Trouble in Paradise  

rm_tennismaiden 59F
2103 posts
5/22/2006 10:19 pm

Last Read:
3/6/2008 7:06 am

Trouble in Paradise


Since putting back my profile and posting some recent entries many of my friends have stopped by to check on me and offer their support. Many thanks go to my dear friends who took the time to reach out and wish me well.

Many are wondering how I could go from exhilarated to the depths of low so quickly and are confused over what happened. Instead of rehashing the accounts for each, I shall try with the utmost respect to clarify.

I met Caesar months ago before the new year. I believe an account of how we met was posted earlier. Meeting him was an unexpected pleasure for so many numerous reasons. There are few professional men in my neck of New Jersey. I adore men in collar shirts with ties and he stood out from them all.

He wasn't anything like I'm used to, a little older then I've had, not so tall, and far more educated than I've encountered. Brilliant really...the man with his eccentricities was nothing short of fabulous. As time went by and we met for dinner many times before becoming intimate I began to study him. As with any new friend there are the typical flags you look for and alert your alarm to run if the suitor displayed any irregularities.

I knew Caesar wasn't perfect yet I adored him throughly, his charm and eyes when they lit up all but captured my heart from the moment we met. I knew this feeling was reciprocated in the many blushes he shot my way and the gentle demeanor he displayed for only my affections. For a man with his status and profession I felt like a goddess that he had interest in me. I was on top of the world each and every time the cell rang and his name came up on identification feature.

I can remember getting nervous and excited each time we would meet at the local watering hole and shared cosmos for hours while we touched and kissed in public. What a funny bizarre site, two old goats making out in the booth and neither of us cared who saw us. I knew he was as proud to have me as I him, and the many times he would say "I have the tennismaiden.... what a lucky man am I" I felt exactly that way about him.

This relationship was the first for me to be noncommittal about, with his history I knew what the limitations were and didn't put too much stock in it ever becoming more than just friends with benefits. But along the way something miraculous happened and through the many friends and family that gave advice on how tenderly I could assure this man he began to trust me.

Mind you...it had it's difficulties, there were occasional words and tears. But with those minor flaws there was comfort, and easy simple side by side relinquishment of two grown older partners feeling as if we had known one another our whole lives. AS time passed, we grew closer and more bonded when he confided that there were some upcoming issues that he needed to share. I had known he was torn by this and assured him when the time was right he could spill his guts without me pulling away from him.

Three weeks ago reality hit and due to the dilemma we had to disconnect. It was as if someone ripped off my arm or took my favorite security blanket. I became distraught that he pulled away and yet worried about the outcome. This was twofold and not easy at all. I've tried to remain patient supportive and loving but in the end he needs to go it alone and process without me by his side.

I've never understood why men do this, it so hurts when they do and watching them suffer while we love them is like watching them die each and every day. He was bothered and sad by burdening me with his troubles that only he could resolve alone. I wanted to comfort and the more I did the further he pulled away. This is torture for a woman like me, I'm a consummate fixer and nurse wanting to make it better and soothe the ache but it isn't helping it's making things worse.

At this very point, I wait....as he waits for an answer and resolution. The waiting is like smoking packs of cigarettes, drinking till you puke and walking the halls at night cause you can't sleep. There is anxiety, frustration, grief,sadness, longing, aching that never subsides and your helpless sucked in quicksand and unable to climb out from the muck.

I have moments when I miss him so desperately I could vomit, when my body shudders knowing he hurts and I've got no magic spell to cast in order to make it go away. I must disconnect for both our sakes, it's the only solution and while our relationship was not perfect it was something building into a fine masterpiece. There were pieces of it so good and lovely I can't imagine myself without him.

But here I am...alone and unable to bare the pain of grief.The bizarre fact is he loathes when I become weepy and sad, "it doesn't become me" he says. My only choice is to be strong, invincible and courageous on his behalf. But inside I die a thousand deaths.

