a hero, then there are a lot of us around. It may not seem like it, but there are people out there every day enduring hardships even greater than the one I underwent. I don't want recognition, and neither do they. To all of you out there fighting through tribulation and trials, to all of you who feel the strain of your burdens from the moment you wake up to the instant your eyes fall shut as you enter the blissful oblivion of sleep, I say to you all that you're heroes. Remember that. Cherish it. Know that going on just one more day is always possible, but that takes nothing away from the demonstration of courage that going on that extra day represents.
I simply don't know what future posts from me in this blog will contain. The future isn't written yet. I hope that the posts of the future will contain glowing notes of hope and achievement on all fronts, not just the sexual one. It might however be nothing more than attempts to pick myself up from a chronic depression. I seriously hope it's the former, but time will tell the tale.
Just remember one thing. There is no shame in taking on one more day of your burden. There is no shame in asking a good friend to carry you out to the battlefield to do so, either. Your friends can and will support you in your quest. Only you, however, can wield the sword.
Lift it high.
Regards from a Gentle Voice.