Would you want to know????  

rm_txrose4uNTX 57F
5791 posts
7/19/2005 10:30 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Would you want to know????

Redmustang91's comments in response to my post called TRUST--MAYBE??? states, in part, "If you do not intend to be monogamous do you cause your mate more or less pain by being honest? My guess is most do not want to know."

Do you feel this is true??? If the shoe were on the other foot, would you want to know????? Be honest.

Let me know.....

rm_txrose4uNTX 57F
3289 posts
7/23/2005 8:44 am

WizardTim12 - Me too. You probably see this through my blogs, as well as my talk of my late husband. Through my relationships I have had, I have definately grown more and more dimensional throughout the years -- even though, I have always been a more dimensional type of person!

rm_WizardTim12 50M
44 posts
7/23/2005 4:07 am

Txrose - I agree with you, I think a lot of people have a surface relationship. Some because they don't know to ask any non-surface questions. Some because they are the sort of person who isn't interested in finding that sort of thing out. Some because they've never been in a relationship which looked beneath the surface, so they don't realize what they've been missing, or even that anything is missing. And, as you mentioned, some because they're uncomfortable with part of themselves, and don't want to look at that part. I'm the sort of person who wants to know what is going on, and why something happened, and find it interesting to try to sort out, so it comes naturally to me. But if it was much harder or uncomfortable to do, I suspect I would want to avoid it also. But I think it is something that really, really helps a relationship.
Good point.

rm_txrose4uNTX 57F
3289 posts
7/22/2005 11:04 pm

WizardTim12 - comfortable surface relationship? hmmm... I wonder how many folks truly don't get into a relationship below the surface. I know that I tend to look deep under the surface; and, I am wondering if some of the relationships that have gone array that I have tempted to be involved in are uncomfortable enough with who they really are that they are, too, very uncomfortable in getting involved in a relationship that gets below the surface???? hmmmm... Just an interesting comment.

rm_WizardTim12 50M
44 posts
7/22/2005 12:23 am

I would very much want to know. I left a fairly long rant...err..I mean, post on the previous entry in the blog about this, but I'm definitely in the "want to know" camp. Don't even really understand the other camp.
For me, I think it's because if your partner is at the point where they're considering it, then I'm thinking something is wrong, or we're not as close, and that's even worse than knowing. I've always felt that I could handle whatever the news was, as long as I was told, and there wasn't something behind my back.
To be fair, I feel even more strongly about it since I was cheated on during my first serious relationship. And this long after I had told her that the very worst thing she could do to me was do something behind my back. I felt like I could trust her, because I had told her this, and because her husband had cheated on her during her marriage to him, so I felt like she understood the pain that would cause.
Ironically, I think the rationalizing she did to accept his infidelity enabled her to more easily cheat on me. I think getting through what her husband had done, and dealing with a bad marriage, made her prefer a comfortable fantasy to the uncomfortable truth (ie, for her, ignorance was bliss). So she decided that as long as I didn't know about it, it was OK.
This attitude blows my mind. I STILL don't get it, at all. I understand it hurts when you get bad news, but (to me) it's so much worse when you feel something is wrong, don't know what, and you're living a lie. Now THAT is bad.
I suspect most of the people saying "I don't want to know" are willing to have a "comfortable" surface relationship, and don't want to look below the surface. But that's where you'll get the best results.

Very good question, though.

rm_txrose4uNTX 57F
3289 posts
7/20/2005 6:58 pm

biteme6868 - Agreed. There are more reasons than ever these days to keep all parties informed....so much to do with health issues....

biteme6868 47M
2 posts
7/20/2005 4:22 pm

Of course!
Simply let the other person know! Yes I'd want to know!
When I was younger, and dating, I never hid if it was an exclusive relationship or not! One time, I was leaving on a date, and a guy I liked pulled into my parents drive-way looking at me sadly. As I got into the car, I told him if he'd call and ask me, we could go to dinner, too. The person I was going out with knew we weren't exclusive - and could end it at anytime. He told me he respected and liked my openess and honesty. Though it is much easier on all parties of non-exclusive relationship if they are ALL non sex relationships. But, yes, everyone deserves the truth! Now, in 2005, I can't imagine having to wonder if your partner is taking risk, AND keeping you in the dark.

rm_txrose4uNTX 57F
3289 posts
7/20/2005 8:04 am

mmm_mmm_good54 - Have to agree with you about without trust there is no relationship.

brandnewman2003 - Ignorance can definately be VERY dangerous.

xratedsugar - Just be careful that you don't lose the one you really love in the process... if you truly love him.

alice593 - True. It isn't easy. Part of you wants to feel that there isn't something that you could have done better; but, often, it really isn't you, it is just them feeling very confused. Don't do anything that you would have any regrets over.....

alice593 71M

7/20/2005 2:16 am

Forgot to add something. The affect on me, as it was, is the reason we decided to keep each others' affair a secret from each other. If the person who the other is having an affair with comes to visit, then no talk of it would be allowed. Just regular talking and joking.

alice593 71M

7/20/2005 2:11 am

When my wife told me about her relationship with another man, it hit me like a ton of bricks. How did she tell me? She is always sleeping when I get home, because she has to get up early for work. She works first shift and I work the second shift where I work. She always leaves me notes to read when I get home. That is how I found out. She wrote out everything that was done before, during, and after. I got on the computer and was just shaking. When she woke up to go to the john, that is when we discussed the matter in full. That is when the decision was made that I could do it also. But you think that would have made it easy on me, but it didn't. While I was at work, I couldn't concentrate. I kept wondering if she was in bed with him again. This went on for several days, and it was making me sick. We talked some more, and finally made up my mind, that what is going to happen will happen, no matter what. I just needed some peace of mind about the whole thing. Plus, like I said in an answer in one of the blogs, when I transgender (with the exception of my genitalia), and can't perform; she will need someone to satify her womanly need for sex. That is how I got peace of mind out of it. So it isn't too easy to accept a spouse of any sex to cheat on you.

rm_xratedsugar 34F

7/19/2005 10:43 pm

i dont think i would want to know. as long as all was the same as before, why ruin it? i myself have been monogamous, but recently started to think differently. and i would not want to hurt the one i am with by telling him if i ever did. its a sad, twisted, and confusing world but yet so many wonderful things that can change the way anyone thinks.

mmm_mmm_good54 62F

7/19/2005 6:45 pm

I would definitely want to know so I could move on. Without trust...there is no relationship.

rm_txrose4uNTX 57F
3289 posts
7/19/2005 6:33 pm

lucytart - I am with you. I would rather know myself.... I may not like it any, but I would like to know (and ahead of the time, rather than after the fact).... otherwise, my imagination will indeed run wild!!!

talldarkavg1 - It does seem contradictory terms -- doesn't it????

rm_talldarkavg1 105M
10172 posts
7/19/2005 4:22 pm

If you have no intention of monogamy... DO NOT enter into relationships! Play the field.

[blog talldarkavg1]

rm_lucytart 50F
590 posts
7/19/2005 2:21 pm

The problem is, I fear that I WOULD know. Something might feel wrong, or at the very least, different. And then, my mind would imagine the worst.

I've done that before... he's tired, depressed, and I assume there's another woman, or worse, another man. Why worse? I don't know - maybe because a good friend's wife up and left one day, surprise, when the kids were teenagers, running off with another woman.

If we were to divorce, we'd both lose so much, not just financially, but emotionally - our whole lives, and ...

You can see where my mind would go. So yes, I think I would rather know, then surmise. The truth is invariably less severe than my imagination.

But that's just me.

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