Seeing lights or being seen in the light?  

rm_tennismaiden 59F
2103 posts
7/18/2006 7:55 pm

Last Read:
3/6/2008 7:37 am

Seeing lights or being seen in the light?

My title for this post originated from Silly's comment on the last post. "Finding the light" or the metaphor for being graced with wisdom from "seeing the light" a popular cliche when we think we've stumbled upon something profound and full of meaning."Stepping into the light" as only this tennismaiden struggles to do.

I took my usual swim today as I cannot sit idle waiting for anything, not even being thrust into my cave of darkness and solitude. Afterward I changed my swimsuit into a more attractive version worthy of beach bathing and making an entrance when my toes hit the sand. I put my chair down, got settled, had a bite to eat as I was famished from exercise and began reading my book.

You know the book I refer to I think "Women who Run with the Wolves" as I mentioned in another post. The chapter being scanned now is "When the heart is a lonely hunter". Yeah, right up my alley! Ok lets see what epiphany can worm it's way into my psyche today considering the mood I'm in!

While I'm reading the sun shines and casts a glow upon my skin, I glance up to take in the view and it's dotted with families scattered about. Not many people on the beach this time of day as I got there at 3:30 PM. I'm looking...and there are little flashes of thoughts being sparked.

Wow, two years ago I sat with such loneliness as I looked at the many in-tact families surrounding me here. They all laughing, playing games, conversing and doing the vacation thing. I felt I was magnified and stuck out like a big purple blueberry, alone, coupleless, childless. Doomed to be singled out in this magical place of summer and dreams.

Today was different, VASTLY different. I was feeling strong, invincable and so relishing my singledom and solitude. As I sat with legs stretched from here to eternity the warm sand baking the undersides of my calfs, I became transfixed on the words and lesson my book was preaching to me. My eyes furiously drinking in every verb, noun, adjective, thought and wisdom.

Within a few minutes as the message began to take hold of me so did the tears. Sobs began to pour down my warm cheeks landing on my chest. I glanced up to make certian my eyes were covered by my sunglasses and my hat was positioned so my face wouldn't be seen by the few others still lingering on the beach. I was not alone in that chair, I had the years and collections of myths and folklore from Estes wrapped around me for comfort guiding me to the light.

Some say that before you die your life flashes in slow motion before your eyes as you recount the joy and sorrows, the regrets or the perfect choices made during your physical inhabitance. At that second my lovers susinctly lined up one by one as I recalled the different nuances each had taught me. But one common thread remained except for a select few. They could not love me as I required being loved, I am wild by nature with duality and teeter within the balance of life/death/life cycles.

Each time I love and give of myself, I live, and during that span, I die, the love dies only to be reborn through time. If one cannot ride out these cycles and embrace the skeletons and un-beauty we all hold one will never arrive at the other side of profound loving. Too many egos interfere, too many fears, what if's and excuses to do the work required in truly loving others.

The author describes this best "It takes a heart that is willing to die, be born and die and be born again and again"

I've done this, I am this woman who sacrifices her lives like Morris the cat, over and over repeating itself until the day comes that one man or many men will come to realize this about me. That I willingly and purposely give all that I have each and every time holding deaths near my heart for the one chance that perhaps I shall love so vigorously with one spirit that treasures my wild nature.

"To love pleasure takes little. To love truly takes a hero who can manage his/her own fear" as quoted by Estes in that chapter.

Am I a hero of sorts? I guess you could consider me that, I always thought of myself as a looser but now I know differently I'm not lost, the many men are that let me slip out of their grasps. They lost a woman who knows the wilds of her heart and how she gives it selflessly to the many who have entered there. It is in the process of being reborn, watch it beat and pump the blood of tenacity. For nothing will stop me from doing the work I've been destined to do.

And....I'm only a third of the way through this book, imagine what other treasures I shall find along the way.....

