A Cat  

rm_totally_fake 43M
286 posts
8/30/2006 5:34 pm

Last Read:
10/31/2006 4:33 pm

A Cat

So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you've joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures.

There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence.

What's so great about humans anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple:

THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.

Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations, and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans, and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.

2. How and When to Get Your Humans Attention

Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families, or even sleeping.

Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its
hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice.

Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want:

Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good it assumes the paper is more important than you. It will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys, and small children.

Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's "golden time" is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your humans sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to
vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.

3. Punishing Your Human Being

Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:

* Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.

* Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude.

* Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack.

* After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.

* While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.

4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?

The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disemboweled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly
expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up after they've been presented.

After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following:

Cold-blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes, and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead.

Warm-blooded animals (birds,rodents, your neighbor's Pomeranian) are better still
living. When you see the expression on your humans face, you'll know it's worth it.

5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human?

You are obligated to your human for only one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They're humans, after all. Opposable
thumbs will take you only so far.

Picture is of my owner Emperor Ping! Who has owned me for 15 years.


dasher121 36M

8/30/2006 8:00 pm

thats hilarious! And as a former pet human myself very informative. NOW I understand........damn cats really are clever lol.

TheDude.


Gossip_Anyone 40F

8/30/2006 10:31 pm

thats funny i have a cat named OPPOSABLE bvecause he has an extra digit that looks like a thumb on each hand. I hate em!


kyplowboy22 61M

8/31/2006 5:02 am

As a farm human, I belong to a group of cats here on the place. I am a working human, kept mostly to perform tasks around the farm, like grow corn to attract the rats they like to eat so well and put feed in the automatic cat feeder (often misnamed by humans as a bird feeder}. All in all, I have it pretty good, hope the keep me a long long time.

kpb


economickrisis 54M

8/31/2006 6:18 am

Lmao

My Burmese might have written this . Well done Ping


IAmRubytuesday 55F
3193 posts
8/31/2006 10:37 am

You've DEFINITELY got a cat! x

Q.2 flies in an airing cupboard. Which one's the soldier?
A.The one on the tank.


rm_totally_fake 43M
258 posts
8/31/2006 4:42 pm

    Quoting dasher121:
    thats hilarious! And as a former pet human myself very informative. NOW I understand........damn cats really are clever lol.

    TheDude.
Yes we are thanks for finally noticing

Ping


rm_totally_fake 43M
258 posts
8/31/2006 4:44 pm

    Quoting Gossip_Anyone:
    thats funny i have a cat named OPPOSABLE bvecause he has an extra digit that looks like a thumb on each hand. I hate em!
No humanoid the cat has you my dear

Emperor Ping


rm_totally_fake 43M
258 posts
8/31/2006 4:49 pm

    Quoting kyplowboy22:
    As a farm human, I belong to a group of cats here on the place. I am a working human, kept mostly to perform tasks around the farm, like grow corn to attract the rats they like to eat so well and put feed in the automatic cat feeder (often misnamed by humans as a bird feeder}. All in all, I have it pretty good, hope the keep me a long long time.

    kpb
Ahh a well trained human keep up the good work

Ping


rm_totally_fake 43M
258 posts
8/31/2006 4:50 pm

    Quoting economickrisis:
    Lmao

    My Burmese might have written this . Well done Ping
Thank you kind sir I was just trying to inform some of my kind how to choose a human

Ping


rm_totally_fake 43M
258 posts
8/31/2006 4:51 pm

No I am owned by a cat


100prcntnocnt 49F

9/2/2006 12:20 am

I truly enjoyed this......reminded me of my sister's cat. That cat would only bother with people when she wanted to. Otherwise, it seemed you were actually BEING a bother. lol


catseyes23 61F

9/4/2006 9:20 am

    Quoting dasher121:
    thats hilarious! And as a former pet human myself very informative. NOW I understand........damn cats really are clever lol.

    TheDude.
Aren't they just!
Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.


amoldenough 69F
16436 posts
9/4/2006 12:29 pm

I have been formerly owned by 6 cats. They use you for everything as they are extremely lazy, and we are too afraid of retaliation to not abide by their wishes!

"Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened."


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