I'm not sure where or what will happen next, I sit and wait, keeping busy focused and doing what needs to be done. But folks...it ain't easy and the only thing now to do is pray, think wonderful thoughts, anything that will send powerful strong courageous wills of positive power his way.

I will always care for him deeply and never want harm to touch his soul. In just a little bit of time he became an integral part of me and I'm hoping that one day maybe he will again.

Faith, hope and love to you Caesar....

With all that I am....Tennismaiden {=}



Nightguy_1961 55M
4866 posts
5/22/2006 10:39 pm

We are a stubborn gender, aren't we TM?

We are willing to help anyone out, listen to them, have a shoulder for someone to cry on, fix what's broken....

But men are taught to bury their own feelings, to go off by themselves....never let anyone see you bleed, so to speak...

It isn't pretty, it isn't fair....but it's the truth....

NG61....fading back into the shadows...


rm_tennismaiden replies on 5/24/2006 4:38 am:
NG - It's not as though I don't know this about men, (the cave thing) hey I read Mars vs. Venus and understand this. We women keep hoping our presence can make the difference and you guys will learn how to process without shutting us out.....ain't gonna happen!

Thank you for constantly checking on me and offering not only the many roses but your heartfelt words of wisdom.

rm_Keystone3812 65M
583 posts
5/23/2006 2:28 am

It hurts SOOOO much when you reach out to touch someone you love, and they pull away. I've been there, and I'll be thinking of you, Sweet TM. Keep your head up.


rm_tennismaiden replies on 5/24/2006 4:40 am:
Thank you Key....I'm sure every unfortunate soul has experienced this with someone they love.....it's darn frustrating and makes us feel helpless. Argh!

HeardLankaMalls 55M
2925 posts
5/23/2006 4:12 am

As you said TM, your security blanket has been pulled from you, and when that happens, it makes you feel naked and alone in the crowds of life. Even though he may not want to see your emotions, it is a cathartic reaction and it never hurts to cry and mourn for something missing in your own way and manner. It gets that 'hurt' period into perspective, and then you can continue on in your own way. Just keep that little bit of hope in your heart, and see where life and fate takes you and he.

Hugs and best wishes, C


rm_tennismaiden replies on 5/24/2006 4:44 am:
I've been crying off and on for days, some are better than others and usually depends on how much sleep I've had the night before. My menopause isn't helping either, my hormones if you look at them the wrong way go haywire. What impeccable timing huh? You'd think I'd learn by now and just stay single.

Thank you for your hugs and wishes!

rm_mtnravyn 60M
890 posts
5/23/2006 5:26 am

Tm One of my favorite writers is Barry Lopez. When it comes to our culture and the differences between mena nd women, I believe this applies:
"If there is a stage at which an individual life becomes truly adult, it must be when one grasps the irony in its unfolding and accepts responsibility for a life lived in the midst of such paradox. One must live in the middle of contradiction, because if all contradiction were eliminated at once life would collapse. There are simply no answers to some of the great pressing questions. You continue to live them out, making your life a worthy expression of leaning into the light."

Am I implying that no matter how our outer world may look adult, men tend to always be a little immature -yes. But we are getting allittle better. Maybe in the next two hundred years more progress will be made . Little comfort but know that there are a lot that hold you in thier thoughts as you walk this path.


rm_tennismaiden replies on 5/24/2006 4:47 am:
This was such a tender comment and message, eloquently written and gently received. I know this to be true, by why do I need to be hit over the head before I realize I must back away? You would think I'd recognize this before it occurs and do the right thing....vanish!

Hard lessons to be learned.....

juris1993 56M

5/23/2006 6:39 am

I am happy you found what you needed and pray he returnsd to all your glory.


rm_tennismaiden replies on 5/24/2006 4:50 am:
NOt sure if I found the exact thing I needed, every opportunity comes with compromise, I know there is not such a thing as perfection, but I embrace the gift regardless.