This post is dedicated to Angus for it is he who prodded and poked me to see this light! Much love and gratitude....TM

rm_mtnravyn 60M
890 posts
7/18/2006 8:12 pm

I believe in cycles of life and the process of stepping from wheel to wheel a we face new challenges. I donot understand it always but do believe in it. It is a mystery. de Lint said "It is part of a deeper mystery, the kind that catwalks over the marrow of our spines, the kind that wakes awe deep in our chests and makes our ribs reverberate with their sacred tones. The kind that we may experience, but only briefly at any given time. The kind that is not shared precipitously because of its intensity and mystery. Often there is no conscious understanding, only the certainty that the path for our soul connection lies along the path to the understanding of that mystery. There is a magnetism to that seeking which, for some, cannot be ignored, only taken in small doses. This begins to touch on some of those answers I have not been able to verbalize but there is more I want to know." I also believe each love adds to our capacity to give and receive love. It is the narrowing of that capacity that pain emerges.

rm_tennismaiden replies on 7/20/2006 4:51 pm:
"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts". Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)

And so it is my dear mtnravn this tennismaiden will always have her doubts that lead the continuous questions un-answered. Thank you for your eloquence, ever full and heavy of wisdom!

_Safira 53F
11260 posts
7/18/2006 9:32 pm

Growth is GOOOOD ... Sometimes it's a bitch, and so are we. (See? No balls. ) Love you, Sunshine!

*Here comes the sun ... Do-do-do-do ... Here comes the sun ... Do-do-do-do ... It's all right ...*

This is my blog - Comes With Warning Labels. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

RECOMMENDED READING: A F F ... The Only Site For Me?

rm_tennismaiden replies on 7/20/2006 4:52 pm:
Am I giving you a sunburn yet? I'd like to shine right on your pearly white sweet bum! LOL! It's a cute one!

MarcoPolo197676 39M
541 posts
7/18/2006 10:36 pm

In my life I accept the idea of impermanence, that in the unity all things nothing is constant, so it is indeed up to us to shape our own reality. To fully experience life we must fully engage ourselves in that life. Rise up above the masses who are afraid to act, live life completely, fully. Heroic courage is not blind, it is intelligent and strong.
Be bent, and you will remain straight
Be vacant, and you will remain full
Be worn, and you will remain new

rm_tennismaiden replies on 7/20/2006 4:56 pm:
If this is the case (according to your theories) I'm exhausted! Can I turn my mind off now?

MP, all your comments have been deeply appreciated, thank you so much for coming here on occasion it would be my honor to include you here with the many I value and savor for their words of gold!

lacenleather2 105F
159 posts
7/19/2006 5:56 am

Hello tennismaiden,
I can relate to this in so many ways .I have sat in the park lamenting my singularity as those around me held hands, kissed , laughed...and wondered "why not me ".
I have a heart that is wild , and willing to be broken in the quest for "that one love", and have a soul that is quiet and steady.When I love , be it a short stint or a long one , I love hard and deep , and true.Most of those that I have been with , later acknowledge my worth and value , but there is no turning back of time .
I am going to get this book .
Thankyou for the blog.

rm_tennismaiden replies on 7/20/2006 5:03 pm:
My dear woman there are so many kindred female spirits wandering lusting, looking. We hold hands, wipe tears and soothe hearts for those sisters in need.

May your heart be found by something of equal or greater capacity to love you deeply and honor your path. It may be in the shape of a person, or belief or difficult task you have overcome shedding those notions that we are not worth our value. I'm here to tell you, it is within you to find the courage to not need anyone but yourself, when you have embraced this as I am trying, all will be given to you.

Keep asking, keep moving, keep loving.....


HeardLankaMalls 55M
2925 posts
7/19/2006 6:19 am

Sounds like you're starting to see the inner you, and deciding she's pretty good and important

Keep it up...

Hugs, C

rm_tennismaiden replies on 7/20/2006 5:04 pm:
Big bear hug right back!!!!

