Hey, what do you do when a co-worker ...  

rm_txrose4uNTX 57F
5791 posts
8/10/2005 3:55 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Hey, what do you do when a co-worker ...

likes you much, much, much more than you like him?

I have this coworker that broke up with his girlfriend about a month ago b/c he found her in bed with another woman. Now, he is heavily pursuing me, but I truly have no interest in this man on a personal level.

Is it my fault that I am friendly towards people?

Do I suddenly need to get mean to get the message across to this guy?

I am avoiding talking to our boss about it b/c I am afraid that he will pull the promotion rank away from him - and he is very deserving of that promotion. However, I don't want to get to the point of dreading of going to work b/c he is like a puppy dog in heat.

What would you suggest?????



rm_WizardTim12 50M
44 posts
8/13/2005 3:19 pm

Tricky situation. It's hard, sometimes, to know the exacts words that will "get through" to the next person. Unfortunately, it sounds like he's lonely enough to filter everything you say through the "what's the BEST spin I can put on this" filter.
Basically, my 2 cents worth is that this individual is determined (desperate) enough that he's taking every indirect letdown you give him as "at least she hasn't said no." (Of course, you have said what any reasonable person would take as no, but he doesn't want to hear it, so he isn't hearing it.)
As a result, you're going to have to use a baseball bat, I'm afraid. My (specific) advise is this. Don't use any excuses (ie, "I don't date co-workers"). Use of these allows him to assume you WOULD date him if the excuse weren't present. (Normally, those are nice ways to let someone down, and I'm not criticizing their use, just pointing out it backfires in this situation, but that's because of him, not you).
Be very, very specific, and very, very firm. Point out that you aren't interested in a relationship with him, and that you NEVER will be. Nice, firm, apologetic tone, but very firm. I would point out to him that at a certain point, continuing to ask people out crosses the harassment line, and that he is at that point. Be very precise, and try to counter any responses he has right at the time. If he starts something like "But I just like you so much...etc.", interrupt if need be, and ask "Did you understand what I was saying?". Tell him if any part isn't clear, you'll be glad to clear it up, but that good INTENTIONS on his part don't remove him from responsibility in his actions. (ie, most people in this position try to "justify" their actions by telling you they "have" to try to go out with you, or they can't "help" it, or they don't "mean" any harm, so it MUST be OK. This is BS, and needs to be nipped in the bud).

I'm not trying to put words in your mouth, and each situation is different, but you'd mentioned asking for specific words of advice in a previous comment, so I thought I'd pitch some specifics, and maybe some of it you can adapt to your situation. Good luck, and sorry about the situation.

rm_txrose4uNTX 57F
3289 posts
8/12/2005 7:39 am

djnap40 - I had tried that initially and he has continued to pursue...and even suggests that he would be willing to quit working here in order to openly date me. Auuuuugghghghghghghgghgh!!!!

What does it take to get it through a thick skull???

djnap40 52M
22 posts
8/11/2005 8:49 pm

Simply tell him you make it a policy not to date co-workers. Nothing personal, you just don't mix business with pleasure. It makes life too complicated. Thank you for finding me attractive, I'm flattered.

Good Luck!

rm_txrose4uNTX 57F
3289 posts
8/10/2005 4:26 pm

lustmirror - refreshingly blunt! I like that. I am going to work on my ways of being refreshingly blunt between now and next Monday when he knows that I will be working next (and he is scheduled to work on the same day).

All: I hear y'all! Honesty has always been my best policy as well; however, putting some tact into it and finding the right words can be hard when you know that whatever you say or do you are going to crush this guy. Any specific words of advice???

lovehair00 59M
3 posts
8/10/2005 1:10 pm

Work is work not play time, its where you make your living. If a coworker doesn't adhere to the office policy. Don't play games, it could effect your carreer. Being nice and polite to some one who doesn't understand your body language. Go to your boss, before he decides. To turn the tables because you haven't responsed to him. And he says you have been sexually harassing him.

jackst50 64M
13 posts
8/10/2005 10:07 am

tell him, be honest. Much better than him thinking dif. and then find out from some one else.

rm_Blue2Wonder 60M

8/10/2005 10:06 am

Seems to be a common denominator in a number of the responses.

Honesty and forthright with sensitivity. You can use all sorts of tools; third person, hypothetical, candid conversation. More than anything else, don't delay or it has the potential to become a big problem for both of you.

If you have to figure out if your approach is any good, how would you want to be told if the tables were reversed?

ByteChaser2 53M

8/10/2005 9:32 am

Direct and honest is how I'd handle it best I think. It's tough... No telling how any one man would handle a bruised ego from a co-worker. Not that I'd ever persue anyone I worked with... but if I did and was rejected (politely or otherwise), I doubt I'd be able to carry on like nothing happened.

Rough. Hope it works out for you.

keithcancook 60M
17865 posts
8/10/2005 8:06 am

Beats the hell out of me what you should do. You need some female perspective for this one. However, you should look out for #1 first and foremost, so in that regard I would not let his career get in the way of your own.

rm_blackhat1952 65M
101 posts
8/10/2005 7:33 am

I have to agree with lickLover4u! HE is on the rebound, and wants that somthing back.

Haven't we all been there? Missing that intimate connection right after a break up?

rm_CookieLips2 61M

8/10/2005 7:08 am

TxRose, Honesty is always the best policy! If talking to him doesn't work then try keeping your distance. If nothing works than what choice do you have but to go to the next level? If this guy is bordering on sexual harrassment then you should first tell him that you do not appreciate his advances and also let him know that if they continue you will report him to his superiors. Don't let his well deserved promotion stop you from doing this. If he gets the promotion will he one day be promoting you? You do not want to be in that situation, period!

nightguy1961 55M
4866 posts
8/10/2005 6:45 am

Just be honest and say thanks but no thanks. Hiding won't work.

mmm_mmm_good54 62F

8/10/2005 5:48 am

TxRose....just tell him thanks but no thanks....honesty is always the best policy.

lustmirror 63M
2897 posts
8/10/2005 5:21 am

There is a line in the movie "The Odd Couple", where Walter Matheau explains that instead of rude, as Jack Lemmon has accused, he is "refreshingly blunt".
....this is probably your best approach. State the situation to him in no uncertain terms, that you are not interested in him in this way, that you value the friendship, and profesional courtesy that exists, and that you would miss it, were anything to happen to damage it.
.....no one should dread their destination each day....

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