Cause and Affect  

rm_txrose4uNTX 57F
5791 posts
9/16/2005 2:02 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Cause and Affect

My daughter was talking to me today and mentioned that much of what I or her Daddy did while raising her had much affect on her growing up ‒ both the good and bad decisions.

I felt like saying to her, “Duh, we all make decisions through our lifetime. We hope and pray that we make the best decisions possible under the circumstances”, but I just continued to listen to her while her words sliced through me like a steel knife.

She blames me for the hard times that she had growing up. She blames me for remarrying. (She blames her Dad for remarrying as well.) She blames me for not paying 100% attention to her. She blames me for not always having lots of food at home at all times and occasionally facing having utilities cut off because I wasn’t making enough money. A lot of that is just living a hard life.

She is not really a selfish person, but, if you review her blames, it would seem that she is very selfish.

I love her to death. She is my angel from God; a true Godsend and a miracle; someone that would not have existed if her Daddy had her way while I was pregnant with her. Being a single parent isn’t easy and kids don’t come with instructions for all life circumstances that incur along the road.

In the past, it was the norm of a two-parent family ‒ as it was in my own family ‒ and the mother of the family didn’t provide the income for the family; the father did. Economics changed. The Sixties affected many, as well as the wars that Americans were involved with. Families became more separated due to death and/or divorces. The necessity of two-parent, two-income families arose ‒ and, the necessity of having two-income in the family wasn’t always the result of having two-parents in the family.

I was visiting my banker today and vented to her about my daughter’s accusations that she was putting forth. I commented that I know that someday that the tables will be turned on her and she will find out that making decisions are not necessarily the easiest to make. I have tried to instill this while she is growing up by having her forced into the role of making choices and learning the cause and effect from her own decision making process. She has learned from those, but she is missing the critical link that also explains that the decisions of her parents should not be held to a blaming state of mind. I am wondering when will she drop the blame game, accept that we parents had a lot of difficult decisions to make that truly affected us all ‒ not just her.

She now wants to see a psychologist to work on accepting the past and moving forward with a more positive approach, as well I think that she should because she seems to be blocking the growth aspect in that arena. In the meantime, her accusations still cut through like a knife in spite of everything that I had done throughout raising her to ensure that she had as much as I could afford ‒ even with working 2-3 jobs throughout raising her.

She is 18 now and much more mellower than she has been since she turned 12; however, I am hoping and praying that she will soon also recognize and appreciate the true extent that her parents have gone out on a limb just because of her.

Some day….

In the meantime, I maintain my own sanity in knowing that I am not a bad person, as well as that I do try to make the wisest decisions but the decisions that I do make (albeit they are not the same decisions that everyone else would make if they stood in my shoes) have a logical base and reasoning, that I am not living in the past and have moved forward with my own life, etc. It saddens me to know that she can’t seem to shake loose the past, and I will certainly cherish the day that she will be also be able to let go of the past and move forward with the rest of us


rm_txrose4uNTX 57F
3289 posts
9/19/2005 7:23 am

redmustang91 - Well said!!

TxRose


rm_txrose4uNTX 57F
3289 posts
9/19/2005 7:22 am

CookieLips2 - So true. I sit there and raise my eyebrows up at her when she states stuff like that. Then she says, "What????" I don't say anything and just grin. It gets under her skin, I know it does; however, if only knew I was only thinking to myself, "I can't wait to hear her to do the 180 in a few years." Just wondering if I will still have any hair left by then!!!


redmustang91 57M  
8599 posts
9/19/2005 2:11 am

Sadly a book called Children of Divorce I believe paints a not very bright picture of the results of divorce on the children. For teen girls divorce shakes their trust in relationships and men which has some negative results on many. Kids do not understand they are not the Sun and that all the planets do not revovle around them. Later they realize their role in the universe. I realized fairly early that forgiving my parents for being the very fallible people they were was the best way to get on with my life. I say maturity is when you stop blaming your parents for your life and live it.


rm_CookieLips2 61M

9/18/2005 6:07 am

TxRose, until your Daughter starts having relationships of her own she can not fully understand what a relationship is all about. She will come around when she is finished growing up. Have you not noticed that Kids today are more than willing to blame some one for what ever reason because they refuse to accept the responsibility for their own actions?


rm_txrose4uNTX 57F
3289 posts
9/18/2005 5:32 am

humboldthonni - LOL... roll my eyes, as she does to me???? hmmm...