SpaceRangerNJ 55M
4687 posts
7/19/2006 7:37 am

Ah, what a difference a few hours, a swim, some supporting blog comments and a good book can make.
Yesterday I was feeling quite blah and decided it was time to get back to the gym (torn calf muscle mostly healed, vacation over...).
It always feels good. Really gets things going.
I haven't been reading any good inspirational books lately. Just quantum mechanics (yes, I read it for fun - Geek alert!). The last self help book just didn't click with me.
Glad you are back on track and feeling good about yourself.

rm_tennismaiden replies on 7/20/2006 5:08 pm:
I don't think you need self help books big guy, I've felt you have these things well in hand. It is not you with the pieces missing, it is people around you who have not learned to treasure your (as you would say) "geekiness" it is endearing and lovely. Just as you are!!!!

I know so many men that would love reading quantum mechanics, it stimulates your brain...especially when your nether regions are being deprived. Keeps you outta trouble LOL!

free2chose2 66F

7/19/2006 8:01 am

Life's twists and turns are not meant to "pretzel" us but to be aware of entwining experiences

Don't worry, be Happy

rm_tennismaiden replies on 7/20/2006 5:10 pm:
Just add some salt and lick me...I'm the biggest pretzel this side of Toms river. Oh but we know how I enjoy being eaten....LOL!

rm_Keystone3812 65M
583 posts
7/19/2006 8:40 am

Did you get my replies? Sometimes I wonder, as a "standard", if they even go through.

rm_tennismaiden replies on 7/20/2006 5:11 pm:
Yes darling...a response will be sent soon!

aascrompn 42M
6444 posts
7/19/2006 7:39 pm

I am sooooo very proud of you, you sexy little thing, you! Even in dispare, you find enough strength to read this stuff... I am so very happy for you doing this.

With love,

rm_tennismaiden replies on 7/20/2006 5:16 pm:
Your support means so much, keep sending the love and I'll put a stamp and send it right back!

wickedeasy 66F  
25406 posts
7/20/2006 1:27 pm

hugs lacen -

i bought the book and my son is going away for 2 days for the first time in 3 years

smiles - i love this post

You cannot conceive the many without the one.

rm_tennismaiden replies on 7/20/2006 5:19 pm:
Hey Wicked...what do you think...A bloggers book club? We should do this! Lets put out the word and get some other fab ladies invited to join us...then we can meet and discuss topics and theories.

Woo Hoo...what a damn fine idea if I do say so myself!

AstirRelicLatah 64M
1993 posts
7/20/2006 2:53 pm

Life has much yin and yang. Life is is full of living and death at the same time. Growth and discovery never happen in a straight line. We zig, we zag. If we're lucky we jerk ahead a little and learn to appreciate more about ourselves than we did the day before. We are both winners and losers at the same time, part of the yin and yang of life.

This was a great post. Summer is a wonderful time to find books that force us to reflect and grow.

rm_tennismaiden replies on 7/20/2006 5:21 pm:
I put up such a fight when I know I must read and don't. This book and the man who gave it to me was calling my name. Funny how things like that happen. ahhhh but I accept that it does, that's all that matters!

HeardLankaMalls 55M
2925 posts
7/21/2006 6:19 am

"Bear" hug? or "bare" hug

I'm such a devil, aren't I...

_Safira 53F
11260 posts
7/21/2006 1:52 pm

My bum isn't white anymore ... and it's itchin' like a bitch with its recent burn. / Hopefully I'll get some lotion on it tonight by a certain someone. *wicked grin*

Safira {=}

This is my blog - Comes With Warning Labels. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

RECOMMENDED READING: A F F ... The Only Site For Me?

TheRealThing655 48F
9558 posts
7/22/2006 9:08 am

Wow, I need to read that book for sure. I just love everything you say and quote here...I find so many similarities to myself too. That last paragraph you wrote...very powerful. I have always given so much of myself and believed...only to have reality slap me in the face. But like you, I too will be reborn, and persevere....

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