Hope you too find that which you seek someday....

rm_Keystone3812 65M
583 posts
5/23/2006 8:58 am

You know I'm a faithful reader of your entrys......... You seem to be on a real roller coaster right now. I wish there was something I could do to smoothe out the highs and lows.


rm_tennismaiden replies on 5/24/2006 4:55 am:
I should just get season passes to my favorite theme park and take THAT ride instead of the emotional one I get. But it's my choosing, not that I invite the ride....I know it's potential and buy the ticket anyway.

Someday perhaps I'll learn.....

QueenCaribbean 39F
12 posts
5/23/2006 6:38 pm

Hello Miss Tennismaiden...I am new to your blog. From what I read you have a good head on your shoulders. We women see a man that we want...and we try to make him ours because he "Seems" to be what we want instead of finding a man that gives us what we "Need". I do hope that you and your "Caesar" work things out. If you don't please think about the quoate below.

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with".


rm_tennismaiden replies on 5/24/2006 4:58 am:
Very profound and sound advice! Nothing is "ours" to begin with...we borrow each and every experience and the sweet lessons they give us.

Thank you for stopping by and saying hello! It's always nice to welcome in someone new to our thoughts.

TheRealThing655 48F
9558 posts
5/23/2006 10:06 pm

TM- I do not know what Caesar's troubles are, and I respect the reasons you have for not discussing them. It is SO difficult, to feel this connection and all you have shared, and then, as you say, "trouble in paradise". Why? I've often asked myself the same question. I met a wonderful man last summer, it was all great, and then "poof" it was over. I was just dumbfounded. It made me question my judgement in men, because I believe I am a good judge of character.
I do wish for your happiness however it comes- I think you are a wonderful woman.


rm_tennismaiden replies on 5/24/2006 5:11 am:
Thank you Realthing...my sincerest wishes and genuine joy sent your way too! We continue the struggle to comprehend our paths, not sure why these roads must be so painful with intermittent periods of happiness?

But what I do know...is I'll never give up! Loving is the most sincerest form of flattery and I'll continue to offer this time and time again till I find just the individual to accept it tenderly and graciously!

libgemOH 56M/52F

5/24/2006 4:19 am

Sweetie, I too do not understand a man's reasons for doing this and it is the most painful part of a relationship with a man by far! I understand and empathize with what you are going through right now. The only word of advice I can give is the hardest thing to do and the only thing I know. Let go.... -B


rm_tennismaiden replies on 5/24/2006 5:17 am:
Wow...we always seem to be in sync B...your thoughts and wisdom not to mention I was commenting on your post as you were on mine at precisely the same time!

I know this concept to be true..."letting go" but I cannot recognize this soon enough to thwart my stupidity and retain some intelligence. It's usually too late before I realize I must take this action. And by then I've stumbled all over myself I'm a clumsy fool!

Boy I HATE that! Feeling anything less then the confident and graceful woman I am! Thank you for being a voice of reason...it's a rare and beautiful gift you give! {=}

HeardLankaMalls 55M
2925 posts
5/24/2006 7:55 am

Nothing to "learn" about staying single hun
You are going through a trying time, and I'm sure it's totally emotionally draining. But you are too special of a person inside, and totally beautiful on the onside, to think that the 'right' person for you won't come along. Keep the faith, and get through these times.

Warmest hugs, and kisses....C


SpaceRangerNJ 55M
4687 posts
6/2/2006 1:46 pm

When last I checked in, he was just starting to pull away. So sorry to hear you have been left on the side.
I know that feeling of wanting to fix things. Especially for someone you care about. Especially if you have experiences which can be beneficial. As much as we all would like to learn from others and from history some lessons must be learned by ourselves to be truly internalized. The caring ones are forced to stand by and watch. He knows you are there and that must give him confidence to face what he must.
Best of luck.
Biggest hug.
SR


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