TxRose


rm_txrose4uNTX 57F
3289 posts
9/17/2005 3:48 pm

DefiniteTrouble - LOL! "The devil's spawn?" I like that. LOL.....

My daughter has already been down the road of living with her Dad b/c she "thought" the grass would be greener there; instead she discovered on her own the other side was truly not with greener pastures. And, she has tried staying with another friend's family as well for a bit. I knew she would eventually would come back -- and, she has a little more wiser.

I am just hoping and praying that the wise lessons of not putting the past in the present, but truly in the past, will give her the eureka or v-8 moment that she needs to truly move forward with her life as I have done.

DT, thank you for sharing that with me. It is always good to know that one isn't alone in dealing with these frustrating issues. I will also include your daughter in my prayers.

TxRose


rm_txrose4uNTX 57F
3289 posts
9/17/2005 3:42 pm

ProtonicMan - EXACTLY! I have tried to enstill in her that life is so much about choices. Sometimes they can be good and some that will be bad; however, sometimes, we just have no clue about the results of the decisions because we have no book to consult upon for the right or wrong answers. For me, blogging does help me to vent and gather some alternative perspectives from other readers - and, I thank everyone reading my blogs to allow me to vent on occasion.

This is a hard lesson for anyone to learn at any age; but, you can't rush the learning on people either. They simply must find out the answer, sometimes, on their own terms and pace.

In the meantime, I sit on the sidelines - coaching her as best I know how, and hoping and praying that the lessons are learned soon enough so that she doesn't waate precious life away worrying about the past and have the ability to really enjoy what lays before her in the future.

TxRose


rm_txrose4uNTX 57F
3289 posts
9/17/2005 3:37 pm

anacortes - I do encourage her to get help from others at times. I know that, no matter how much I tell her my perspective on things, it won't matter to her unless she hears it from someone else.


rm_txrose4uNTX 57F
3289 posts
9/17/2005 3:36 pm

keithcancook - I sooooo hope so. I just have to maintain my composure and patience for another 7 years???? yikes!!!


DefiniteTrouble 50F

9/17/2005 7:25 am

(sigh)

It's refreshing, no matter how painful, to know someone is going through the same thing with their daughter. She's 18 as well, and recently moved out, much to my dismay. It has made us a bit estranged, to say the least. Yes, counseling has helped a great deal. At least there is someone with a bias opinion to help her realize that I'm not to blame for all that has gone on in her life, although her comments often bring on unbearable pain and guilt.

At least I have reached the point now, that when she screams at me..."You're the devil!", I can look her in the eye and quietly say..."and you the devil's spawn...your day will come." And it will. And I will be there to hold her as I always have. (gets tissue)


ProtonicMan 47M

9/16/2005 9:04 pm

TxRose,
I don't know what to tell you. I guess this is one of those questions that a woman doesn't really want a solution for, but just wants to be heard.

I think it will get better in time, and having an objective third party (therapist, counselor, etc.) to talk to about it could help. I have spent my share of time workign with them.

My ex-wife wanted me to "deal with" all the parental issues I have from my childhood. She would bring it up occasionally during marriage counseling. I felt that I had dealt with it, and I now understand that what happened isn't nearly as important as how I CHOOSE to feel about it.

(((hugs)))

TJ


rm_anacortes 74M
2850 posts
9/16/2005 7:24 pm

If she wants to get professional help NOW.. I would respect that and try to help with her issues..

Good luck..

Namaste


keithcancook 60M
17718 posts
9/16/2005 6:57 pm

She's only 18, by the time she is 25 she will come to you and tell you that you were right. I did.


rm_txrose4uNTX 57F
3289 posts
9/16/2005 6:08 pm

Thanks, papyrina. I appreciate the HUGS....

Now, I am off to work (from 9pm tonight until 9a tomorrow)!


papyrina 51F
21133 posts
9/16/2005 3:04 pm

I'm from a divorced family and certainly a mixed up sod from it,but as an Adult i put no blame on my parents,they did there best,but my younger siblings,all 3 of them still blame our parents for there problems ,i've tried explaining to them being the elder sister but they find it easier to blame them than blame there selves,there now 37,30 and 29 but so imature in some ways,your daughter will come around but i think its more an age thing than a therpy thing,hugs hun,be proud of what you did and how you did it alone


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